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Staredit Network -> Literature & Writing -> Honourable
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Moogle on 2006-01-30 at 05:48:19
[center]HONORURABLE

Take part in a young hero journery across mystical lands as he discovers he trueself and meaning of friendship. Many challages await Dalien and his friends within this tale, are you ready for his story? Many have failed in seeking the truth. Only the brave shall read on.

Note:

Sorry for my poor grammar i'll edit it later on, as well adding extra bits in story and fixing up parts making it more better then was. So leave your comments, dislikes and likes about story, If you wish be part of story then post your inf like below.

Name: Kazen
Age: 17 (?)
Class: Dragoon
Weapon: Iron Spear
Element: Air
Background: Born in small town of blah blah, likes to fish so on so on.

Please be creative in name, as well weapon and background info.
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QUOTE
Chapter 0: Tears of a Oldman

Wind blows harshly against the windows as rain falls down heavy upon the roof, Dalien sits inside his room awaiting this storm to pass by. Suddenly a loud echo roars though the darkness from outside, Thunder strikes at randomly all over the place, causing loud echos rumble though the blanked of darkness outside. Rain becomes thinker. Dalien gets annoyed due to fact he needed be somewhere. Then Dalien heard talking coming from downstairs at the counter of the Inn. Dalien goes and see what the troubles is, slowly walking down the stairs over hearing the chat between innkeeper and a soldier. Soldier " I am sorry to bring you this news, its about your son.. " Soldier pauses for second. Innkeeper face expression dims, slowly innkeeper head drops with saddness. Soldier conitunes on with what he was saying " Your son Haalgrim went missing in line of duty, unknown where his whereabouts are. We believe his is dead or taken hostage by them thugs at Redstorm gate. Were doing everything in our power find out for you till then were sorry for your lose. " Soldiers hands a letter to innkeeper whom fallen to ground in tears and walks away without caring. Dalien is sadden deeply by this, watches as the innkeeper just sits on ground crying his eyes out. Dalien sits down at the stairs wondering to himself anyway he can help out the innkeeper. Few hours laterly the innkeeper stops crying, gets up and walks outside in the rain. Dalien runs follow him but loses him in the darkness of the rain. He awaits for the innkeeper return at the frontdoor. During the night, Dalien falls asleep at the door and is awoken hours later by the innkeeper. Sun is up and shining bright downwards upon Dalien. Innkeeper had kinda a smile on his face as he looks down at Dalien, then says " So ya been sleep here all night " i get up and smile at the innkeeper then nod saying yes to him. Innkeeper walked inside then shouted out " Come on inside i'll make ya something to eat " then walks off into back of the inn. Dalien gets up and dusts himself off. Stares out into grassy fields as wind blows slowly against them. Dalien walks inside the inn and takes a seat awaiting the return of the innkeeper. Few minutes later innkeeper returns with a plate, places it down infront of Dalien then walks away, As innkeeper walks away Dalien calls out to innkeeper " Hold on second, your not joining me? " innkeepr stops in his tracks and turns around nods at Dalien and takes aseat across from him. Dalien clears his throat for second as he looks up at innkeeper and says in a gentle voice, " I over heard the soldier talking to you lastnite. I know i should of been listening but i want do something for you, As my father told me never leave a man behind in war. Bring his body home to where he was born that way he can be buried a honourable way. So i'll do this task for you, bring back your son to you. " Innkeeper was shocked by what Dalien said and replyed in a semi-happy voice " you-uuu would do this for me? You owe me nothing? Why then? " Dalien face expression changed to a sadden look. As he hand strokes his chin as his eyes grow dim. Then in a soft voice Dalien tells the innkeeper why, " Few months back i lost my own son and wife in the battle. A soldier much like yours came to my encampment on the outskrits of Ta'goll and told me about what happen. A Raid party of the enemy attacked the convoy heading to Fa'ellen City, My wife and son were killed during the raid and bodies were missing. I went searching for them for a couple days to bring there bodies home and bury them in there rightful place. Was hardess day for me and i rather not see anyone else suffer to not see there child once more before you have let him go to our heavenly father. " Dalien head drops alittle as a tear runs down his cheek. Innkeeper crys from Dalien story and replys in a sadden voice " That must of been hard on you to lose two of your loved ones at sametime. I would be greatful if you could do this for me.. " Dalien nods and starts to eat his meal. Stops for second during his meal and says to innkeeper " After this meal i shall begin my journery find your son, It'll be long and hard one since i have travel though the battlefields but i will not fail you this a promise i make to you and god. " Innkeeper gets up and walks to the counter pulls out a sack and throws it on table where Dalien sits. As soon sack his the trouble made aloud jiggle sound like gold does, Innkeeper said " Take this for your journery, I'll see you when you come back. All i can do now is say good-day to you and good luck " on innkeeper final words walks away to back of the inn once again. Dalien finishes up his meal and heads upstairs to his room pack up his gear to get ready for his journery.


