Report, edit, etc...Posted by Dada on 2006-04-14 at 14:28:41
[center]The Girl!
The one and only girl
Living in my wonderful world
Living in my wonderful world
Whenever I see her face
It makes my heart race
with passion and love.
But woe is me
I can not talk to the girl
The girl of my dreams
The ine ture girl
It makes me cry
It makes me wonder why
Why I was put on this planet.
Am I here to love?
Am I here to be loved?
or is it hate?
I dearly love this girl
I don't know what to do
Should I ask
or should I not
My heart says yes
but my gut says no
She is a wonderful girl
Living in the world I know
Whenever I see her face
It makes my heart race
With passion and love.[/center]
I don't really think this a relly good poem, but its what I feel about a girl and the poem came from the bottom of my heart.
The one and only girl
Living in my wonderful world
Living in my wonderful world
Whenever I see her face
It makes my heart race
with passion and love.
But woe is me
I can not talk to the girl
The girl of my dreams
The ine ture girl
It makes me cry
It makes me wonder why
Why I was put on this planet.
Am I here to love?
Am I here to be loved?
or is it hate?
I dearly love this girl
I don't know what to do
Should I ask
or should I not
My heart says yes
but my gut says no
She is a wonderful girl
Living in the world I know
Whenever I see her face
It makes my heart race
With passion and love.[/center]
I don't really think this a relly good poem, but its what I feel about a girl and the poem came from the bottom of my heart.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Felagund on 2006-04-14 at 16:53:50
Yeah, you're in love. That's apparent in your incoherent happiness. 
Have you ever ridden a ride called "The Whiplash?" This poem felt like that. For example,
Whenever you read it, you kind of expect the phrase to end with the first two lines, and then the third pops up and catches you off guard. I felt like I was being jerked around.
While no one is going to pretend this is a work of art, and while I'm fairly certain you didn't attempt to make it that way, it is interesting in its own way. However, if you wish to delve into the world of poetry, there are a few places you can test your hand at. Try free verse, which doesn't really have any rhyming at all, and the lines and stanzas are as varied as you wish them to be (hence free verse), and then there are tons of rhyming forms you can use. Free verse is probably the most common because a serious rhyming form is difficult to achieve. Most rhymes sound silly or inane - that's why I think most poets stick with free verse.
Allow me to welcome you to the SEN literature forum.
Have you ever ridden a ride called "The Whiplash?" This poem felt like that. For example,
QUOTE
Whenever I see her face
It makes my heart race
with passion and love.
It makes my heart race
with passion and love.
Whenever you read it, you kind of expect the phrase to end with the first two lines, and then the third pops up and catches you off guard. I felt like I was being jerked around.
While no one is going to pretend this is a work of art, and while I'm fairly certain you didn't attempt to make it that way, it is interesting in its own way. However, if you wish to delve into the world of poetry, there are a few places you can test your hand at. Try free verse, which doesn't really have any rhyming at all, and the lines and stanzas are as varied as you wish them to be (hence free verse), and then there are tons of rhyming forms you can use. Free verse is probably the most common because a serious rhyming form is difficult to achieve. Most rhymes sound silly or inane - that's why I think most poets stick with free verse.
Allow me to welcome you to the SEN literature forum.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-04-15 at 02:03:01
I applaud to your feedbacks, felagund; this one and recent ones.
As a poem, I give you a 3/10.
I could understand if you were using free verses, but the poem seemed to have trouble figuring out if it wanted to free verse or rhyme.
If it was free versing, the (rough) rhyming seems to break its style. If it was rhyming, then the lack of uniform, rhythm, and the rhymes themselves.
As a form of expression, I give you a 8/10.
You feel deeply for this girl and you expressed it with all your heart. Though it sounds like you're somewhere about the adolesence age, the fact that you have such passion for anything, anyone, is worth respecting. Some may blow it off as "puppy love" or "kid stuff", but I feel that to you, the feeling is probably stronger than anything someone could ever say about it.
What it means to you is at magnitudes at unimaginable heights compared to that of others.
As felagund had suggested, reform it into a poem with a style. The style doesn't have to be traditional or typical, but it should at least be recognizeable by you and your audience (even if the audience is but a piece of paper or a few binary numbers on a computer).
Keep up the good work
Stay your fashion
With all peace and love
Rise with passion!
As a poem, I give you a 3/10.
I could understand if you were using free verses, but the poem seemed to have trouble figuring out if it wanted to free verse or rhyme.
If it was free versing, the (rough) rhyming seems to break its style. If it was rhyming, then the lack of uniform, rhythm, and the rhymes themselves.
As a form of expression, I give you a 8/10.
You feel deeply for this girl and you expressed it with all your heart. Though it sounds like you're somewhere about the adolesence age, the fact that you have such passion for anything, anyone, is worth respecting. Some may blow it off as "puppy love" or "kid stuff", but I feel that to you, the feeling is probably stronger than anything someone could ever say about it.
What it means to you is at magnitudes at unimaginable heights compared to that of others.
As felagund had suggested, reform it into a poem with a style. The style doesn't have to be traditional or typical, but it should at least be recognizeable by you and your audience (even if the audience is but a piece of paper or a few binary numbers on a computer).
Keep up the good work
Stay your fashion
With all peace and love
Rise with passion!
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Lyon on 2006-04-15 at 02:07:28
So Dada. you gonna go ask that girl out now, you've been talking about it for quite some time :
: lol
: lol