Report, edit, etc...Posted by Corbo(MM) on 2006-05-16 at 18:51:40
Ok I just feel inspired so, I decided to write and I did but i just felt like posting it here so here it goes
(I'm gonna write metaphorically)
And the bullet, was more than a bullet
Him, betrayed by his best friend, betrayed by every single human that sorrounded him, ignored by the person He loved. And I'm not saying that kind of ignorance as the time I write this after all, You cannot trust humans at all.
Him, who had a best friend and by the time he realised He had already lost it, She left on a saturday dusk. She didn't even say good bye to him but, that didn't matter at all. It was the new person that He dared to say He loved that brought him to this.
That person realised that He liked her, for a moment She didn't know what to say and time passed and She didn't say a word to him, She would feel uncomfortable and She didn't say a word to him.
If You ask me, they could have been a great couple if only she would have opened her mouth. Yes, She didn't say a word to him, He thought they were friends but, She didn't speak to him in fact She was ignoring him every single chance She had he pushed him backwards and left him to speak with another person, Usually You could see her telling him, "We'll speak later", sometimes he waited hours until She realised how She had ignored him but sometimes He waited months.
By the time He asked why She was that way with him he already liked so much that her words were senseless to him He didn't want to get it, She didn't care about him, not even a cumin seed.
Once He had given her a bullet, in her hands, She lost it. The bullet was more than a bullet for him, it was a synonym of friendship, He liked her but in an odd way, He didn't want a couple, He just wanted a friend. When a person cares a bit about the other one the common sense and logic tells us to keep those things, it can be from a whole page of a love letter to a single seed and of course including a bullet, ironically She lost it.
He realised She was pushing him again because she felt uncomfortable about his feelings Once He told her that, He explained He only liked to be friends but She kept doing the same thing.
He lost his desire of living, by the time He was once speaking to her, She was saying that He only cared about himself, it was him, him, him and no one else.
That really hurt him, He could have given moons, stars and even the sun for her, He even sacrificed himself for her, in simple things but it was a huge sacrifice for him.
He mentioned that She liked his best friend, And thet her best friend liked his best friend to, so both liked his best friend and his best friend already had a girlfriend, which to his opinion he did not loved at all!
He once even changed his girlfriend just to talk with Her.
He knew He liked her, and He did not care a bit, He just kept giving her more ideas that She could be with him, He was betrayed by his best friend.
They don't speak to each other anymore, all He has now it's bad feelings, wrong thoughts and a twisted mind. If You ask me it's very sad to see that, they looked like so much best friends, but no one knew about their problems.
They say that he has a .22mm in his house, and I believe it after all he is a national shooter in his country shooting federation, he's a national atlethe, he's so smart but he has lost his will of living, the gun became his best friend, no He did not have suicide feelings all He wanted it was to return something.
I will give You that bullet after all, For me, that bullet is more than a bullet. It's a synonym of friendship, it is the thing I like the best and the best things share them with the rest, and I wanted to share it with You, Yes the bullet was more than a bullet, and I promise that when I forgive You for all the things You've done to me I'll give you another bullet.
This time You will feel pain, You will be dressed on red color, Yes this time it will hurt more.
Because this time the bullet will not be in your hands, It will be in your heart....
Ok I Hope you have read it And if You didn't it's okay after all it's just a bunch of letters but I just wanted to write it, so, read it if You'd like and if You do, post here comments
(I'm gonna write metaphorically)
And the bullet, was more than a bullet
Him, betrayed by his best friend, betrayed by every single human that sorrounded him, ignored by the person He loved. And I'm not saying that kind of ignorance as the time I write this after all, You cannot trust humans at all.
Him, who had a best friend and by the time he realised He had already lost it, She left on a saturday dusk. She didn't even say good bye to him but, that didn't matter at all. It was the new person that He dared to say He loved that brought him to this.
That person realised that He liked her, for a moment She didn't know what to say and time passed and She didn't say a word to him, She would feel uncomfortable and She didn't say a word to him.
If You ask me, they could have been a great couple if only she would have opened her mouth. Yes, She didn't say a word to him, He thought they were friends but, She didn't speak to him in fact She was ignoring him every single chance She had he pushed him backwards and left him to speak with another person, Usually You could see her telling him, "We'll speak later", sometimes he waited hours until She realised how She had ignored him but sometimes He waited months.
