Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kellodood on 2006-04-07 at 13:38:12
Here are a few poems I have written for a girl I like a lot.
[center]She loves me, she loves me not?
Every time I see those dark beautiful eyes, something inside me just falls over and dies. Do not worry it is not bad, it is the die that makes me glad. Glad that I know you, Treezey of the trees. Forever and ever will you be the one for me.
Your dark hair flows like water. You're such a beauty from your father. The pearly whites blind my eyes, whenever you smile.. I tell no lies! Your beautiful face enters my mind without a trace, Over and over and over which is Tres.
I can never purge you from my mind, I would come up to you from behind. Wrapping my arms around you so, I would never touch down low. Embrace is what I would do, I'd give anything to be with you.[/center]
[center]The Foreigner
Down amoung the swishing waters, stood a young maiden of a dark-haired father. She stood there full of glee, just plain ol' happy to be. Little did she know that I stood there, full with a heart of absolute care. I smiled at her from this seclusion, she surely was not a dillusion. She never knew that I was there, large and protective as a bear. The day of absolute joy came nearer and nearer, forever and ever, it grew more clearer. This was the fair maiden from my dreams, her dark black hair full of beams. I smiled and skipped with joy, for now I wouldn't be a toy! As I ran to her from my seclusion, she was not an illusion! I rushed to her, with arms wide open, I would never be a moapin'!
As I smiled and kissed her pretty little face, she was covered in the most delecate of lace! She chuckled and giggled and was jittery, I looked upon her, her face glittery.
I smiled and looked and told her of my dreams, as she gazed into me and said, "You are my dream."[/center]
Kelly Christensen 2006©
Edit: Made the poems centered.
[center]She loves me, she loves me not?
Every time I see those dark beautiful eyes, something inside me just falls over and dies. Do not worry it is not bad, it is the die that makes me glad. Glad that I know you, Treezey of the trees. Forever and ever will you be the one for me.
Your dark hair flows like water. You're such a beauty from your father. The pearly whites blind my eyes, whenever you smile.. I tell no lies! Your beautiful face enters my mind without a trace, Over and over and over which is Tres.
I can never purge you from my mind, I would come up to you from behind. Wrapping my arms around you so, I would never touch down low. Embrace is what I would do, I'd give anything to be with you.[/center]
[center]The Foreigner
Down amoung the swishing waters, stood a young maiden of a dark-haired father. She stood there full of glee, just plain ol' happy to be. Little did she know that I stood there, full with a heart of absolute care. I smiled at her from this seclusion, she surely was not a dillusion. She never knew that I was there, large and protective as a bear. The day of absolute joy came nearer and nearer, forever and ever, it grew more clearer. This was the fair maiden from my dreams, her dark black hair full of beams. I smiled and skipped with joy, for now I wouldn't be a toy! As I ran to her from my seclusion, she was not an illusion! I rushed to her, with arms wide open, I would never be a moapin'!
As I smiled and kissed her pretty little face, she was covered in the most delecate of lace! She chuckled and giggled and was jittery, I looked upon her, her face glittery.
I smiled and looked and told her of my dreams, as she gazed into me and said, "You are my dream."[/center]
Kelly Christensen 2006©
Edit: Made the poems centered.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Falcon_A on 2006-04-07 at 17:34:53
Don't call me gay, but the first was pretty nice and the second one was beautiful. The whole atmosphere you create is so...wonderful and innocent, though I'd have to say surreal...
I've written stuff like that, but never as beautifully described.
I really like them.
Only thing that I sorta don't like is the rhymes are sorta uneven between syllables, but that's all in the style of it. (I hope that didn't sound too harsh)
Nice work.
I've written stuff like that, but never as beautifully described.
I really like them.
Only thing that I sorta don't like is the rhymes are sorta uneven between syllables, but that's all in the style of it. (I hope that didn't sound too harsh)
Nice work.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-04-07 at 18:07:32
The Bads:
- Rhythm doesn't flow (as well as her hair apparently does).
- You're trying too hard to rhyme.
i.e.:
"our dark hair flows like water. You're such a beauty from your father"
Your previous lines tell of her beauty, but suddenly take a sharp turn towards her father, one which we know nothing about and suddenly appeared in the scenery.)
The Goods:
- Thanks. You gave me the opportunity to picture something so beautiful and wonderous, it was worth reading twice.
- The poem gives the sensation of longing to be with someone, to hold them, to embrace...
- Polish. I personally think the poem could be polished to be better. The idea is in your head, so is the image, all you need to do is transfer it onto a document in a way that we, the audience, could feel as relative to your ideas and feelings as you do.
(due to the fact that I can sound like an ass, I want to tell you that these are my own opinions. You now know them, do what you want with them, even discard them if you like.
Falcon, let that person who accuse you of gayness for your comment be labeled "Immatured and should be slapped".
Ron White, a comedian, once said, "We're all gay, it just depends to what degree."