QUOTE
Chapter 1: Darken Times

As Dalien packs up his gear into his backpack, Dalien hears alot of loud sounds coming from downstairs. Yelling and metal clashing. Without even thinking Dalien draws his Long sword from its protector and walks down stairs slowly see what all the noise is about. As Dalien reaches the bottom of stairs he see's innkeeper running passed him to his front door out of nowhere a arrow hits innkeeper in his back killing him instantly. Few seconds later two soldiers walk by laughing about it. Dalien still standing there with his sword drawn awaiting for combat, gets ready to attack the two soldiers. But out of nowhere came a unknown person in a dark cape walking though the door. In a blinking flash of light both of the soldiers fell to the ground by no normal mortal wounds. Blood gusted out of them all over the place, as blood hit the wall started to light on fire as the dark figure in cape looks up at starts at me with these darken dimmed red eyes then turns around walks to innkeeper body and picks it up. As i ran see whom this figure was a thick mist came in and he just disappeared. As i stared out into mist i forgot about fires blazing inside of the inn, until a plank of wood fell next to Dalien. Dalien almost forgot his gear upstairs ran back inside the blazing inn to grab his gear. Soon as Dalien gotten his gear he noticed noway get back downstairs so Dalien jumped though the window and fell onto the soft grasses next to the inn, Lucky this grass was here to catch Dalien fall. As Dalien got up to watch the inn burn to ashes he noticed a odd glow coming from doorstep of the inn, a shiney object of some kind, Dalien stuck his longsword into fires to pull out the object as he dragged it out was burnt amulet of some kind with ancient writing ingraved on it. Dalien only knew of one person who could figure out what this was, Ancient Schooler. Falgorn Mage of Za'ken. Dalien slowly walked down the misty path heading to Za'ken as he leaves the burnt out inn and the two soldier bodies. He hadn;t forgotten his promise to keeper, Dalien said he would return and he will. But before he could do that he must know what he up against. This dark cape figure had Dalien spooked. Was he on his side? Was he evil? What he going do with innkeeper. So much puzzled Daliens and clouded his thoughts. Few hours later it started to get dark. Dalien setup a camp fire near edge of the road. As soon the camp was setup started to rant some spell that learnt from his father at young age, a protection spell doesnt let anyone in his camp if he means harm towards Dalien, only lasted a few hours but enough time for Dalien get some sleep. Still a 2 day walk to Za'Ken ans lots of danger still lies ahead for young Dalien. Daybreak arrives once again and Dalien wakes up to see somethign or someone sleeping inside of his campsite. Dalien gotup to see whom or what it was. Dalien picked up his longsword holder and poked the thing sleeping near him, a loud ouch came from it atleast Dalien near was something human well he hoped, out from under the blankets popped out a Halfling head screaming at Dalien " Why hell you poke me for? Would you like me if i did it too you? Damn males these days. " Dalien was glad wasnt anything bad and let out big sighed and replyed in sorry voice " I am deeply sorry mi'lady i thought you were something not friendly that is all. " As the half-ling gets up and stares at Dalien for few mintures wondering if trust him or not. Then suddenly all cheerful and says really loudly " Im Xia, A thief of Auzelen. Its my trade, its My job, And hell im one hell good thief, For lady that is " Dalien started to laugh abit at it, Xia didnt find it funny at all gave Dalien a deep evil glare and Dalien stopped laughing " Sorry about that Xia, I am Dalien. Im a Dark Paladin, Well nice see'ing you but i got long journery ahead of me to Za'ken " Dalien starts pack up his gear, but Xia mumbled something for few times and then said outloud " Then its settled im coming with you to Za'ken i have few things i need settle there. " Dalien stopped packing his gear and turned to Xia with a puzzled look. Xia yelled at Dalien " Don't you give me that look! Two people is better then one in these neck of the woods ya know. Sheese are all humans stupid as you? " Dalien just laughed and didnt reply. About half n hour later Xia and Dalien were on there way to Za'ken.


QUOTE
Chapter 2: Tales of the woods...

