Staredit Network

3/10 Thats rly not that funny


(Man comes home from work)

Man:Honey Im Home
Woman:Im leaving you
Man:Why?
Woman:Because I did some research today and found out your a child molester and I cant be with someone like that
Man:Hey your pretty smart for a 12 year old

7/10 Pretty good. Here's mine:

One day, a man comes home and goes upstairs to find his wife packing a suit case.

He asks "Where are you going?"

She replies "South America."

He says "Why are you going to South America?"

She answers "You don't know how good you have it. Did you can know that I can get paid $400 in South America for what I give you for free?"

Just the thought makes her angry and she storms downstairs. When she feels a little better she goes back upstairs to find her husband packing his suitcase.

"Where the hell are you going?" she asks.

"South America" he says.

"Why!?"

"Since you only do that twice a year, I'm gonna go see how you get by with only $800 a year."

9/10

whats Blue and Fuzzy?






Blue Fuzz

1/10

How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?












She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

1/10

What do you get when you cross and elephant and water

Swimming trunks

1/10 old

Kid 1: Hey look at that sharkway over there
Kid 2: Whats a sharkway?
Kid 1: about 120 pounds

4/10 Not real funny but clever.

Here's one that my math teacher told us (she's a GEEK). Tell me if ANY of you think its remotely funny. Nobody in our class did (personally I think its retarded)so I'm wondering what you guys think:

Guy #1:What's 5Q + 5Q?
Guy #2:10Q.
Guy #1:You're welcome.

6/10

10Q sounds a little like "Thank you" if you say it.

This guy wants to take his wife hunting. He wakes up really early and tries to get his wife up, but she's still too sleepy. He says "Okay, I'll give you 5 minutes." 5 minutes later, he comes back and she's still asleep. He says "5 more minutes..." and leaves the room. When he comes back, she's STILL asleep, so he says "If you don't get up in 10 minutes, then I get to either f*** you in the ass, or you give me a blowjob."

So after 10 minutes, he comes back and she STILL isn't getting up. So he says "That's it, now I get to either bone your butt or your mouth, which will it be?"

So the wife says "Fine, fine, I'll give you a blowjob." She puts her mouth on him and stops and says "What the hell? Your dick tastes like crap!"

The man says "The dog wouldn't wake up either and he wouldn't give me a blowjob."

Lol, 7/10

Guy#1: Man, I got so drunk last night I blew chunks...

Guy#2: Yeah, so, what's the big deal about that?

Guy#1: Chunks is my dog's name!

6/10

this is kinda old

What did MJ buy at A&W? 2 teens for $5 (i dunno if A&W is only in Canada)

another boring one -.-

Male teletubies have sticks pointing out of their heads, while females have circles sticking out.

0/10 WTF!?

How many wives does it take to change a light bulb?






None the female dog can cook in the dark

What happend to the guy that ran into a brick wall an was errected?

He bumped his nose.

2/10 it's old, and I think it's supposed to be a racist comment.


I know mines long, but I think it's pretty funny

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen Guinevere's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio and shooed him away, knowing full well that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King to rid him of his itch.

7/10.. rofl.

Your mom is so fat she tripped over K-Mart, tripped over Walmart and landed on target.

2/10

8/10













Chrono_Gayfer

a man is driving down the highway and gets pulled over by a police officer for speeding, the police officer aproaches the car and asked for the mans liscense he says " I dont have one" the officer then asks for the regristration he then says " I dont have it, i stole the car" the police officer then asks what else hes done the man says "Well I think im drunk, I've got a gun in th glovebox and a couple bodies in the trunk" the cop pulled the man out of the car and handcuffed him after waiting for other police to arrive, when backup arrives the police officer starts talking to other police officers and the original and other police officers start questioning the man, they asked for his liscense he said "In the wallet" which was lying on the ground and when checked was there, the officers then asked for the regristration, the man said "under the driver seat" and the officers looked under the seat and found the regristration, the officers asked what was in the glovebox and he replied "its empty" and when the officers looked nothing was to be found, they then asked what was in the trunk and the man said "nothing" and when the officers checked nothing was to be found so the officers went back to the man and the officer was being yelled at by another cop, when the arguing stopped the cops walked back to the man and the man burst out "yea I bet he said I was speeding too"

don't kill me, I didnt bother to check if this joke was already there

7/10

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

6/10

Vladimir Putin and George W. Bush were talking to each other down at an harbor. Then they spotted a submarine and Putin said: "Our submarines can stay underwater for a month before they must go up to the surface again!"
"That's nothing!" replied Bush. "Our submarines can stay underwater for a year before they must go up!"
Then suddenly a submarine came up from the water and a man came out from it and said: "Hail Hitler, haben sie Diesel?"

