Staredit Network

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shiz from anybody. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists. Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage. Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting. Chuck Norris eats sheet metal for breakfast and will poop out a brand new car by lunch. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." Chuck Norris' wang is so big, it has it's own wang, and that wang is still bigger than yours. Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000. When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb. Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage. When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska. "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken. There is in fact an I in Norris, but there is no team not even close. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror. Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples. Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second. Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women. On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day. Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child. When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon. Chuck Norris can dribble a football. Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years. There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself. Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off. Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit. In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character. When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.

I can send Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick up his ass without severing his leg.
Also, Chuck Norris can lick mah balls 1337 times and still not be done with them.

After hearing this, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks your face to the floor, and pisses in your mouth.

I have one thing to say...

………………………………..__…………………………………………
………………………..,-~*’`¯lllllll`*~,……………………………………
…………………..,-~*`lllllllllllllllllllllllllll¯`*-,………………………………
………………,-~*llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll*-,…………………………….
……………,-*llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.\……………………………
………….;*`lllllllllllllllllllllllllll,-~*~-,llllllllllllllllllll\…………………………..
…………..\lllllllllllllllllllllllllll/………\;;;;llllllllllll,-`~-,………………………
…………...\lllllllllllllllllllll,-*………..`~-~-,…(.(¯`*,`,……………………..
…………….\llllllllllll,-~*…………………)_-\..*`*;..)…………………….
……………..\,-*`¯,*`)…………,-~*`~.………….../……………………..
……………...|/.../…/~,…...-~*,-~*`;……………./.\……………………..
……………../.../…/…/..,-,..*~,.`*~*…………….*...\……………………
…………….|.../…/…/.*`...\...……………………)….)¯`~,……………...
…………….|./…/…./…….)……,.)`*~-,……….../….|..)…`~-,………….
……………/./.../…,*`-,…..`-,…*`….,---…...\…./…../..|……...¯```*~-,,,,
…………...(……….)`*~-,….`*`.,-~*.,-*……|…/.…/…/…………\……..
…………….*-,…….`*-,...`~,..``.,,,-*……….|.,*...,*…|…………..\……..
……………….*,………`-,…)-,…………..,-*`...,-*….(`-,…………\…….
……................f`-,………`-,/…*-,___,,-~*….,-*……|…`-,……….\……..

Chuck Norris applauds your aphaling work, but destroys it with a quick roundhouse kick. Then laughs at you for the effort.

The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal.. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the fark out.

Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.”

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

You had to get me started.

Anti Chuck Jokes

Cropcircles are Chuck Norris' way of telling corn that sometimes it needs to LIE THE FARK DOWN.

0 score is average. Chuck != average

Chuck Norris has his own emoticon. Too bad he's never cried.

I HAVE AN ANTI CHUCK NORRIS JOKE LOL GUYS I MADE IT MYSELF!!!!!
CHUCK NORRIS IS STUPID!!!

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.



When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.

Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.

Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Am I the only one who thinks Chuck Norris jokes need to STOP already? Anyone else think it's old?

It's not as funny when he reads them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGEoe8pMF3Y...%20Danza%20Show

Yeah, that too.

wow......here's another for ya chuck haters
Chuck Norris can't read if his life depended on it.

what the hell is that?

chuck norris went to the virgin islands, when he left it was "the islands"

it's obviously a cow trying to eat the moon

It's a guy with his hand on his face. Duh

remembered another one:

in an averege room there are about 1000 objects with what Chuck Norris can kill you, including the room itself

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart. Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

^ crushed by chuck norris's wang damnit!

It gets boring, but the new jokes are always funny. No contribution from me here .

Id just like to point out that Arnold Schwarzeneger could snap Chuck Norris' neck like a defenseless little kitten.

And this site is funnier than the actual Chuck Norris facts.
http://www.pointsincase.com/anti_chuck_facts.htm

I killed Chuck Norris.