As Dalien and Xia wonder though the woods heading to Za'ken, Xia remembered a tale about the woods which her father told her as young girl. Xia looked at Dalien in a happy cheerful smile but Dalien didnt see as one. He jumped up and looked at Xia in puzzling look and said " Don't ever look at me like that again, like you want to strip me naked and rape me. " Xia head fell down with a loud sigh replyed in a gentle voice " Very well then i was going tell you a tale about these woods but since your got sex on your brain i wont even bother. For starters you to even think i want to do a human makes me sick in pit of my stomach. Damn men!! " Xia walks ahead of Dalien i a fast pace. Dalien stood there in middle road puzzled about what just happened. But Dalien didnt care much about what happened he chased after Xia yelling " WAIT I WANT TO HEAR THE STORY.. " Finally Xia stopped waiting for Dalien gave a soft grin at Dalien then went and sat down by a large tree. Dalien followed Xia sat by large stump near by tree. Xia started to draw in the dirt odd pictures and symbols. Few mintures later Xia started to chart some magical song, to Dalien this was just boring untill pictures from dirt started come alive and do stuff. Xia started to talk normal once again and this what she said.  " Many eras ago in thes woods use live a powerful Paladin by name of Ash'gan. He onced lived in peace with all the animals and people within these woods till one cursed day when all changed for him. His wife died from unknown disease the was destorying her body. Wasnt any normal type of disease this type could only be caused by a Evil Warlock. In rage Ash'gan took it out on all animals and villagers within these woods. But Ash'gan didnt know that Evil Warlock whom did this expect him do what he did. After Ash'gan nothing more raged filled up within him causing him turn Dark Paladin. " Dalien yells out  " Hold on second, Im a Dark Paladin im not full of rage, well maybe a little bit.. " Xia stared at Dalien in a pissed off look and replyed " Ok Dalien im not telling you rest of the story. " Dalien stomped his foot down in front of Xia. Xia jumped alittle and waited for Dalien say something, Finally Dalien said " Let me guess to this day now he still roams these woods? " Xia nodded and pointed behind Dalien. Dalien Turned around slowly see a Skeleton like creature staring at him. Dalien let out a loud Roar sound that echo'ed though a small part of the woods. Dalien laughed thinking he was so tough. Then Skeleton creature came out the shadows showing his true from, The Dark Paladin Ash'gan. Ash'gan smiled at Dalien and Xia then let out a loud horroficing roar that echo'd though the woods like a howling death sound. Dalien drew his sword from his holder readying for combat, Xia put her hand on Dalien blade and said " No mortal blade can hurt Ash'gan " Dalien smiled at Xia then ran head on into battle against Ash'gan. Dalien thrusted his sword at full speed to Ash'Gan lower body, but missed Ash'gan was greater then normal Dark Paladins. Dalien leaped off one foot to turn around at speed he was going. Swong his sword at a lower half of Ash'gan body yet missed again. Ash'gan elbowed Dalien in back causing him hit the ground hard. Ash'gan let out evil laugh, then kicked Dalien in gut causing him fly up in the air then with a great smashing power punched dalien in the stomachin caushing him fly at a tree. Tree Sapped in half and landed on Dalien knocking him out. Ash'gan turned around and looked at Xia with his evil red eyes and demonical laugh. Slowly walking towards here one step at time with his laugh getting louder and more eviler each step. Then suddenly with Dalien had feel lound nosie happening, Ash'gan turned around and Xia stood up to see. A dark mystical glow was coming from where Dalien fell. A dark explosion happened and bright light blurred across blinding Ash'gan n Xia. Then out of the bright glow came Dalien with his sword, he thrusted it into Ash'gan caushing him great pain and with a big cloud of dust he disappeared. Dalien fell to ground puffing and said to Xia " Lets go, was only a clone of him he'll be looking for us now for sure. " Dalien and Xia started to run really fast.