By the time He asked why She was that way with him he already liked so much that her words were senseless to him He didn't want to get it, She didn't care about him, not even a cumin seed.
Once He had given her a bullet, in her hands, She lost it. The bullet was more than a bullet for him, it was a synonym of friendship, He liked her but in an odd way, He didn't want a couple, He just wanted a friend. When a person cares a bit about the other one the common sense and logic tells us to keep those things, it can be from a whole page of a love letter to a single seed and of course including a bullet, ironically She lost it.
He realised She was pushing him again because she felt uncomfortable about his feelings Once He told her that, He explained He only liked to be friends but She kept doing the same thing.
He lost his desire of living, by the time He was once speaking to her, She was saying that He only cared about himself, it was him, him, him and no one else.
That really hurt him, He could have given moons, stars and even the sun for her, He even sacrificed himself for her, in simple things but it was a huge sacrifice for him.
He mentioned that She liked his best friend, And thet her best friend liked his best friend to, so both liked his best friend and his best friend already had a girlfriend, which to his opinion he did not loved at all!
He once even changed his girlfriend just to talk with Her.
He knew He liked her, and He did not care a bit, He just kept giving her more ideas that She could be with him, He was betrayed by his best friend.
They don't speak to each other anymore, all He has now it's bad feelings, wrong thoughts and a twisted mind. If You ask me it's very sad to see that, they looked like so much best friends, but no one knew about their problems.
They say that he has a .22mm in his house, and I believe it after all he is a national shooter in his country shooting federation, he's a national atlethe, he's so smart but he has lost his will of living, the gun became his best friend, no He did not have suicide feelings all He wanted it was to return something.
I will give You that bullet after all, For me, that bullet is more than a bullet. It's a synonym of friendship, it is the thing I like the best and the best things share them with the rest, and I wanted to share it with You, Yes the bullet was more than a bullet, and I promise that when I forgive You for all the things You've done to me I'll give you another bullet.
This time You will feel pain, You will be dressed on red color, Yes this time it will hurt more.
Because this time the bullet will not be in your hands, It will be in your heart....
Ok I Hope you have read it And if You didn't it's okay after all it's just a bunch of letters but I just wanted to write it, so, read it if You'd like and if You do, post here comments
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-05-17 at 01:55:52
I like the idea of the writing and what it presents, but not how it's presented. Sometimes you describe things separately when they can be described all together. That forces the reader to jump back and forth. Sometimes it's just repeated unnecessarily.
There are some punctuation and grammar, but those are besides-the-point. Those you can always learn later and polish up this piece of writing.
4/10**
I took off 2 points for each (showing how poorly it was): grammar, structure, detail (why a bullet? Do you go hunting?).
Though that's not too bad, basically all you need is polishing and those points could be made up.
Good luck, keep writing.
fm47~
There are some punctuation and grammar, but those are besides-the-point. Those you can always learn later and polish up this piece of writing.
4/10**
I took off 2 points for each (showing how poorly it was): grammar, structure, detail (why a bullet? Do you go hunting?).
Though that's not too bad, basically all you need is polishing and those points could be made up.
Good luck, keep writing.
fm47~
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Corbo(MM) on 2006-05-18 at 21:51:58
Well.
Sorry for the bad grammar, but I'm still learning english, spanish is my first language and Hmm...a bullet because I'm actually part of the Shooting federation Here in El salvador
Sorry for the bad grammar, but I'm still learning english, spanish is my first language and Hmm...a bullet because I'm actually part of the Shooting federation Here in El salvador
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Falcon_A on 2006-05-19 at 21:53:20
I actually liked it.
And I thought the bullet idea was very clever, and how he'd give it back (in another way of course ;P )
The only thing I really didn't like was the use of the words 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.
They sorta give me this like...highschool he-said she-said type of bullshiz politics that seems so immature. Personally, to maintain the atmosphere of the story, I would have used something like....lovers, or couple, or something like that.
Still pretty nice. Short and sweet
And I thought the bullet idea was very clever, and how he'd give it back (in another way of course ;P )
The only thing I really didn't like was the use of the words 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.
They sorta give me this like...highschool he-said she-said type of bullshiz politics that seems so immature. Personally, to maintain the atmosphere of the story, I would have used something like....lovers, or couple, or something like that.
Still pretty nice. Short and sweet