Report, edit, etc...Posted by Chef on 2005-11-21 at 19:38:30
Background: A British man came to live in my house for two days last Thursday. After asking several friends if they had ever lived with a British man, and always hearing "Can't say I have", I decided to document this historic event in a Journal. Everying in this story is true, except for what I'm thinking, which I greatly exaggerate to make the Journal entertaining. Hope you enjoy it.
6:37 PM 17/11/2005
As I had expected, the British man arrived at my house. With nothing but my wits, I charged out of my quiet room. Shortly after, I peered around the courner and saw a man with the handles for two travel bags protruding out of his hands. His head towered a mighty 5'10" above the ground. He was smiling. Deep inside me my gut turned... what was this man hiding? No one could possibly be this happy, he must have had something sinister planned. Silently, I vowed to stop his evil plans, whatever they might be (perhaps holding the world hostage with deadly toxins, or selling my organs for beer money?). A heartbeat later he offered his fearsome hand to be shaken, not wanting to show any weakness (for fear of losing footing) I accepted. It was firm, the kind of hand shake I'd expect from a battle hardened terrorist.... I released, and made my way down the stairs to ground level. Suddenly I saw a familiar face, it was my old acquaintance Mark! My glee quickly faded, however, as I soon realised a horrifying possibility... Mark had been brainwashed by terrorists to help the British man with his satanic plans. I felt my whole world turning upsidown. "Why me!" I cried inside. I soon realised that if I was going to have any chance of stopping them, I would have to stay strong; I would have to be... Gallant. A second later I struck up casual conversation so as not to draw suspicion that I was onto them. Moments later, they, and my parents had left the house. To where, I am unsure. All I can think of now is what terrible things might be a foot, in the mind of my British foe.
8:14 PM 17/11/2005
I can't keep the thoughts of what the British man might be doing to my parents out of my head. Images of violence and blood shed race through my mind, accompanied by the sounds of malicious laughter. I feel helpless.
10:43 PM 18/11/2005
This morning, after getting dressed I made my way downstairs. I saw the British man, drinking coffee my father had given to him, accepting my father's generousity. The nerve of this man, not only was he plotting against me, but he was taking our most precious resource of all: coffee. My hatred for this man was growing. I left off to school, hoping if anything happened, my family could fend for themselves. Through out the day I couldn't keep my mind off of what he had done. That was my coffee damnit! Good wholesome Ed's farking coffee. Knowing he was willing to drink a man's coffee, I knew the evil he was capable of was far greater than first anticipated. I got back from school, to a house occupied only by my brother. Many hours later the British man and my father poped into the house. Continuing to keep my cover, I shouted a quick "hello". The British man mimiced my greeting (perhaps he was a parrot mutated into a man by evil communist scientists!). They didn't stay long, only a minute, before they left again. I havn't seen them since.
9:03 PM 20/11/2005
My father returned, but the British man is gone... My father has many digital pictures of the british man now, including one with his deceptive smile. I believe my father has been brainwashed, and this is a mere phase in the British man's plans... Till we meet again British man, till we meet again.
PS: He's actually a really nice guy, this is a play at stupidity, anecdotal evidence, and general mixing of non-existant stereotypes with existent ones (though horribly outdated).
Cheers,
6:37 PM 17/11/2005
As I had expected, the British man arrived at my house. With nothing but my wits, I charged out of my quiet room. Shortly after, I peered around the courner and saw a man with the handles for two travel bags protruding out of his hands. His head towered a mighty 5'10" above the ground. He was smiling. Deep inside me my gut turned... what was this man hiding? No one could possibly be this happy, he must have had something sinister planned. Silently, I vowed to stop his evil plans, whatever they might be (perhaps holding the world hostage with deadly toxins, or selling my organs for beer money?). A heartbeat later he offered his fearsome hand to be shaken, not wanting to show any weakness (for fear of losing footing) I accepted. It was firm, the kind of hand shake I'd expect from a battle hardened terrorist.... I released, and made my way down the stairs to ground level. Suddenly I saw a familiar face, it was my old acquaintance Mark! My glee quickly faded, however, as I soon realised a horrifying possibility... Mark had been brainwashed by terrorists to help the British man with his satanic plans. I felt my whole world turning upsidown. "Why me!" I cried inside. I soon realised that if I was going to have any chance of stopping them, I would have to stay strong; I would have to be... Gallant. A second later I struck up casual conversation so as not to draw suspicion that I was onto them. Moments later, they, and my parents had left the house. To where, I am unsure. All I can think of now is what terrible things might be a foot, in the mind of my British foe.