Hope you understand it, kinda hard to translate it from Norwegian, especially when I don't remember exactly how it was

Vladmir = russian?

heard it a very long time ago while playing cs

ADDITION:
Why did tigger look in the toilet?

























He was looking for pooh.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A man and a woman were dating. She, being from a rather conservative religious background, had held back the worldly pleasures that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they driving down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore, " she told him. "Look, let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He of course enthusiastically agreed and began speeding up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, the man became very excited and lost control of the car. He sweered off the road, over an embankment, and wrapped the car around a tree. Luckily for her, the girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped inside. She tried mightily to pull him free, but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help, " he said weakly. "I don't have anything to cover myself with, my clothes are all still in the car and I can't reach them! " she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver behind an 18-wheeler. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he naturally pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend! " she sobed, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!

A man was very upset. He was very upset because his dick was 25 inches long and everytime he got a girl in bed and she saw it she would suddenly refuse. "It simply couldn't work!" he always told himself and figured whe would have to get it fixed. So he went to a doctor who told him he could not do anything about but refered him to a witch doctor he knew. So the man went to the witch doctor who told him to go a pond and find a frog. Then, he had to ask the frog to marry him. Everytime the frog said "no," his dick would be 5 inches shorter. So the man went to the pond and found the frog the witch doctor spoke of. He promptly asked "Hey, Would ya marry me?" The frog replied "No." Poof! Sure enough, his dick was only 20 inches. So he asked again. The replied again "Nooooo. Leave me alone!" Poof! 5 inches shorter. He would only have to do it twice more, and then he could enjoy all his women in bed. So he asked a thrid time "Hey would you marry me?" The replied a third time as well "What don't you get about this? No! No! No!

An old woman was thinking of ending here own life. She eventually decided that she would shoot her self in the heart. But, she didn't know where her heart was. So she called up the doctor and told her it was slightly below her left breast. That night, she shot herself in the kneecap.

A man and his wife were having sex one night when their toddler waddled in. When he asked why mommy was bouncing up and down on daddy she had to think quick. "Well," she said "sometimes daddy's stomach get filled up with air and I have to push it out." At this, the toddler replied "Mommy, your wasting your time. The lady next door comes over very day and blows it back up."

A newly wed couple were getting ready, as it was their first time sleeping together. As the husband began taking off his socks, his wife pointed and shrieked. "What happened to your feet?" she asked. "Well," he said "when I was a kid I had Tolio." "Wait, you must mean Polio" she responded. "Nah," he said "it wasTolio." So then he began taking offf is Pants and his wife shrieked again and pointed at his legs. "What happened to your knees?!" "Well, when I was a kid, I had Kneasles" he said again. "Oh, you must mean Measles" she said. "Nah, I sure it was Kneasles" he assured her. Finally, as he took off his underwear she pointed and shreiked again! "Ahh, you also have smallcox?!

There was this one girl who wanted to borrow the car from her dad so she could go out with her friends that night. So she went to her dad and asked if she could borrow the car for the night, and promised she would be home by midnight. So her dad replied " Well I have a new rule for borrowing the car. You first have to give me a blow job." Disgusted she stormed off to her room and sat on her bed in the dark. She thought to herself and began compromising silently. "Well I really need the car tonight, and nobody else would know about it," she said. So she went back to her dad and agreed to the repulsive action. The dad dropped his pants and the girl screamed and pointed " Eww daddy thats disgusting, you have crap all over your dick!" The dad looked down and replied on a defeated tone " Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I let your brother have the car for the night."

There was this one woman in a local restaurant that had started to choke a large piece of meat. As she started to gag on the meat a nearby waitress saw that woman and yelled "That woman is choking! Can anyone help her?" Just then two rednecks stood up and told the waitress they could. One of the rednecks dropped his pants and bent far over. They choking woman began to stare at the rednecks as the other stuck out his tongue and licked the other rednecks ass. The choking woman was so disgusted that she immediately threw-up the meat and all she had eaten at the restaurant. As soon as they saw she was okay the rednecks sat down and resumed their lunch. The grateful woman came over to their table and asked why they had done such a repulsive act in public. They looked up from their meal and responded "You were choking so we had to perform the hind-lick maneuver."

One night a guy and girl are having sex. The guy says to her "Hey, why don't you turn around and bend over so we can try something different tonight?" The girl retorted "No that's sick and perverted!" The guy responds "Perverted?, that's a pretty big word for a five year-old."

A professor at a college in Alabama decided to see how many of his 200 students believed in ghosts. "How many of you believe in ghosts?" inquired the professor. About half the students raised their hands. "How many of you have actually seen a ghost?" 50 students raised their hands. "How many of you have talked to a ghost?" 20 students raised their hands. "How many of you have touched a ghost?" 10 students raised their hands. "And how many of you have had sex with a ghost?" Only one student in the far back raised his hand. The professor asked him to come to the front and asked him "What was it like having sex with a ghost?" The student frowned and looked up saying "Ghost? I thought you said goats!"

