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Well guys im writing a book for college and i want to know what you think of the first chapter eh? well here it is


The year is 1196 in Feudal Japan. A contract had been taken out on Shinra Takinashi’s family for not paying their taxes. They were to be assassinated at dawn of the next day under Lord Animaki’s order. Shinra was part of a family of 4, his wife Lana Takinashi, his 2 sons Koytsa, and Makisaya who was 9 years old. Makisaya was a strange child. He loved to sneak around his family’s medium sized shack and scare his brother. Koytsa loved his mother and helped her around the house every day. That Morning Shinra’s Family just woke up from a peaceful sleep and were about to go out to the fields to harvest when they heard a knock on their door. Koytsa opened the door and saw a hooded man with a dark green robe on. The man asked, “May I talk to your father?” Koytsa went to get his father when he heard a scream come from the door. Shinra and Koytsa rushed to the door to see Lana laying on the floor, the hooded man had stabbed her in the neck with his kunai. Koytsa had started to cry but stopped. Shinra had ran to the back of the shack to grab Makisaya not realizing that he had forgotten Koytsa. Koytsa screamed as the man dashed towards him with incredible speed. The man had tried to stab Koytsa, but Koytsa had easily dodged it. The man then took his katana from his belt and lashed out at Koytsa. Koytsa ducked and ran to grab a rusted axe from the back of the shack when the man lashed out again while Koytsa had his back turned. Koytsa dropped to the ground screaming with agonizing pain, his hand had been sliced clean off of his left arm. Shinra gasped with fear as he saw Koytsa on the ground about to be executed by the hooded man. Koytsa had had his head severed from his body. The hooded man snickered and then broke out in a laugh as he saw Shinra stricken with fear. Shinra kicked down the back of the shack and ran outside. The hooded man then took out his kunai once more and threw it so fast at Shinra that it could have pierced even the hardest of stone. Shinra dropped Makisaya on the ground as he gasped started for air. His left lung had been punctured from the kunai. Makisaya let out a whimper and then started to cry. The hooded man mumbled, “This child should make a fine slave to Lord Animaki when he comes of age”. The man picked up Makisaya and kicked Shinra in the skull as to relieve Shinra’s pain. The hooded man then threw done gunpowder and rushed away through the smoke forgetting that his kunai was still buried inside the back of Shinra. Three of Shinra’s old friends had seen the entire assassination while they were hiding behind a bush. They were dumbfounded as they saw the hooded man sprint away. They looked at each other and started to discuss the matter. Shinra still alive in the back of his shack pulled the kunai out of his back. He then started to gasp even more as it became harder to breath. The slaves saw Shinra in the back on the ground gasping for air. His friends ran over to him and tried to lift him. Shinra let out a scream from the pain. One of his friends Onimasa started to ask him why the man had assassinated his entire family except Makisaya. Shinra gasped out again and then said, “I don’t know what happened, he just came to our door and started to-.” Shinra started to gasp out again this time louder than usual. They than picked him up as he let out another scream. The slaves carried Shinra out and as they were walking to the infirmary to see if they could treat Shinra. Shinra started to talk again and gasped,” I know that I’m going to die but I was wondering if you could do me a favor.” One of the slaves replied, “What would that be?” Shinra said with his final breath. “I want you to save my son from that horrible man who took him. Shinra had suddenly dropped to the ground and his eyes rolled back into his head. The slaves started to shake him and realized that it was to late. Shinra had died from a lack of oxygen. The slaves nodded their heads agreeing with Shinra’s final wish. They bowed to show a sign of respect and then carried him off to the Temple Of Fukurokuju to be buried in the temples cemetery. As they arrived at the temple a monk came out and made a gesture with his hand. Then two more monks came out and grabbed Shinra’s lifeless corpse. One monk started talking to the slaves and said, “Not another one, this is the third one today.” The monks then started to carry Shinra’s corpse into the darkness of the temple.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK PLEASE CUZ I DONT WANNA FAIL LITERATURE IN MY COLLEGE CLASS!