8:14 PM 17/11/2005
I can't keep the thoughts of what the British man might be doing to my parents out of my head. Images of violence and blood shed race through my mind, accompanied by the sounds of malicious laughter. I feel helpless.
10:43 PM 18/11/2005
This morning, after getting dressed I made my way downstairs. I saw the British man, drinking coffee my father had given to him, accepting my father's generousity. The nerve of this man, not only was he plotting against me, but he was taking our most precious resource of all: coffee. My hatred for this man was growing. I left off to school, hoping if anything happened, my family could fend for themselves. Through out the day I couldn't keep my mind off of what he had done. That was my coffee damnit! Good wholesome Ed's farking coffee. Knowing he was willing to drink a man's coffee, I knew the evil he was capable of was far greater than first anticipated. I got back from school, to a house occupied only by my brother. Many hours later the British man and my father poped into the house. Continuing to keep my cover, I shouted a quick "hello". The British man mimiced my greeting (perhaps he was a parrot mutated into a man by evil communist scientists!). They didn't stay long, only a minute, before they left again. I havn't seen them since.
9:03 PM 20/11/2005
My father returned, but the British man is gone... My father has many digital pictures of the british man now, including one with his deceptive smile. I believe my father has been brainwashed, and this is a mere phase in the British man's plans... Till we meet again British man, till we meet again.
PS: He's actually a really nice guy, this is a play at stupidity, anecdotal evidence, and general mixing of non-existant stereotypes with existent ones (though horribly outdated).
Cheers,
Report, edit, etc...Posted by notnuclearrabbit on 2005-11-21 at 19:40:55
[center]Almost died laughing, great read.[/center]
Report, edit, etc...Posted by TheOddAngel on 2005-11-21 at 20:05:37
Thanks for the time waster it was well worth it... Great dialog and descriptive words... I could almost imagine you peering around the corner and seeing this man smiling...
9.8/10 : Great Read!!!
9.8/10 : Great Read!!!
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Tdnfthe1 on 2005-11-24 at 11:28:06
QUOTE(nuclearrabbit @ Nov 21 2005, 06:40 PM)
[center]Almost died laughing, great read.[/center]
[right][snapback]361185[/snapback][/right]
[right][snapback]361185[/snapback][/right]
Haha, I didn't quite come near death but it was quite funny. You musta really had a handful of boredom and spare time to do this, if you get the time try a documentation on, "Living in a household with a soldier". Nice job tho.
~Tdnfthe1
(Why don't ppl criticize my stuff like this
)Report, edit, etc...Posted by Chef on 2005-11-24 at 14:50:56
I'm not living in a house with a soldier though. As far as free time goes, this didn't take me long to do, maybe 40 minutes maximum (not all at once, obviously).
Thanks for the comments guys, it's nice to know where I stand.
Thanks for the comments guys, it's nice to know where I stand.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by KaboomHahahein on 2005-11-30 at 17:54:52
It was quite good. Nice thoughts you had of this British man 
"battle hardened terrorist". It seemed like an actuall excerpt of a book journal kind of thing.
"battle hardened terrorist". It seemed like an actuall excerpt of a book journal kind of thing.Report, edit, etc...Posted by HorroR on 2005-11-30 at 18:08:10
Lol parrot mutated by Commie scientists. Nice work
Report, edit, etc...Posted by FatalException on 2005-11-30 at 18:29:09
WTF mate? THAT WAS YOUR COFFEE!!! Lol good job though.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by NerdyTerdy on 2005-11-30 at 19:02:27
Lol I loved that, That was my coffee, dammit! lol. Nice work.