Report, edit, etc...Posted by SunMoon_Emperor on 2006-05-27 at 14:01:05
Just tell me what you think of what I've written:
MOONMOVER by Alex Paul
Chapter 1, the Rise and Fall of Nations
The Hall of Saur was a massive building. Its one room could hold nearly three-hundred people. Now, just over two-hundred filled the circular tiers of chairs that lined the gray walls. They came from all different walks of life; some were poor and some were wealthy. Some lived permanently nearby in the city of Sauria-Prime, and some were nomadic hunters or traders. They were male and female, big and small, young and old. The only thing they had in common, other than the simple fact of being at the Hall of Saur, was that none of them were human. They were Saurians, the dinosaur people.
Two Saurians stood in the middle of the room. One was old, with flaky scales. Her lack of a neck-frill indicated that she was female. Her name was Sharpeye.
The other Saurian, who's large, vieny mane indicated that he was male, was not as big as Sharpeye. He was, however, clearly in the prime of his life, with good posture, highly visible musculature, and shiny scales. His name was Bigclaw.
Sharpeye looked around at the reptilian faces surrounding her. Bigclaw must have let them know about this, she realized, but why should they be here? A crowd this big would only gather if there was something that every Saurian should know about, like, then she understood Bigclaw's intentions, if an Alpha like Bigclaw were going to challenge me to single combat to overthrow me as Alpha-Prime. She remembered the numerous times he had questioned here strength and doubted her honor. He may have been planning this for a long time.
Bigclaw smelled worry pouring from Sharpeye; it was like a perfume about her. She knows my intentions now, Bigclaw thought, and she fears that I will succeed. There is no reason for me to be dishonest now. "Sssharpeye, Alpha-Prime," Bigclaw began, "do you understand why I have requessstced your presssenssse here?"
Sharpeye responded accurately, "You are going to challenge me to single combat. You want to overthrow me as Alpha-Prime." Hissing and chirping erupted from the viewers.
"Do you know why?" asked Bigclaw.
"Becaussse you do notc believe I am a ssstcrong leader. You think you could do better," said Sharpeye.
"Becaussse you are weak, and unable to comprehend the threat posed to our nation by the Omnik Empire," said Bigclaw.
"You don’t like that I would ask the Central Kingdom for help?" said Sharpeye.
"I do notc. The Omnik will attack, and when they do, would you really prefer to have humansss defending Sssauria?" said Bigclaw.
"The Kingdomersss are part of thisss, wether you like itc, I like itc, or they like itc. If the Omnik Empire invadesss Sssauria, the Central Kingdom will be caught in the crossfire. We are to their north, and the enemy is to their sssouth. Tco exclude them from our ssstrategiesss would be ridiculous," said Sharpeye.
"'Wether they like itc?'," Bigclaw mused, "You mean to sssay itc'sss their desssisssion?"
"I said no sssuch thing," said Sharpeye.
"Yet you allow them tco attend your ssstatcegy meetings," Bigclaw accused her.
"Yesss," said Sharpeye, who was beginning to feel as if she were on trial.
"Why?" asked Bigclaw.
"Becaussse the ssstcatcegiesss concern them!" said Sharpeye.
"Then they want to attend?" Bigclaw suggested.
"Yes!" said Sharpeye.
"You are taking their orders now, then, Alpha-Prime? Perhaps you no longer ssserve Sssauria; perhaps you ssserve the Central Kingdom’s king now. Perhaps you are taking ordersss from their necromancers!" Bigclaw accused Sharpeye.
"You think I am thatc weak?" asked Sharpeye.
"If you are notc, then prove itc tco me!" challenged Bigclaw, unsheathing his retractable hand-claws.
Bigclaw launched himself like a massive, scaly lion at Sharpeye, taloned hands grasping for the Alpha-Primes neck. Sharpeye, caught off her guard, barely managed hop out of the way, unsheathing her own claws on the fly. Off-balance because of his self-confident leap, Bigclaw found himself immediately injured when Sharpeye turned and lodged her teeth in to his long, prostrate tail.
More hissing, chirping, and now bloodthirsty roars blasted from all sides as the visitors chimed their support for either canadate or, for some, disappointment that the dual was happening at all.
