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As an enlightened, modern father, I try to be as involved as possible in the lives of my three children. I encourage them to join team sports. I attend their teen parties with them to ensure no drinking or alcohol is on the premises. I keep a fatherly eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say I'm a model parent. My children have never failed to make me proud, and I can say without the slightest embellishment that I have the finest family in the USA.

Two years ago, my wife Martha and I decided that our children's education would not be complete without some grounding in modern computers. To this end, we bought our children a brand new HP to learn with. The kids had a lot of fun using the handful of application programs we'd bought, such as Jasc's Paint Shop Pro and Notepad, and my wife and I were pleased that our gift was received so well. Our son Robert was most entranced by the device, and became quite a pro at surfing the internet. When Robert began to spend whole days on the machine, I became concerned, but Martha advised me to calm down, and that it was only a passing phase. I was content to bow to her experience as a mother, until our youngest daughter, Mary, charged into the living room one night to blurt out: "Robert is a computer nerd!"

As you can imagine, I was amazed. A computer hacker in my own house! I began to monitor my son's habits, to make certain that Mary wasn't just telling stories, as she is prone to doing at times.

After a few days of investigation, and some research into computer nerd, I confronted Robert with the evidence. I'm afraid to say, this was the only time I have ever been truly disappointed in one of my children. We raised them to be honest and to have integrity, and Robert betrayed the principles we tried to encourage in him, when he refused point blank to admit to his activities. His denials continued for hours, and in the end, I was left with no choice but to ban him from using the computer until he is old enough to be responsible for his actions.

After going through this ordeal with my own family, I was left pondering how I could best help others in similar situations. I'd gained a lot of knowledge over those few days regarding nerds. It's only right that I provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be able to tell if their children are being drawn into the world of being a nerd. Perhaps other parents will be able to steer their sons back onto the straight and narrow before extreme measures need to be employed.

To this end, I have decided to publish the top ten signs that your son is a nerd. I advise any parents to read this list carefully and if their son matches the profile, they should take action. A smart parent will first try to reason with their son, before resorting to groundings, or even spanking. I pride myself that I have never had to spank a child, and I hope this guide will help other parents to put a halt to their son's misbehaviour before a spanking becomes necessary.

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1. Has your son asked you to change from AOL to Comast?

Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict "No Nerds Allowed" policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is becoming a nerd, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more faster Internet Service Provider.

I would advise all parents to refuse this request. One of the reasons your son is interested in switching providers is to get away from AOL's crappy speed. This speed is to annoy the customers off. It is best to stick with the speed AOL provides, rather than using a faster solution. If your son is becoming a nerd, he will be able to circumvent any nerd-based measures with surprising ease, using information gleaned from various nerdish sites.

2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember installing?

Your son will probably try to install some nerd software. He may attempt to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under "Install/Remove Programs" in your control panel. Popular nerd software includes "Microsoft Paint", "MSN Messenger" and "Java".

The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine offers to "download" one of the nerdy applications. If this happens, it is time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing him with a grounding. Microsoft paint is a secret program used to display nerdy pictures. But, it got leaked and it became a popular nerd tool. MSN Messenger is the one of the most nerdish tool. It provides private chat with another nerd. Java is used to display nerd games such as "Jiggle Wiggle Diggle."

3. Has your child asked for new hardware?

Computer nerds are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They may request "faster" video cards, and larger hard drives, or even more memory. If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he has a legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer's manufacturer.

If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.

4. Does your child read nerd manuals?

If you pay close attention to your son's reading habits, as I do, you will be able to determine a great deal about his opinions and hobbies. Children are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has had a seventeen year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on inexperienced minds.

There are, unfortunately, many nerd manuals available in bookshops today. A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Programming in HTML" and "Nerds gone Wild" by Dean Diaperbrains; "Nerds!" by Bob Brainless; "Programming with PHP" by Timothy O'Rly; "Geeks" by Jon Fatz; "The Nerd Crackdown" by Bruce Zergling; "Micronerds" by Douglas Cupland; "n00bs and newbs" by Steven Chevy; and "Everyone Loves Nerds" by Eric S. Gaymond.

If you find any of these nerd manuals in your child's possession, confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.

5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?

