Report, edit, etc...Posted by MiniDude on 2006-02-24 at 23:04:14
Ok people here is a poll for those of you who wont post please answer the poll for i am desperate for feed back Here is the link for chapter 1 in you have not already red it. 
PLZ PPLE I AM DESPERATE FOR FEED BACK!
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
The Journey
The room started spinning around them. Then suddenly they felt like they were being sucked into a vacuum. They looked at the computer and saw that it was sucking them in slowly. The phone as weird as it may seem started ringing. Joe tried to pick it up to answer, but missed it by ¼ of an inch. In an instant, all was calm. There was no more suction and the room was no longer spinning. The room was not the same though.
They were piled on top of each other, in the center of a circular room. As they looked around themselves. They saw three doors. One of the doors, had a picture of a Zealot on it, Underneath the Zealot was some strange writing. None of them could tell for sure, but it looked like some form of Chinese writing. The second door had a Hydralisk above it. The writing beneath it looked the same as the writing under the Zealot, except this writing looked as though it were clawed into the wall. The third door had a picture of a marine above it, under the picture in English; it said “Learn about this race.” They guessed that all of the doors said the make thing.
“I think that we should go through the Protoss door,” Bob said. The Protoss door was the one with the Zealot on it. That is the name of the Zealots race.
“Oh ya? Well I think that we should go through the Zerg Door. We may finally find out where they came from and how they communicate. This may be our only chance to ever learn about the Zerg and all of they’re secrets.” Joe yelled. The Zerg door was the one with the Hydralisk on it; the Zergling’s race is also Zerg.
“Well we could all go through a different door,” Billy finally spoke. “That way we will learn about all of the races and how each of them worked. When we met up on the other side, if we are in the game now, we would be indestructible; so to speak. We could possibly get rid of the Zerg for ever! And if Protoss Stood in our way, we would have the knowledge to get rid of them as well. With the Terran forces, we would be able to allow the Terran to RULE THE WORLD!” Billy said excitedly.
“Ok,” Bob said. “But if we make it to the other side of these doors, we will need to all meet up at Jim Rayner’s Terran base!” Without pausing Bob opened the Protoss door and walked in, unfortunately there was no floor. He let out a yell and his door closed. He Stopped falling and floated through a hallway. On the walls of the hallway, there was information written on them. Surprisingly it was in English, and with that Bob started reading. He read about all of the Protoss units including they’re history. Here is a list of the units that he saw. (next page) Bob Also Learned that the Zerg were created by the Zel’Naga just as the Protoss was. But the Zerg escaped before the Zel’Naga could destroy them.
Joe had chosen the Zerg and went to open the door. He opened it and went to take a step inside, but just like Bob There was no floor and he started falling. He, just like Bob, let out a yell as he fell down the tunnel. He saw the ground nearing and put his arms in front of his face, but he never had impact. He moved his arms and opened hid eyes, and he say the floor 3 inches below him. Just as he was calming down, a path lit up and showed him a tunnel. As Joe started to walk down the tunnel, he stepped in something gooey. He looked down only to find that the floor had creep all over it.Joe sighed and kept walking, but every time he took a step,*GUSH*. As Joe continued to keep walking, he saw that on the walls had the units and their description. He read about their weaknesses and their strengths.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Billy was extremely scared, because Bob and Joe had both fell and yelled. Tons of thoughts were running through his head. “Were they alive, would he fall, were they ever going to see each other again?” Such thoughts were frightening Billy so he though about something else. He opened his door, and instead of trying to walk in, he knelt down and felt for a floor. He was extremely relieved when his hand touched solid ground. So Billy stood up, and walked into the room. Suddenly Billy fell to the floor, then, he realized that he was on a kind of elevator. He stood back up and waited for a few seconds. He reached the top and the wall came out. It pushed him off the elevator. He looked at his surroundings, and saw that he was in a square room. A robotic arm came out from the ceiling of the room and kindly gave him a push. Billy fell backwards and landed in an awesomely soft chair. The arm came towards Billy’s face. It gently placed glasses over his eyes. Suddenly it was like he was watching a movie, but it was being narrated and there was no sound.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Bob suddenly awoke from the temperature. He was freezing and he felt like an ice cube. Bob was been lying down on a softly padded bed. He sat up and looked around. To him at the moment, he felt like a gunny pig being watched. The reason was because he was in a glass room, and there were people all around him, on the other side of the glass. Many of them looked like they were scientists. Bob looked behind him and was relieved to see that Billy and Joe were with him. They were still sleeping, so Bob decided to go ahead and go back to sleep.