Bigclaw, true to his name, grabbed at Sharpeye's head and pulled it off of his tail with his powerful talons. Still with his victim in his grasp, Bigclaw bit Sharpeye's neck. The Alpha-Prime struggled under pressure, but that only caused the younger Saurian to sink his teeth deeper. Sharpeye fell to the floor. Some Saurians cheered at the entertainment, because they were not very politically inclined and would no be effected by this change of leadership. Others, members of the Bigclaw Clan, leaped straight up, howling and chirping in excitement at their master's victory. Still others, members of neither house but still high-ranking, discussed verbally with each other the consequences of this event as they left.
A disturbingly large number, members of the Sharpeye Clan, hung their heads and whistled in fear.
"Lunop, where have you been?"
Lunop Goca stood in the doorway in front of her uncle, hanging her head low.
"Lunop, look at me!" ordered Sike. The girl tilted her face up, but her brown eyes darted about the room, looking at everything but his face. "Where were you?" Sike, her uncle, insisted.
Lunop managed a vague whisper of a, "Nowhere."
"That's a lie." Sike deduced, "You were at that club again, weren't you?" Lunop said nothing, and her uncle continued, "Weren't you?"
Lunop spluttered out her monosyllable of a response as if it were the scientific name of some obscure protozoa, "Yac-Ya-Yas. Yes." She made a conscious effort to cry, hoping that tears would make her uncle have some mercy on her, but her eyes proved disappointingly dry.
Sike was yelling now, but not especially loudly, "What did I tell you? Didn't I say not to go back there? Didn't I?" He slapped her hard across the cheek. "Didn't I?"
Now Lunop was crying and choking on her own useless words "I-I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Just go up to your room," said Sike, softer now.
Lunop sulked into the Goca house, around her uncle and across the living room/dining room/kitchen/Lunop's young brother, Biblin's, bedroom. She sulked up the steep stairs at the top of which Biblin, seven years old, skinny, and blonde, sat wide-eyed and said, "Ooo, you're in trouble."
"What tipped you off?" asked Lunop, but did not wait for an answer, instead immediately entering her bedroom/her sister, Yoma's, bedroom.
Formerly a loft, the bedroom's ceiling slanted downward with the roof of the house. Dust-speckled sunlight filtered through the widow on the far side of the room to reveal a Victorian-style nightstand flanked on the left and right with straw-mattress beds, both without blankets. One of these beds sat Yoma, in all her sweet-little-ten-year-old-girl glory.
"Hi," said Yoma, "How're you?"
"Sick," replied Lunop, "Get away, I'm contagious."
Yoma may or may not have believed this lie, but she complied anyway. Lunop sat upright in her bed for a moment before finally deciding to lie down and rest.
Three hours later, Sike entered the room and sat on the edge of Lunop's bed. "Lunop," he said, "I'm sorry for lashing out at you like that, but I had a really bad day today and that was the last straw. And how many times did I tell you to stay away from that place? Lunop, are you awake?" She was, but she pretended not to be and her uncle was fooled. "Well, goodnight Lunop," he said, standing up, and walking out of the room. He began to softly close the door, but at the last possible moment Yoma rushed through it and jumped onto her own bed.
"I wanna bed-time story," she demanded.
"Yoma," Sike explained, "it's late, Lunop is already asleep..." Lunop's head twitched when here name was mentioned, but not so much that it could not be normal moving about in her sleep.
"I won't go asleep if you don't," the younger girl insisted, "I'll stay up aaalll night!"
Sike sighed. He was obviously tired, but he went along with the scheme. "Okay," he said, "what do you want to hear? The one with the bear?"
"No!" squealed Yoma with childish glee, "Tell me, um, tell me the one about the emperor."
Sike rolled his eyes, "All right," he said, "The emperor."
Lunop had never liked that story was sure that she never would. It did not have a happy beginning or a happy middle. People said that it had a happy ending, but Lunop sincerely disagreed.
