Report, edit, etc...Posted by Slyence on 2005-09-10 at 17:33:48
Tell me what you think. I wrote it in about 30 minutes.
It was a cold night, not unlike many others that Lauren walked through on her way back from her job at the little coffee shop. But this one...was different. The cold seemed to chill her to the very bone, and she found this quite strange. She zipped up her jacket all they way as she locked up, and started walking the familiar path that led to the parking lot. She noticed something that quickened her step to her car...the streetlights were out. This had never happened before, but Lauren remained calm and convinced herself that the power must have gone out. Lauren was halfway to her car, and could almost see it in the dim moonlight when she started to hear things, not just anything, such as a bird or other animal, or even a car. She heard voices. Glancing at her watch, she noticed it was nearly 11 PM. "Who would be up at this hour? Oh well, they seem to be coming from back at the coffee shop." she thought to herself. As she neared her car, she started to be able to hear what the voices were saying. "What do we have here? A shivering little girl. You shouldn't be out at a time like this, it could be dangerous!" mocked one voice, which sounded particularly eerie. "Don't worry, my dear, I will teach you a lesson about such things." said a voice that seemed to echo in the cold night air. The voices were getting louder, but how could that be? Then she heard footsteps, which escalated into running. Letting out a blood-curdling scream, she started running as fast as she could towards the car, the little point of hope and safety, where she could escape from these haunting spirits. She finally approaches the car, after what seemed to be like hours of running from the voices, taunting her and becoming more beastly and evil every second she heard them speak. They could not be of this world. Jamming the key into the slot and unlocking the door, she opens the door as fast as she possibly can. She slams the door, locks it, and starts to put the key into the ignition when she hears the voices from behind her, inside the car. "I'm afraid we are going to have to kill you, my dear." Another blood-curdling scream tore through the air, for the last time. No one knows what happened to Lauren that night, but she has been searched for, for days on end, with no trace to be found, except for her little car, the doors locked, with the key in the ignition.
It was a cold night, not unlike many others that Lauren walked through on her way back from her job at the little coffee shop. But this one...was different. The cold seemed to chill her to the very bone, and she found this quite strange. She zipped up her jacket all they way as she locked up, and started walking the familiar path that led to the parking lot. She noticed something that quickened her step to her car...the streetlights were out. This had never happened before, but Lauren remained calm and convinced herself that the power must have gone out. Lauren was halfway to her car, and could almost see it in the dim moonlight when she started to hear things, not just anything, such as a bird or other animal, or even a car. She heard voices. Glancing at her watch, she noticed it was nearly 11 PM. "Who would be up at this hour? Oh well, they seem to be coming from back at the coffee shop." she thought to herself. As she neared her car, she started to be able to hear what the voices were saying. "What do we have here? A shivering little girl. You shouldn't be out at a time like this, it could be dangerous!" mocked one voice, which sounded particularly eerie. "Don't worry, my dear, I will teach you a lesson about such things." said a voice that seemed to echo in the cold night air. The voices were getting louder, but how could that be? Then she heard footsteps, which escalated into running. Letting out a blood-curdling scream, she started running as fast as she could towards the car, the little point of hope and safety, where she could escape from these haunting spirits. She finally approaches the car, after what seemed to be like hours of running from the voices, taunting her and becoming more beastly and evil every second she heard them speak. They could not be of this world. Jamming the key into the slot and unlocking the door, she opens the door as fast as she possibly can. She slams the door, locks it, and starts to put the key into the ignition when she hears the voices from behind her, inside the car. "I'm afraid we are going to have to kill you, my dear." Another blood-curdling scream tore through the air, for the last time. No one knows what happened to Lauren that night, but she has been searched for, for days on end, with no trace to be found, except for her little car, the doors locked, with the key in the ignition.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Snipe)r( on 2005-09-10 at 19:20:50
Very good. I like the ending How u say she disapeared but doors still locked and keys in ignition. wasnt that scary tho. but i really like it
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kame on 2005-09-10 at 19:36:59
A few style comments:
First, the first sentence is a run on, or at least is a pretend run on. The comma so early in the sentence infers to the reader that the rest of the sentence is about to end. I think the best way to solve this awkward problem is to add a comma between "others" and "that."
I've never in my life seen a paragraph this long. Perhaps add a break where the second speaker begins, or maybe even one after you set up the setting.
Period should be a comma.
Starting a sentence with "then" is sort of low writing level-ish. The sentence before that is just strange; rarely do I ever see questions asked in prose unless it is in an essay, or is accompanied by "she thought," etc.
You mention Lauren's name once, and then resolve to replace it with "she/her." I'd change a few of those, so that it isn't so repetitive.
Ahk! You changed from past tense to present tense.
Is there a synonym you can use to replace the word "ignition" the first time you use it? Such as 'she went to start her car' or something like that; it will add more effect to the last sentence.
Over all, a very interesting read. You explained and developed Lauren very well, and although you did not explain the second speaker, I think that added to the effect.
First, the first sentence is a run on, or at least is a pretend run on. The comma so early in the sentence infers to the reader that the rest of the sentence is about to end. I think the best way to solve this awkward problem is to add a comma between "others" and "that."
I've never in my life seen a paragraph this long. Perhaps add a break where the second speaker begins, or maybe even one after you set up the setting.
QUOTE
"Don't worry, my dear, I will teach you a lesson about such things." said
Period should be a comma.
QUOTE
Then she heard footsteps, which escalated into running.
Starting a sentence with "then" is sort of low writing level-ish. The sentence before that is just strange; rarely do I ever see questions asked in prose unless it is in an essay, or is accompanied by "she thought," etc.
You mention Lauren's name once, and then resolve to replace it with "she/her." I'd change a few of those, so that it isn't so repetitive.
QUOTE
Letting out a blood-curdling scream, she started running as fast as she could towards the car, the little point of hope and safety, where she could escape from these haunting spirits. She finally approaches the car, after what seemed to be like hours of running from the voices, taunting her and becoming more beastly and evil every second she heard them speak.
Ahk! You changed from past tense to present tense.
Is there a synonym you can use to replace the word "ignition" the first time you use it? Such as 'she went to start her car' or something like that; it will add more effect to the last sentence.
Over all, a very interesting read. You explained and developed Lauren very well, and although you did not explain the second speaker, I think that added to the effect.