Report, edit, etc...Posted by Thesieger on 2006-02-06 at 16:39:42
[center]The Siege Of Amon-Rukh[/center]
Crisp autumn air met the empty streets of Ja-Hein. A lone marine patrolled the streets. He paused at a door and peered in. As he walked away, a shadow lunged from a dark corner. It caught him square in the back; he instantly crumpled to the ground. He lay there for what seemed like a long while, waiting to die. Finally the pain overcame him, and he blacked out. His assailant raised his body from the shadows of an alley; he walked stiffly towards the unmoving body. He checked for pulse, upon finding one he walked a few steps away and took a transmitter from his pocket. He smiled as he let it fall to the ground, as it hit the light blinked red. “Time to die.” He said as he walked away, smiling madly.
A unit of ten men stood guard over the weapons depots. “That’s all?” A man dressed in dark black whispered to the thing next to him. ‘Yes, that is all’, the thing ‘spoke’. “Good” the man whispered. He raised his rifle into firing position, but then lowered it. He quickly calculated the distance and blast radius of a ‘sticky’ grenade. Finding it satisfactory, he pulled one from his belt and lobbed it at the unit of marines. It impacted on the ground between them all, the man smiled as no one noticed it. Before the marines knew what hit them, they had been blasted to their atoms. Once again he had calculated perfectly, the blast just skimmed the metal of the depot. Leaving a small hole in the side. He sprinted down, as fast as his back jointed legs would carry him.
Once inside the depot, he cleared the comm room, and began his work. By the computers calculation it would take the fleet two more days to reach the small system. Once again he smiled his eerie smile. He quickly plotted his path to the nearest military base, his smile faded. The nearest base was bas Amon-Rukh, one legendary for its defenses. He quickly calculated his odds of survival, finding they were below his standard; he plotted the course to the next nearest. Finding that even with his shadow speeder, it was still over three days away. He frowned as he calculated his battle plan.
Crisp autumn air met the empty streets of Ja-Hein. A lone marine patrolled the streets. He paused at a door and peered in. As he walked away, a shadow lunged from a dark corner. It caught him square in the back; he instantly crumpled to the ground. He lay there for what seemed like a long while, waiting to die. Finally the pain overcame him, and he blacked out. His assailant raised his body from the shadows of an alley; he walked stiffly towards the unmoving body. He checked for pulse, upon finding one he walked a few steps away and took a transmitter from his pocket. He smiled as he let it fall to the ground, as it hit the light blinked red. “Time to die.” He said as he walked away, smiling madly.
A unit of ten men stood guard over the weapons depots. “That’s all?” A man dressed in dark black whispered to the thing next to him. ‘Yes, that is all’, the thing ‘spoke’. “Good” the man whispered. He raised his rifle into firing position, but then lowered it. He quickly calculated the distance and blast radius of a ‘sticky’ grenade. Finding it satisfactory, he pulled one from his belt and lobbed it at the unit of marines. It impacted on the ground between them all, the man smiled as no one noticed it. Before the marines knew what hit them, they had been blasted to their atoms. Once again he had calculated perfectly, the blast just skimmed the metal of the depot. Leaving a small hole in the side. He sprinted down, as fast as his back jointed legs would carry him.
Once inside the depot, he cleared the comm room, and began his work. By the computers calculation it would take the fleet two more days to reach the small system. Once again he smiled his eerie smile. He quickly plotted his path to the nearest military base, his smile faded. The nearest base was bas Amon-Rukh, one legendary for its defenses. He quickly calculated his odds of survival, finding they were below his standard; he plotted the course to the next nearest. Finding that even with his shadow speeder, it was still over three days away. He frowned as he calculated his battle plan.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Merrell on 2006-02-07 at 21:36:27
Seemed a little boring to read. I'm thinking maybe you need to use indirect communication more instead of directly telling the story. Seemed to revolve around calculations. Needs a bit more "plot."
Nice try anyway. Practice makes perfect.
Nice try anyway. Practice makes perfect.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Thesieger on 2006-02-08 at 16:01:24
*looks at post name*
still room to improve
well i have anotehr paragraph to be put in....
but it can wait
still room to improve
well i have anotehr paragraph to be put in....
but it can wait
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-02-12 at 05:29:28
A common mistake I found in your story that I often find in mine.
He this.. he that... over use of "He". I count 11 just in the first paragraph.
Other than that, keep up the potential good work!
He this.. he that... over use of "He". I count 11 just in the first paragraph.
Other than that, keep up the potential good work!
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Thesieger on 2006-02-12 at 07:01:52
hmmmmm......i guess i should give him a name.....when i think of one 
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-02-14 at 21:36:08
Even with a name, make sure not to overuse it. surely you've heard of, "That's my name, don't wear it out" 