I agree with this. Why? Because I can have feminine characteristics, yet still be as manly (but not a dumb ass) as most guys out there. I can be soft at heart, knowledgeable in brand names, and hell, even understand fashion. Does that make me gay? For those of you who just thought "yes", reconstruct your philosophy.
Being gay would require me to be physically attracted to my own gender, in this case a male. I can admit some guys are good looking... it kinda sucks, kinda makes me jealous, but that doesn't deny the fact that he's simply good looking. It's an art of nature, as are trees, flowers, stones, and rivers.
I am all those "gay" characteristics I stated above... yet I'm still attracted to women as much as any other guy (though I would have to say most of those other guys have less respect for women...).
Wow look at me go on, I think I'm bored... so I'll write something.
- Rhythm doesn't flow (as well as her hair apparently does).
- You're trying too hard to rhyme.
i.e.:
"our dark hair flows like water. You're such a beauty from your father"
Your previous lines tell of her beauty, but suddenly take a sharp turn towards her father, one which we know nothing about and suddenly appeared in the scenery.)
The Goods:
- Thanks. You gave me the opportunity to picture something so beautiful and wonderous, it was worth reading twice.
- The poem gives the sensation of longing to be with someone, to hold them, to embrace...
- Polish. I personally think the poem could be polished to be better. The idea is in your head, so is the image, all you need to do is transfer it onto a document in a way that we, the audience, could feel as relative to your ideas and feelings as you do.
(due to the fact that I can sound like an ass, I want to tell you that these are my own opinions. You now know them, do what you want with them, even discard them if you like.
QUOTE
Don't call me gay, but the first was pretty nice and the second one was beautiful. The whole atmosphere you create is so...wonderful and innocent, though I'd have to say surreal...
Falcon, let that person who accuse you of gayness for your comment be labeled "Immatured and should be slapped".
Ron White, a comedian, once said, "We're all gay, it just depends to what degree."
I agree with this. Why? Because I can have feminine characteristics, yet still be as manly (but not a dumb ass) as most guys out there. I can be soft at heart, knowledgeable in brand names, and hell, even understand fashion. Does that make me gay? For those of you who just thought "yes", reconstruct your philosophy.
Being gay would require me to be physically attracted to my own gender, in this case a male. I can admit some guys are good looking... it kinda sucks, kinda makes me jealous, but that doesn't deny the fact that he's simply good looking. It's an art of nature, as are trees, flowers, stones, and rivers.
I am all those "gay" characteristics I stated above... yet I'm still attracted to women as much as any other guy (though I would have to say most of those other guys have less respect for women...).
Wow look at me go on, I think I'm bored... so I'll write something.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kellodood on 2006-04-07 at 19:45:13
QUOTE(fm47 @ Apr 7 2006, 03:07 PM)
The Bads:
- You're trying too hard to rhyme.
i.e.:
"our dark hair flows like water. You're such a beauty from your father"
Your previous lines tell of her beauty, but suddenly take a sharp turn towards her father, one which we know nothing about and suddenly appeared in the scenery.)[right][snapback]460873[/snapback][/right]
- You're trying too hard to rhyme.
i.e.:
"our dark hair flows like water. You're such a beauty from your father"
Your previous lines tell of her beauty, but suddenly take a sharp turn towards her father, one which we know nothing about and suddenly appeared in the scenery.)[right][snapback]460873[/snapback][/right]
QUOTE(Kellimus)
Down amoung the swishing waters, stood a young maiden of a dark-haired father.
Um... You quoted it wrong
And i'm trying to make the illusion that her father (Because it's the father who makes the kids male or female) has blessed her with her beautyReport, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-04-08 at 01:23:43
oh, must've missed the "Y" XD
Yeah, I figured that, too, and I understood it... just suddenly a charming man came into the picture when I was picturing a girl of fantasy in the beautiful scenery all by herself >_<
Either way though, I really like the image I got, but I'm sure that same image is many times better in your own head, and I would like to picture in my head as close to that as possible:)
Yeah, I figured that, too, and I understood it... just suddenly a charming man came into the picture when I was picturing a girl of fantasy in the beautiful scenery all by herself >_<
Either way though, I really like the image I got, but I'm sure that same image is many times better in your own head, and I would like to picture in my head as close to that as possible:)
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kellodood on 2006-04-10 at 06:21:39
[center]The way she makes me feel
The glitering eyes of such kindness, could cure anyone of any kind of blindness... The crackling smile of one so divine, always conjuring up a line.. Her beautiful reverberating voice resonates throughout my head, never do I wish I was dead.. Her dark black hair, glittlers like gold, Oh how I have to be so bold.. I always smile when I see her face, I want more than just second base... She can hurt me and mend me and sew me together, I wish to be with her forever...[/center]
The glitering eyes of such kindness, could cure anyone of any kind of blindness... The crackling smile of one so divine, always conjuring up a line.. Her beautiful reverberating voice resonates throughout my head, never do I wish I was dead.. Her dark black hair, glittlers like gold, Oh how I have to be so bold.. I always smile when I see her face, I want more than just second base... She can hurt me and mend me and sew me together, I wish to be with her forever...[/center]