For a book that contains chapters this isn't a very long chapter, unless you intend it to have dozens and dozens of really short cahpters. O and uh, someone move this to literature.

Its pretty good, although the imagination level is kind of low. i give it 7/10.

ya i wanted some feedback on it cuz i can edit it still but ive got 4 other chapters which are about 5 times as long as this so. its just the first chapter thats short you could say

I enjoy your details! id give it a 8 out of 10

Thanks LoL.....id say this is a rough draft though

Hmm, could use some more details. Like here,



is not very descriptive. Any try to separate the chapter into different paragraphs. It makes it easier to read and gives you a place to stop and take a break.

IMO It's usually better if you jump into the plot with conversation and explain it in that rather than 'It's xxx year'.

hehe well i can post the second chapta if u want?

If there was more I'd read on. It was pretty good. Add a few more flashy adjectives to make it look like you're really smart and you got yourself a piece of art.

[center]TL:DR.
Huge block of text thrown in my face. Break it up.
So... you have a character die in the first chapter? Huh?
What I did read, I didn't like.[/center]

Here is a better version of the first chapter



The year is 1196 in Feudal Japan. A contract has been taken out on Shinra Takinashi’s family for not paying their taxes. They were to be assassinated at dawn of the next day under Lord Animaki’s order. Shinra was part of a family of 4, his wife Lana Takinashi, his 2 sons Koytsa, and Makisaya who was 9 years old. Makisaya was a strange child. He loved to sneak around his family’s medium sized shack and scare his brother. Their Shack was dainty; it had cracks in the wooden walls that were made from scraps, leeks through the roofs, and small trees that were planted outside a year ago by Lana to liven up the house. Koytsa loved his mother and helped her around the whenever he had the chance.
That Morning Shinra’s Family just woke up from a peaceful sleep and were about to go out to the fields to harvest when they heard a knock on their door. Koytsa opened the door and saw a hooded man with a dark green robe on. The man asked, “May I talk to your father?” Koytsa went to get his father when he heard a scream come from the door. Shinra and Koytsa rushed to the door to see Lana laying on the floor, the hooded man had stabbed her in the neck with his kunai. Koytsa had started to cry but stopped realizing that he may be next.
Shinra ran to the back of the shack to grab Makisaya not realizing that he had forgotten Koytsa. Koytsa screamed as the man dashed towards him with immeasurable speed. The man tried to stab Koytsa, but Koytsa had easily dodged it. The man then took his katana from his belt and lashed out at Koytsa. Koytsa ducked and ran to grab a rusted axe from the back of the shack when the man lashed out again while Koytsa had his back turned. Koytsa dropped to the ground screaming with agonizing pain, his hand had been cleaved clean off of his left arm.
Shinra gasped with fear as he saw Koytsa on the ground about to be executed by the hooded man. Koytsa had had his head severed from his body. The hooded man snickered and then broke out in a laugh as he saw Shinra stricken with fear. Shinra kicked down the back of the shack and ran outside. The hooded man then took out his kunai once more and threw it so fast at Shinra that it could have pierced even the hardest of stone. Shinra dropped Makisaya on the ground as he gasped started for air. His left lung had been punctured from the kunai. Makisaya let out a whimper and then started to cry. The hooded man mumbled, “This child should make a fine slave to Lord Animaki when he comes of age”.
The man picked up Makisaya and kicked Shinra in the skull as to relieve Shinra’s pain. The hooded man then threw done gunpowder and rushed away through the smoke forgetting that his kunai was still buried inside the back of Shinra.
Three of Shinra’s old friends had seen the entire assassination while they were hiding behind a bush. They were dumbfounded as they saw the hooded man sprint away. They looked at each other and started to discuss the matter. Shinra still alive in the back of his shack pulled the kunai out of his back. He then started to gasp even more as it became harder to breath. The friends saw Shinra in the back on the ground; they ran over to him and tried to lift him. Shinra let out a scream of pain as he was seated on the ground. One of his friends Onimasa started to ask him why the man had assassinated his entire family except Makisaya. Shinra gasped out again and then said, “I don’t know what happened, he just came to our door and started to-.” Shinra started to gasp out again this time louder than usual. They then picked him up as he let out another scream.
The slaves carried Shinra out and as they were walking to the infirmary to see if they could treat Shinra. Shinra started to talk again and gasped,” I know that I’m going to die like a garden in winter, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor.” Onimasa replied, “What would that be?” Shinra said with one final breath. “I want you to save my son from that horrible man who took him”. Shinra dropped to the ground as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. The slaves started to shake him and realized that it was to late. Shinra had died from a lack of oxygen.
The slaves nodded their heads agreeing with Shinra’s final wish. They bowed to show a sign of respect and then carried him off to the Temple Of Fukurokuju to be buried in the temples cemetery. As they arrived at the temple a monk came out and made a gesture with his hand. Then two more monks came out and grabbed Shinra’s lifeless corpse. One monk started talking to the slaves and said, “Not another one, this is the third one today.” The monks started to carry Shinra’s corpse into the darkness of the temple.