PLZ PPLE I AM DESPERATE FOR FEED BACK!Chapter 1
Chapter 2
The Journey
The room started spinning around them. Then suddenly they felt like they were being sucked into a vacuum. They looked at the computer and saw that it was sucking them in slowly. The phone as weird as it may seem started ringing. Joe tried to pick it up to answer, but missed it by ¼ of an inch. In an instant, all was calm. There was no more suction and the room was no longer spinning. The room was not the same though.
They were piled on top of each other, in the center of a circular room. As they looked around themselves. They saw three doors. One of the doors, had a picture of a Zealot on it, Underneath the Zealot was some strange writing. None of them could tell for sure, but it looked like some form of Chinese writing. The second door had a Hydralisk above it. The writing beneath it looked the same as the writing under the Zealot, except this writing looked as though it were clawed into the wall. The third door had a picture of a marine above it, under the picture in English; it said “Learn about this race.” They guessed that all of the doors said the make thing.
“I think that we should go through the Protoss door,” Bob said. The Protoss door was the one with the Zealot on it. That is the name of the Zealots race.
“Oh ya? Well I think that we should go through the Zerg Door. We may finally find out where they came from and how they communicate. This may be our only chance to ever learn about the Zerg and all of they’re secrets.” Joe yelled. The Zerg door was the one with the Hydralisk on it; the Zergling’s race is also Zerg.
“Well we could all go through a different door,” Billy finally spoke. “That way we will learn about all of the races and how each of them worked. When we met up on the other side, if we are in the game now, we would be indestructible; so to speak. We could possibly get rid of the Zerg for ever! And if Protoss Stood in our way, we would have the knowledge to get rid of them as well. With the Terran forces, we would be able to allow the Terran to RULE THE WORLD!” Billy said excitedly.
“Ok,” Bob said. “But if we make it to the other side of these doors, we will need to all meet up at Jim Rayner’s Terran base!” Without pausing Bob opened the Protoss door and walked in, unfortunately there was no floor. He let out a yell and his door closed. He Stopped falling and floated through a hallway. On the walls of the hallway, there was information written on them. Surprisingly it was in English, and with that Bob started reading. He read about all of the Protoss units including they’re history. Here is a list of the units that he saw. (next page) Bob Also Learned that the Zerg were created by the Zel’Naga just as the Protoss was. But the Zerg escaped before the Zel’Naga could destroy them.
Joe had chosen the Zerg and went to open the door. He opened it and went to take a step inside, but just like Bob There was no floor and he started falling. He, just like Bob, let out a yell as he fell down the tunnel. He saw the ground nearing and put his arms in front of his face, but he never had impact. He moved his arms and opened hid eyes, and he say the floor 3 inches below him. Just as he was calming down, a path lit up and showed him a tunnel. As Joe started to walk down the tunnel, he stepped in something gooey. He looked down only to find that the floor had creep all over it.Joe sighed and kept walking, but every time he took a step,*GUSH*. As Joe continued to keep walking, he saw that on the walls had the units and their description. He read about their weaknesses and their strengths.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Billy was extremely scared, because Bob and Joe had both fell and yelled. Tons of thoughts were running through his head. “Were they alive, would he fall, were they ever going to see each other again?” Such thoughts were frightening Billy so he though about something else. He opened his door, and instead of trying to walk in, he knelt down and felt for a floor. He was extremely relieved when his hand touched solid ground. So Billy stood up, and walked into the room. Suddenly Billy fell to the floor, then, he realized that he was on a kind of elevator. He stood back up and waited for a few seconds. He reached the top and the wall came out. It pushed him off the elevator. He looked at his surroundings, and saw that he was in a square room. A robotic arm came out from the ceiling of the room and kindly gave him a push. Billy fell backwards and landed in an awesomely soft chair. The arm came towards Billy’s face. It gently placed glasses over his eyes. Suddenly it was like he was watching a movie, but it was being narrated and there was no sound.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Bob suddenly awoke from the temperature. He was freezing and he felt like an ice cube. Bob was been lying down on a softly padded bed. He sat up and looked around. To him at the moment, he felt like a gunny pig being watched. The reason was because he was in a glass room, and there were people all around him, on the other side of the glass. Many of them looked like they were scientists. Bob looked behind him and was relieved to see that Billy and Joe were with him. They were still sleeping, so Bob decided to go ahead and go back to sleep.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-02-28 at 01:07:02
You are very detailed. That's good... and bad.