If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to act like a nerd with other people. The maximum amount of a nerd can take up to eight hours. If your son is doing this, he is breaking the law of physics, and you should stop him immediately. The safest policy is to limit your children's access to the computer to a maximum of forty-five minutes each day.

6. Does your son use Halo?

Halo is an online virtual reality used by nerds. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss nerdy things and train in the use of various firearms. Many nerds develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erotic behaviour at home and at school.

If your son is using Halo, you should make him understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.

7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?

As a child enters the electronic world of nerds, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.

Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk about this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem, and that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has the problem, and you should "back off" and "stop smothering him." Do not allow yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even if he doesn't understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through to him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.

8. Is your son obsessed with "Windows"?

Windows 96, 98, ME, NT, and XP are all versions of an illegal nerd operation system, invented by a Soviet computer nerd named Peggy Barfbutt, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a furniture called "Windows", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by nerds to break into other people's souls to see their deepest, darkest secret. They may also be used to break into people's souls to steal their inner soul, using the "Soulgrabber" program. Barfbutt is a notorious nerd, responsible for writing many nerd programs, such as "telnet", which is used by nerds to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone.

Your son may try to install "Windows" on your hard drive. If he is careful, you may not notice its presence, however, Windows is a capricious beast, and if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break it completely by deleting Linux, at which point you will have to have your computer repaired by a professional.

If you see the word "Windows" during your Linux startup (just after you turn the machine on), your son has installed Windows. In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Windows is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.

9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?

If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a nerd on your hands. Nerds tend to dress in green striped shirts tucked into their pants with a belt around them. They may wear tight pants, striped shirts and flat smooth haris. They may take to carrying "pocket protectors" and some wear a whistle around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this) There are many such nerds in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.

10. Is your son struggling academically?

If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a nerd group, such as the infamous "E3" nerd association. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating with his fellow nerds may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Lunch and Recess. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start gaining weight. For the sake of your child's mental and physical health, you must put a stop to his nerdish behavior, and limit his computer time drastically.

I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child's future may depend upon it. Being a nerd is an illegal and dangerous activity, that may land your child in the abyss, and tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously.

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Whew, that's a long post. Please comment on what I have done a good thing on my son. He is now a football quarterback.

It took me about like an hour to type those things up. Please follow this, fellow parents.

...what the hell?

Hahahaha. That's the best satire I've read in a while...

it is satire...right?

What they said ^ ^

I hope this was a joke post, because I was laughing.

I think it is a joke...because I doubt there really is someone named Timothy O'Rly.

Man! Geekdom ROCKS!

Just a question here: Why do you have three kids if you were born in 1993, according to your profile? That makes you, what, 13-ish?

He's just that sexy

Hey! I typed this! Where did you find it!?

Doodan has three kids?

You didn't write that.

Yes, I am 13 years old. I am very responisble for my age. My girlfriend and I decided to have a baby with our parent's permission. I am still proud of my son.

Assuming you did have a child, the oldest he could be is something like four years old.

So, no.

That is correct. He is a genius.

I love you! Haha, this post owned!

I really hope it's true! Then they will shut down my music for ever and ever! =P

It actually sounds like the work of Doodan.

nice story d00d but i think this belongs in the creative section

Best one yet.

I actually admire your piece of writing, Pacmyan. It starts with very well fundamental topics and it's quite believable. Then as you read more and more you realize how wrong the narrator is and then I laughed my ass out because he actually said something which was less correct than the above.

Great work.

Doodan, you didn't make this. Please, tell the truth.

I want to give this to a computer illiterate and have them scream when Windows XP shows up on startup.

WTF switching from AOL is a good thing...

Microsoft Pain... Comes with ur computer... Everyone has MSN....

LMAO Wait a second? didnt u say it took u an hour to write that post? i guess ur a nerd...


Most Kids and teenagers play Halo, it has nothing to do with being a nerd

Windows is wat runs most computers.... dont know where u came up with the Soul Stealing shiz.

Ok, I wanted to say this is a joke. Just a plain funny joke. Don't take it seriously.

Look down

Ok, I just simply copy and pasted and edited words like O'reily to O'rly and Sterling to Zergling, and hacker to nerd.

Doodan, you actually made that article? If so, you are the most flamed person in history.