9 out of 10, GJ!

People who use slaves, dont wait until their slaves grow up, they just enslae them, and make them do their biding

The rape of the English language horrifies me. This gets a two out of ten for taking the time to type it up, but wait... I'm docking a point for making me read it. You are awarded one point of ten! Congratulations.

I think blatant abuse of English in the Literature & Writing (take a moment to make note of the name) Forum deserves a warn.

I don't mean to flame you, but I'm literally in pain. Reading this worsened my headache. I'd stick to making maps if I were you.

Japan has feudalism? I thought only Europe does.

lmao hahahaha.....

For the love fo God (Shiva, Buddha, Void, the-guy-who-always-gets-the-hottest-girs, whatever/whoever you may like to call him) give him a freaking break!

As a foreigner who learned english, I would say... well, to put it simply, it was hell. No language is easy to learn, let alone master (whether it's your primary language or not). So cut him some slack, eh? I'm not saying he's probably a foreigner trying to write a story or anything, I simply wish that you guys could be a little bit more understanding of someone's abilities in a language. I have friends who grew up in america (white, black, asian, all kinds really) who are worse in just about every american subject as me.... though that doesn't degrade them any as friends to me... I'm just trying to say that not everyone has the opportunity of learning english to an "appropriate" level according to their level of education.

(btw, I'm sleepy as hell right now, there might be a few things i may have spelled wrong or have spoken grammatically incorrect, EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME if I mess up somewhere)

Duce, I give you credit for trying to accomplish something that isn't easy for everyone, and having the courage to post it online and ask for opinions.
Though this message may be a bit too late or has no purpose to use, just know to keep up what you're doing. However your writing style is now, there are always ways to polish it if you want (given that you WANT to improve from where you are). Yeah, a few things were kind of just OUT THERE and telling you things, and some terminology weren't exactly the best, but you wrote a story, you brewed the idea within yourself (with or without help from others), it's your work and you deserve credit.
(by the way, 1/10 isn't exactly credit, it's more like "Hey, your story was good except for this that this that this that this that this that this that...."
Why not TELL him what was wrong other than that it made you uncomfortable or increased the intensity of your headaches? Criticize and suggest may be an idea?