QUOTE
Chapter 3: Myths 'n' Reality

As Dalien and Xia run away a ghost stalker chases them down the twisty paths of the forest. Without looking where Xia was going she feel over a root lying in the middle of the road instantly falling down in her trees injurying her leg. Dalien stops in his paths wondering what to do, Save Xia or flee for his life. In a blink of a flashing light Ash'gan appeared infront of Xia and Dalien with a  huge evil grin. A huge army started to spawn from the grounds below, Dalien draws his weapon slowly praying to his god for protection against these forsakenal summons of Ash'gan. Fate has shown that myths can twisted in world of reality, somehow Dalien knew he wasnt real but he still exist in the plains infront him. As Dalien was about to attack he remembered something his brother told him about being a Dark Paladin, A special move which can save them. But comes at a cost he must give up a part of his soul to use this ability. Without even caring Dalien grined at Ash'gan pushed his sword behind in the dirt, Xia looked at Dalien with fright in her eyes as she had feeling she was going to die. Ash'gan started to laugh at Dalien and said in a dark creepy voice " Fool nothing can stop me, no mortal weapon can destory me! i am myth and reality in one. " After Ash'gan stopped he pointed a Xia his army started to rush at her at full pace, death was only option for her here. Dalien let out a big yell, " NOOOOOOOO, i will protect her " darkness sweeped though Daliens eyes as great power lurked within him, Ash'gan looked at Dalien with fear, his army stopped in there tracks and Xia moved to the side scared of this new power found within Dalien. Dark bubbles started to appear all around the place as sparks came from Dalien hand and sword, as he stared at Ash'gan with rage of bitter hate, he swung his sword forward letting out a huge power slash swepted across the dirt like a shooting star then spitted up into mutli-slashes hitting all of Ash'gan army minions causing them to vanish into thin-air. Final Slash turn into a Demi blackhole draining the life-force from Ash'gan causing his body and soul to be sucked into the blackhole out from the darkness of the blackhole jumped Dalien slicing Ash'gan in half, Ash'gan fell inhalf and hits ground, blackhole closes up Dalien in a loud echo'ing rage roar lets out huge scream stabbing his stole into Ash'gan aborsbing him into his sword. Few seconds later dust cleared and darkness went away, Dalien stood there looking at the ground where Ash'gan once was then fainted. Xia ran to him see if he was alright he was completey drained of energy. Xia setted up a came and put Dalien next to it let him recover from his battle agains Ash'gan. Xia sat at the campfire from otherside staring at Dalien the whole time wondering where this inner dark power comes from? How he learnt it? Why did he use it? And what did it cost him? Alot of other questions where going though her head to so many that she fell asleep from the thoughts. A few hours later Xia awoke to a smell of meat, She popped up her head hoping it wasnt any trouble just was Dalien cooking something to eat, he looked over at Xia whom had a shocked face and said to her " Want something to eat? Look abit hungry " Then smiled and awaited her reply in a happy mood. Xia nodded at Dalien he cutted off another bit from a boar near him, Xia didnt remeber that boar being there before, Then Xia thought to herself she must of dozed off longer then she thought for him go out and kill aboar. She looked at Dalien again and said in a soft voice " Ahem... Dalien ... Nevermind " Dalien looked up at Xia he could see something was troubling her he didnt say nothing because she looked worried and scared. Dalien then got up and brought a plate of meat over to her and smiled again then walked back to his sit. Dalien looked up at the sky at the glimmering stars the shined so bringht the the thick layers of trees. Xia was so hungry she didnt care what Dalien was looking at she just dug in like a wild pig whom havent been feed in a month, Dalien started to laugh real hard at way Xia was eating, Xia head popped up and gave evil glare then started to laugh as well. After the meal Xia and Dalien looked at the stars for awhile dreaming about things, Dalien then looked at Xia sitting next him and noticed something strange about her he didnt notice before, how moonlight shined off her showing her true beatuy and lusty features a funny feeling started to grown inside of him as he looked at her he turned away and looked at stars again, without noticing Xia moved closer to him and put her head on his shoulder wraped her arms around his army and fell sleep on his shoulder, he didnt mind at all, He felt safe with her next him.


" More to be added "

\\Moogle
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-02-02 at 01:34:47
So exactly what is this, we add onto the story, or read it and give comments?
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Moogle on 2006-02-02 at 20:53:36
I havent finished story yet, still adding rest of chapters as i go, due fact iwork alot havent had time add more on. Just leave your comments and what you think needs improving. Other then my grammar//english.

\\Moogle
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Doodan on 2006-02-15 at 12:55:54
Your story has potential for great drama, heartbreak, romance, and comedy. However, what you need to improve is making the writing more interesting. For instance, you should end every chapter with suspense. You must make the reader want to know what will happen next. You should never end a chapter with "and then they feel asleep" or "They were happy that their job was done", because it gives the reader a chance to take a break. If the reader has something else to do, they will probably take that time to do it and might forget about reading more. Your story must be addictive. You must make it so that the reader will be anxious to get home again and read more whenever they're forced to go to work or whatever. Chapter 2 had a good ending. The characters were still in danger and there were unanswered questions.

Also, some of the wording needs to be improved. I'm not talking about spelling and grammar, but the words you chose to describe events. In Chapter 1, you said something like "blood splattered all over the place" and in Chapter 2, you said something like "the sand pictures came to life and started to do stuff". Be descriptive. Say the blood spattered all over the innkeeper's family pictures, or all over the table where they had just eaten their meal. Say the sand drawings started to do some sort of tribal dance, or something like that. Being specific helps evoke the feelings in the reader.

Aside from chapter structure and choices of wording, I think your story is just fine. You've got some interesting characters with the potential for depth. You introduced them well, too. You don't waste time on things that don't matter to the story (actually, that's VERY good. So many writers waste time on unimportant things to make their story longer, I'm glad you don't).

Keep up the good work!
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Doodle77(MM) on 2006-02-24 at 10:37:38
Youre having the said problem.
Read this
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