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."

In a biology class, the professor was describing how sperm utilizes sugars to make energy. "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" a female student inquired. Then she realized what she said and started to turn bright red in embarassment. "Because there are no tastebuds in the back of the throat" replied the professor.

An apartment complex in the local community had caught on fire. The fire department had evacuated the lower four floors but their ladders could not reach the fifth floor. So a crowd had gathered around the building. Suddenly a woman called out from a smoking window on the fifth floor "Help, my baby!" So the fire department asked around if anyone could help the poor woman and her child. Then a man who was 6 6" came up front and told the fire department that he was a pro football player and had played for six years. So he looked up to the woman and yelled "Just throw down the baby and Ill catch it. " But the woman replied "I cant throw down my baby!" The man responded "In my six years as a football player I have never dropped a pass." So she said Okay and dropped her baby. (The rest of this you have to actually have to act out.) So he moved side to side looking up to the falling baby. He caught the baby and the crowd went wild. Just then he spikes the baby!

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!” Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

One day a woman found a box underneath her bed when she was cleaning up. In the box she found two empty beer bottles and 300 dollars. She didn't know what it was becuase she did not put it there so she consulted her husdand when he came home. He told her he would be honest and that every time he had cheated on her he put an empty beer bottle in the box. She sighed and asked what the 300 dollars were for. He replied "Well, everytime the box got full I took the beer bottles in for a 5 cent deposit!

Steve calls his boss in the morning: Ey, boss i not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I not come work. The boss says: You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that. 2 hours later Carlos calls: Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a nice house.

James Bond gets a new watch from Q and goes to a bar. While he's in there he starts a conversation with a woman and every so often looks at his watch. The woman asked him "Why do you keep looking at your watch? Is your date late or soemthing?" He replied "No. It's just this new wtach I got and it tells me what the people around me are thinking." In awe, she asked what she was thinking right then and he told here that she didn't have any panties on. She retorted "Ha it doesn't work! I know for sure I am wearing panties." Bond looked at his watch agian and fiddled with it and said "Oh, the bloody thing is an hour fast!"

Two hobos were walking when one told the other "Hey, i was looking in this garbage can last week and I found a hundred dollar bill." The othe one replied "Nice, but last week i found a girl in the woods and we had sex for the whole week." The first replied "That is good, but did you get a blow job?" The second said "Nah, I couldn't find her head."

Three men when shipwrecked on an island. When they began to look around they island they came upon some natives who offered them a proposition. If they would go out into the forest and get 10 of their favorite fruits, the natives would rever the marooned men as gods and would live in paradise. So they agreed and went out. The first man came back with 10 apples. So they natives took him and said"Now for the other part. We will shove each one of these up you ass and if you make a single sound we will instantly kill you." So by the first apple he could not stand it and he was killed. Soon afetr the second man came back with grapes, and the natives told him the same. On the last grape his burst into laughter. They asked him why he just threw away his life by laughing. In his final words he said "Becuase I saw my friend coming back with pineapples."

So I was going up to Wal-mart the other day when I saw the Salvation Army guy satnding there ringing his bell. He looked so happy that I went up to him And asked "Why are you so happy to be wasting away your life on a job that doesn't pay?" He replied "Well it's my first day on the job and I'm so happy because actually it does pay." I look ed at him and said "Yeah like five bucks an hour probably." He grinned and said "Five bucks an hour plus tips."

A woman stepped onto an elevator one day planning to sell her perfumes on a higher floor. As she was going up, she had the sudden painful urge to let out a huge fart. Since no one else was on the elevator she decided to let it out. It was competely rancid, to point that her notrils were burning. Then she noticed the elevator was coming to a stop, when it was not her floor. Thinking quickly, she ripped out some of her perfume and sprayed half the bottle into the putrid elevator. As the man walked on his faced curled up in complete disgust. "What the hell is that!?" the man asked. Trying to seem innocent the woman replied "What is what?" The man responded "It smells like someone crap in a pinetree!

One day, a gynecologist, fed up mith malpractice cases against him decided that he needed a career change. So, he decided that he was pretty good with his hands, and should probably get a job that would use such. So, he paged through a phone book and saw the mechanics page, and thought that it would be a great profession to enter. So, he went to a college, and studied very hard the whole class, and took the final exam at the end. When he finally got his grade on the final back, he was astounded at the 150% grade he made on it. He went back to the professor, he asked him how it that was possible. "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but how did I get a 150 on the test?" he asked. "Well, you earned the first 50 points becuase you took apart the engine perfectly" he responded. "You then put the engine back together perfectly, which was worth another 50 points." he said. Then, the professor said " I gave you the last 50 points becuase you did all of this through the muffler

6/10

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on to the computer. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:


P...





E...





N...





I...





S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Awesome.