"'Bout three hundred years ago," Sike began, "the Central Kingdom was split up into a bunch of different little city-states. Now one of these city-states was ruled by a man named...well his name escapes me, but that's not the point. He wasn't satisfied with his little town near the edge of the kingdom, he wanted more. One day he met a witch and told him about his goals for conquest. She made a deal with him: she would use here powers to make a magical septor that would give the man incredible abilities. In return, once the man had created his empire, he would give her a seat of power over some large city. Well, the witch built this septor and called it the SunMoon Staff (because it drew its power from the sun and the moon) and gave it to the man. The man gathered up his small army and marched them up to the nearest city that wasn't under his control. When the army of this other city tried to stop him, he simply rose his staff in the air and said, 'You cannot stop me!' and the enemies were simply flung up into the air and tossed away like rag dolls.
Once he had taken the city, he made the witch its lady mayor and moved on to conquer the rest of the Central Kingdom. After three years, he had conquered this entire continent. He crowned himself the SunMoon Emperor. But you see, people who deal with witches always lose something important. In this case, the SunMoon Emperor lost the one thing that he couldn't bear to lose."
Yoma, now wide eyed and attentive, asked “What did he lose?” even though she knew this story well and was fully aware of what the emperor had lost.
"His own mind," replied Sike with great, dark drama, "He was completely consumed by his won greed. He wanted to control everything! But when he finally did, when he had conquered the whole world, he could not expand any more and he went insane. He began to see plotting against him everywhere; he began to destroy entire countries just because one citizen made fun of him. He became what we would call evil.
A mortal body can only hold so much power for so long, however, and eventually the emperor began to weaken and a Central Kingdomer named Rolfe saw and opportunity to free the world of his evil reign."
Lunop knew what was coming, and she did not like it. This story always reminded her of things that she would rather forget.
Sike continued. "He gathered up a band of rebels and made a pact with an underground group called the Order of Sorcery."
Lunop remembered a moment that had taken place years before. Lunop, seven years old, was sitting on the living room floor. She watched her mother Ain sit in a hard, wooden chair and knit. Lunop followed her mother's fingers and needles attentively and saw a blanket begin to form as if by magic.
"Rolfe, the rebels, and the sorcerers started a riot in the Capital City. Sheer numbers allowed the rioters to overpower the emperor's men and storm his palace."
It was dark outside and raining. Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled. Lunop wished the weather would improve so she could go outdoors and play. Unexpectedly there came a knock on the door. Lunop was confused. Why would anyone visit in this terrible weather? Ain and Karr, Lunop's father who had been looking attentively out a window, however, nervously glanced at each other.
"Rolfe killed the emperor."
Ain got up and began to climb the stairs, calling to Lunop to follow her. Lunop, however, just sat and stared at the door. Her father opened the door. A balding sorcerer dressed in traditional red and blue robes, stood at the door. On both of his cheeks were two identical tattoos of three yellow stars arranged in a triangle.
"Rolfe and the sorcerers defeated the evil emperor, and under their rule the Central Kingdom's had peace and prosperity for two-hundred years."
"Karr Goca of Kablakhul, do you know why I am here?" asked the sorcerer gravely.
"You are here," answered Karr, "because you and the others like you won't accept the truth."
Lunop had very little idea of what was happening, but she sensed--from her father's words and clenched fists, and the simple fact of the presence of a scary-looking man--that it was something worth being upset about. So she cried.
Suddenly, Lunop realized that she was asleep.
"What is the truth and what is true is for the Order to decide, not you," said the sorcerer. He held out his right hand, palm open. It developed, almost imperceptibly, a purplish aura around it. In seconds, the color disappeared, along with Karr and the sorcerer.
ADDITION:
Here's chapter II:
Chapter 2, Hidden Plots
A ruddy, red light grew on all sides of the midnight black horizon. The wind seemed to blow in all directions at once, tossing her long black hair all about her head, stinging her eyes, knocking her own dress at her legs like whips, and making a deafening sound. Lunop could hardly move in the strong, chaotic blustering, so she could look in only one direction. To her left was a crumbling castle, whose towers even now were collapsing and crashing silently into charred soil. To her right was a scorched tree with--Lunop's breath caught when she realized it--a burnt-black human corpse hanging grotesquely from its bare branches.
Directly in front of her, some twenty feet away, was a great stone circle surrounded by four smooth pylons. Floating between these pylons was a feminine figure dressed all in black, her back turned to Lunop. Then the stone ring itself began to glow with a magical, purple light.
