Report, edit, etc...Posted by Slyence on 2005-09-11 at 11:39:17
Here is a poem that my brother wrote for some kind of contest... I thought it was pretty good, Tell me if you think it is good.
QUOTE
You have a smile that lights the world,
Shining from within,
Breaking out between the clouds
That form the skin of self.
Lucky we, to live nearby
That unpretentious sun,
To share its fire, to feel its love,
To know its warmth so well.
Just as the sun's sweet liquid joy
Is captured in the wine,
So with us your happiness
Is captured in our lives.
Shining from within,
Breaking out between the clouds
That form the skin of self.
Lucky we, to live nearby
That unpretentious sun,
To share its fire, to feel its love,
To know its warmth so well.
Just as the sun's sweet liquid joy
Is captured in the wine,
So with us your happiness
Is captured in our lives.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Felagund on 2005-09-11 at 12:59:35
I think the second and fourth lines of each stanza (term?) should have a bit of a rhyme to it, like the last one. Not rhyming persay, but the same sounds. (i.e. wine and lives compared to sun and well). Other than that it's not too bad.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by guardien on 2005-09-12 at 15:39:21
That was a great poem, but, my only other comment, is that it didn't seem to have a title. I'f there is one, please name, it, i'f not, strangle your brother till he gives you one! 
(j/k)
(j/k)Report, edit, etc...Posted by Slyence on 2005-09-12 at 20:44:42
There is a title 
It's called... You Have a Smile that Lights the World. Hence the name of the topic.
It's called... You Have a Smile that Lights the World. Hence the name of the topic.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by guardien on 2005-09-12 at 21:07:13
Oh(my coma;dot and slash keys are screwed (and so is my end to one of these "("
Well thats a different story!
Well thats a different story!