And Krazy... he said Feudal Japan, not Feudalism of Japan. Feudal Japan is an era where Samurais and Ninjas existed. While the Samurais fought bravely in battle, the Ninjas were hired by the rich, warlords, shoguns, ect to carry out missions. The missions can vary from carrying a message to assassination to protection. The ninjas usually have very strict codes of identity, often times a team of ninjas never know exactly who each other is. They use codes and markings and many strategies to effectively complete their mission.
They're not the ninjas you see on cartoons where they leap sixty freaking feet in the air and shoot fireball ninja stars through trees and plow grounds, nor are they ninjas that can suddenly beceome invisible or duplicate themselves. Those ideas are of folklore, legend, and myths. Sometimes ignorance gets the best of you, and if you have any idea of ignorance, you shouldn't speak at all. Sometimes I get idiots who ask me if I can fly because I'm asian, ok... you're black, do you rap? You're white, do you... go to McDonalds- a lot? NO! THOSE ARE STUPID QUESTIONS CONCIEVED BY IGNORANCE AND POOR EDUCATION!

Back to the subject.

I'm considering my major to be English... as awkward as everyone around me thinks that is. I used to write stories just like the one you posted, and I still make the same mistakes your story did, but over the years, I've learned so much more and make the mistakes less.

Overall, your rough draft seems fine, other than rechoosing some words and use a less blatant approach towards new information towards the audience. You could do something like reveal it and hint it then BAM, OUT IN THE OPEN.
And I'm not sure how your file is right now, but I sure hope it's got proper punctionation, spacing, and indentation with new paragraphs...

Just for fun, I'm going to grab the beginning of your story and play with it.

The first leaves of autumn began to fall. They scattered about the streets filled with merchants and farmers, children, men and women, and tax collectors.
The Takinashi’s couldn't pay the tax this month. In fact, though they have paid the taxes yen for yen the months and years before, they had to endure days of hunger on and off. But they had to. The pride of the Takinashi’s family depended on it.
Some two generations ago, the Takinashi family was one amongst four families who fought together and brought Japan to its current days, the Feudal Era.
Though they could have very well paid for the taxes this time, they refused to. The family held strong disagreement towards the new shogun. His grandfather was a great man, but the generations from there declined from power hungry to greed in riches.
Thus a band of ninjas were hired.
Their mission was simple, but failure could cause them as well as their families' lives. By the upcoming Lunar Festival, when some new laws favoring the powerful government figures by leeching off the poor, are announced, the young shogun wanted the Takinashis dead.
For the new Shogun to simply kill the family was less than a raise of a finger, but the pressure he would then face from the people could cause him, the new shogun, to be quickly overthrown.
They must die and if anyone were to find out, well, he could very well blame it that they cheated their taxes over the years with their strong position in the government. It was their own stubborness of not wanting to receive government pay that caused them their wicked ways, ultimately paying with their lives. He could then use the most recent account against them.
But it would be best that no one knew, except that they were murdered.

Anyway, that was that, I should REALLY get some sleep... as I have been stalling for 4 hours now... rofl that was fun -_-

Jeez dude, nice opening. Mind if I use it?

not at all Whenver I think of these things, I think of it as a movie or a rolling picture, that way you can kind of see what goes first and get a feel of how the mood of things are. Everyone could be very secretive and alert because they're about to overthrow the new king, for example. And also this way it can help you describe the details because you would start to feel the scenerio. It's what I like to do anyway, whether it helps you or not I don't know, but doesn't hurt to know, right?

Anyway, good luck to you

Edit==

Also, I probably wouldn't use Shinra as a name because it's a very well known name due to the ever so popular game, Final Fantasy VII and its movie, Advent Children. It would be like calling a character Coca Cola. Also Shinra, according to the Kanji (chinese characters) seen in Final Fantasy VII, is a word to describe someone that, if I still remember my kanji well enough, is literally cold blooded and will do whatever without a flinch of an eyelid to achieve his ambition. So a word like that for a good guy probably isn't the best That's like calling a really happy character Bleake (which I have in a story of mine, but he is a child who does not know his past and ole' philip, a black tenant of a run-down apartment in down-town somewhere found him one day and thought he'd bring him home).

Well the story looks good. Average, but good. Maybe spice it up with more detail and such. Maybe some more background should be put into it.

7.5/10

meh