Report, edit, etc...Posted by Screwed on 2006-03-22 at 01:32:34
The clockticking echoed itself in the deafening silence. A young figure rested his bottom on the surface of the chair; but at the bottom of his heart he is restless. His feet shuffled consitently as if they have contracted fire. A white man entered the room, dissolving into the quietness.
Richard was frozen. You can imagine him shattering into unfixble bits if you managed to touch him. The white man approached the teen that was clutching to his inanimate friend's hand like a street child clinging onto a bitten loaf of bread. The atmosphere was choking. This made the doctor's words tense. "You should go home and get some rest yourself my boy...". The street child tensed his hands harder. The doctor understood and left the room again.
It was all an accident. The tree projected it's limbs into the windscreen and all Richard knew is that he is smothered in his friend's blood. His beloved friend has been asleep since. Only now that nothing can muffle the "I'll be with you here, forever and ever" that Richard keeps congesting in his mouth right until now, the midnight of the incident.
Richard and Dennis shared their lives mutually, but Richard felt more for Dennis than just friends. Richard thought of how he kept this love for his dear 'confidant' a secret. Just something between him and himself. Richard is a matrioshka doll. You can peel his masks off one by one until you strip him naked of his lies and repression and his privatic emotions are undug from some hopeless grave. The teen couldn't tell anyone his feelings. He simply valued their friendship more.
Richard observed the empty room, then he lifted his coma-stricken friend's neck and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. Although he tied and mingled his life to some machine, his smile and skin is still full of life. Dennis looked like the sleeping beauty. Richard only wished he was.
At this moment memories gushed out of Richard's mind like a dam broken loose. He thought about great times and bad times they supported each other. He remembered once when they were walking home on a scorching day, Dennis scanned Richard's body and said "You look hot". Richard's blushed face only made him look even more. Dennis connected his smooth, cool hand and slided it across Richard's forehead, "Nope, you're fine" he concluded - like a sudden twist in an seemingly unfinished poem. Richard treasured these moments that are locked away somewhere that even the greatest code deciphers cannot find.
The flashback was interrupted by a long, sinister beep. It sounded like a luring siren. Everything happened blindingly fast, Richard gapped his way to find the doctor only to know seconds later a blanket is over his dear friend as he proceeded his way out of the gate labelled "Operation Room". He's finally free Richard thought.
Richard suddenly felt blank. The doctors knew why since they found that he had internal bleeding from the impact - but Richard didn't know. He doesn't need to. It was a blessed curse. He woke up from the void only to be greeted by a scorching hot day; not long after also by a familiar voice. "You look hot" marked Dennis. "So do you," Richard's voice replied in harmony, "I love you Dennis" and soon he embraced his great friend knocking him off his balance. After a long endearment on the grass Dennis said "I always loved you too". A fulfilled pause was granted by the two, then Dennis concluded, "now you can be with me here, forever and ever."
--Screwed
Richard was frozen. You can imagine him shattering into unfixble bits if you managed to touch him. The white man approached the teen that was clutching to his inanimate friend's hand like a street child clinging onto a bitten loaf of bread. The atmosphere was choking. This made the doctor's words tense. "You should go home and get some rest yourself my boy...". The street child tensed his hands harder. The doctor understood and left the room again.
It was all an accident. The tree projected it's limbs into the windscreen and all Richard knew is that he is smothered in his friend's blood. His beloved friend has been asleep since. Only now that nothing can muffle the "I'll be with you here, forever and ever" that Richard keeps congesting in his mouth right until now, the midnight of the incident.
Richard and Dennis shared their lives mutually, but Richard felt more for Dennis than just friends. Richard thought of how he kept this love for his dear 'confidant' a secret. Just something between him and himself. Richard is a matrioshka doll. You can peel his masks off one by one until you strip him naked of his lies and repression and his privatic emotions are undug from some hopeless grave. The teen couldn't tell anyone his feelings. He simply valued their friendship more.
Richard observed the empty room, then he lifted his coma-stricken friend's neck and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. Although he tied and mingled his life to some machine, his smile and skin is still full of life. Dennis looked like the sleeping beauty. Richard only wished he was.
At this moment memories gushed out of Richard's mind like a dam broken loose. He thought about great times and bad times they supported each other. He remembered once when they were walking home on a scorching day, Dennis scanned Richard's body and said "You look hot". Richard's blushed face only made him look even more. Dennis connected his smooth, cool hand and slided it across Richard's forehead, "Nope, you're fine" he concluded - like a sudden twist in an seemingly unfinished poem. Richard treasured these moments that are locked away somewhere that even the greatest code deciphers cannot find.
The flashback was interrupted by a long, sinister beep. It sounded like a luring siren. Everything happened blindingly fast, Richard gapped his way to find the doctor only to know seconds later a blanket is over his dear friend as he proceeded his way out of the gate labelled "Operation Room". He's finally free Richard thought.
Richard suddenly felt blank. The doctors knew why since they found that he had internal bleeding from the impact - but Richard didn't know. He doesn't need to. It was a blessed curse. He woke up from the void only to be greeted by a scorching hot day; not long after also by a familiar voice. "You look hot" marked Dennis. "So do you," Richard's voice replied in harmony, "I love you Dennis" and soon he embraced his great friend knocking him off his balance. After a long endearment on the grass Dennis said "I always loved you too". A fulfilled pause was granted by the two, then Dennis concluded, "now you can be with me here, forever and ever."
--Screwed
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-03-22 at 02:19:21
It took me a bit to get into the flow of the story, but suddenly, before I knew it... my heart pounded faster, thirsty for the plot. I thought, "Oh my!" As he kissed his unconcious friend on the lips. My thirst then grew exponentially until the end.
Very well written. It's short and ended fast, but it gave the audience (at least me
) suspense of what's to happen next, the wonder of what has happened before, and then woke me up only to explain everything.
gj
Very well written. It's short and ended fast, but it gave the audience (at least me
) suspense of what's to happen next, the wonder of what has happened before, and then woke me up only to explain everything.gj
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Screwed on 2006-03-24 at 22:54:47
I'm just wondering if the story has too much implied description and made it too confusing...
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-03-25 at 01:51:59
I personally don't think so. The descriptions gave me a feel of the day, the atmosphere, and the emotions of the character. It surely can use refining, but don't stories always?