Sometimes, one often tells a story so detailed, the attention of the audience begins to wander. Describe the details as you wish, but only to what's important and also to set up a mood or atmosphere.
For example (here goes me again -_-).
Cathrine walked into the room, phone in hand, "It's for you." She stood in the way of a teenage girl full of attitude and annoyance would; a hand on her slanting hip, the phone flopped on her hand.
The thick air in the room made her sick. She's always hated the smell of a room full of teenage geeks playing video games in the dark and whiping their chip-oiled hands on the defiled couch.
So above, it gives the mood of Cathrine and supports it with what she does. Then the second part described the room from her point of view, which also has her attitude in the way she sees it all. And by using her attitude, the section then described the room in a way one would see displeasing. While another person, could easily see that same room in a different perspective and make it sound rather desirable. So basically, show YOUR point of view to it, not just describe what was what, elsewise, we might as well be reading a documentary
Sometimes, one often tells a story so detailed, the attention of the audience begins to wander. Describe the details as you wish, but only to what's important and also to set up a mood or atmosphere.
For example (here goes me again -_-).
Cathrine walked into the room, phone in hand, "It's for you." She stood in the way of a teenage girl full of attitude and annoyance would; a hand on her slanting hip, the phone flopped on her hand.
The thick air in the room made her sick. She's always hated the smell of a room full of teenage geeks playing video games in the dark and whiping their chip-oiled hands on the defiled couch.
So above, it gives the mood of Cathrine and supports it with what she does. Then the second part described the room from her point of view, which also has her attitude in the way she sees it all. And by using her attitude, the section then described the room in a way one would see displeasing. While another person, could easily see that same room in a different perspective and make it sound rather desirable. So basically, show YOUR point of view to it, not just describe what was what, elsewise, we might as well be reading a documentary
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Mp)Blu on 2006-03-01 at 17:34:19
sexy beast is right. I wondered off. I could think and pretty much predict your story because of the way you write. It would be better if you did have a description of characters, giving the characters more meaning. 
Report, edit, etc...Posted by SeyoDragon on 2006-03-09 at 20:12:42
again, it is easier to read at school.
Cant wait for chapter three bob
GREAT JOB
party at bobs 
woops didnt mean that one 
ADDITION:
guess what
i got my e-mail to work
oh ya and at my friends house
sorry i couldnt come over but i promised him remember still im sorry
i still might be able to have a sleepover
Cant wait for chapter three bob
GREAT JOB
party at bobs
woops didnt mean that one ADDITION:
guess what
i got my e-mail to work
oh ya and at my friends house
sorry i couldnt come over but i promised him remember still im sorry
i still might be able to have a sleepover
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-03-21 at 02:18:12
Seyo, the last part of your message went *WHOOSHH*, right over my head!
Why thank you, blu
I don't know when that title came upon me, but apparently it has, and, hell, why not
Minidude, we need a feedback from you. Perhaps your progress, plans, anything?
Why thank you, blu
I don't know when that title came upon me, but apparently it has, and, hell, why not Minidude, we need a feedback from you. Perhaps your progress, plans, anything?
Report, edit, etc...Posted by SeyoDragon on 2006-03-31 at 21:01:06
Dude Bob,
I Didn't know you switched your old signature with the animation.
It's the coolest.
I just want to know why.
See you at school.
I Didn't know you switched your old signature with the animation.
It's the coolest.
I just want to know why.
See you at school.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by KrAzY on 2006-03-31 at 21:15:01
Sorry to tell you, but your signature is way too big.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-04-01 at 01:06:00
Thought we were sticking to the topic? hm? Lol jk, just being an ass
Anyhow, I agree, your sig is way too big. If we start responding to you and you respond to that, i'm going use those stick figures for camp fire
Anyhow, I agree, your sig is way too big. If we start responding to you and you respond to that, i'm going use those stick figures for camp fire