Report, edit, etc...Posted by atlass on 2006-01-03 at 01:35:04
[center]Dumb Newspaper Headlines
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
7. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
8. Stud Tires Out
9. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
10. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
11. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
12. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
13. Eye Drops off Shelf
14. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
19. Steals Clock, Faces Time
20. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Random Quotes
1. All your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time.
2. Girls are like internet domain names; the ones I like are already taken
3. Hey, you know what sucks? Vacuums.
4. I am so smart! S-M-R-T!
5. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. - Jack Handy
6. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. - Unknown
7. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. - Jack Handy
8.I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
9.I'd rather be rich than stupid. - Jack Handy
10. If God didn't intend for us to eat them, then why'd he fill them with meat? - Homer Simpson
11. If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out your nose. - Jack Handy
12. I'm not a chicken! You're a turkey! - That kid from that PSA
13. Instant messaging is just multiplayer notepad. - Unknown
14. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handy
15. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. - Homer Simpson
16. My girlfriend got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. - Unknown
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist. - Unknown
18. Up up down down left right left right B A start. - Unknown
19. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. - Jack Handy
20. Where's PacMan when you need him? - Unknown
One Liners
1. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
2. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
3. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
4. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
7. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
8. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
9. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
10. We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
11. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
15. Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
16. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
17. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
18. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
19. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
20. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Fun Phrases - Rated R
1. My kid had sex with your honor student.
2. Lord save me from your followers.
3. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an meanie.
4. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
5. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
6. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
7. (Reportedly seen on a restaurant) GUYS:No shirt, no service GALS:No shirt, no charge
8. Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
9. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
10. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
11. To all you virgins: thanks for nothing.
12. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
[/center]
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
7. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
8. Stud Tires Out
9. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
10. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
11. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
12. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
13. Eye Drops off Shelf
14. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
19. Steals Clock, Faces Time
20. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Random Quotes
1. All your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time.
2. Girls are like internet domain names; the ones I like are already taken
3. Hey, you know what sucks? Vacuums.
4. I am so smart! S-M-R-T!
5. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. - Jack Handy
6. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. - Unknown
7. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. - Jack Handy
8.I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
9.I'd rather be rich than stupid. - Jack Handy
10. If God didn't intend for us to eat them, then why'd he fill them with meat? - Homer Simpson
11. If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out your nose. - Jack Handy
12. I'm not a chicken! You're a turkey! - That kid from that PSA
13. Instant messaging is just multiplayer notepad. - Unknown
14. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handy
15. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. - Homer Simpson
16. My girlfriend got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. - Unknown
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist. - Unknown
18. Up up down down left right left right B A start. - Unknown
19. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. - Jack Handy
20. Where's PacMan when you need him? - Unknown
One Liners
1. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
2. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
3. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
4. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
7. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
8. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
9. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
10. We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
11. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
15. Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
16. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
17. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
18. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
19. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
20. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Fun Phrases - Rated R
1. My kid had sex with your honor student.
2. Lord save me from your followers.
3. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an meanie.
4. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
5. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
6. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
7. (Reportedly seen on a restaurant) GUYS:No shirt, no service GALS:No shirt, no charge
8. Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
9. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
10. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
11. To all you virgins: thanks for nothing.
12. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
[/center]
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kow on 2006-01-03 at 03:49:17
QUOTE
9. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
You're 1/4 alive
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. ~ Jack Handy
Three men can keep a secred, if two of them are dead. ~ Ben Franklin
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Zombie on 2006-01-03 at 04:09:42
QUOTE
4. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
ROFL!!!!!
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Freedawk on 2006-01-03 at 12:49:09
QUOTE
16. My girlfriend got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. - Unknown
I'll Never say that to mine...
QUOTE
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Walkers of me