Above Lunop's head, the moon hung dominatingly in the sky. The gray stone, all craters and marias clearly exposed, stretched nearly across the whole sky. As the circle lit up, cracks and red lava veins spread across its surface as if the whole thing were being torn to pieces by some incredible, invisible nutcracker. Lunop managed to turn her head to find in horror that the same thing was happening to the earth upon which she stood. Then suddenly, a large chunk of moon broke off and became a blazing meteor as it plummeted down to Earth.
More falling moon-stones followed, of all sizes, all catching fire in the swirling atmosphere. Lunop tried to shout at the ebon-clad figure, but her voice fell away quickly and uselessly to the mad torrent of winds.
That had been a dream, and now Lunop awoke. She had been writhing in her sleep, apparently, as her blankets were disorganized; they were bunched into small hill-shapes at places, and tossed away at others. She looked down at herself and saw her small, sweaty body clad in a nightgown. Had she been wearing a nightgown? No. Now she remembered that she had gone to sleep in her day clothes and, in addition, her bed had no blankets.
This room was not her own either. Made of stone, the space was windowless and without the characteristic slanted ceiling of her loft. It was lit by three dimly glowing orbs at the floor of each of the room's four corners. She lolled her head over to the left. There was, indeed, a second identical bed there, but the woman in it was twice the size of Yoma. The head, with bandages over the eyes, had young wrinkles across it, and the woman could not be less than thirty years old and probably more. Lunop rolled her head all the way to her right. A young man in chain mail armor stood by her bed, staring expressionlessly at the door. Lunop shivered with a sudden convulsion of fright. "Who are you?" she demanded, "What is this?"
The young man did not look at her, but said in a flat tone, "To you first question, I am Karaken Serra of Capital City; I am you guard and a member of the Ku-Zishu. To the second, this is the forty-fourth day of the spring of the two-hundred and ninety-ninth year after the fall of the emperor, in your temporary quarters in Capital City, as you and your companion, Silliconaria Silistia of Dragon Mountain Village, await trial."
"Trial?" Lunop sat upright and said shockedly, "Trial for what?"
"I do not know,” Karaken Sera's blank expression did not change, "And it is not my concern. I am your guard, and that is enough."
Lunop scrutinized the young man and asked, "By 'guard,' do you mean that you are supposed to protect me, or keep me from leaving?"
"Both," Sera responded, as if that answered all other questions Lunop might have had.
Lunop held her head with one hand, "How drunk did I get last night?" she asked.
"Not at all, to my knowledge; you were confined to these quarters all day."
"It was a rhetorical question, and--wait. All day?"
“Yes ma’am,” returned Sera, “You were taken from Uze to Capital City two days ago. For most of that time, including the whole of yesterday, you have been confined to these quarters. You recall none of this?”
By this point, Lunop was very confused. “Er, no. I don’t remember any of that.” She held her forehead.
Sera said nothing.
Lunop spotted a doorway with no door in it, leading to a small bathroom. "Can the prisoner go to the bathroom, at least?" asked Lunop.
"Yes," said Karaken Serra. That was all he said, flatly.
Lunop got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. There was no door. There was, however, a porcelain sink and a hairbrush, so Lunop pretended she had just wanted to brush her hair. (While still desperately needing to relieve herself) Somehow, though, she did not recognize the face in the mirror above the sink.
She was, like nearly everybody in the Central Kingdom, Caucasian, but she was pale even so. She had long, straight, raven-black hair that hung down just past her shoulders, hair she now brushed. Her nose was crooked, as if it had been broken sometime in the past. It was her own blue eyes that shocked her; they were not a natural blue of just the iris, but all a milky azure haze of pupil, iris, and corona. This must be her face, but it seemed unfamiliar.
"So when is this trial?" she called across the room, still with her hand working the brush up and down her hair.
"In four hours," Sera told her.
"Well how will we know? There's no clocks, no windows in here."
"I am Ku-Zishu. Our bodies are trained for time-keeping."
Lunop walked back through the empty doorway into the main room. "And what, exactly, is a Ku-Zishu?" she asked.
Sera was still staring blankly at the door, "We are warriors trained for the utmost control of our bodies a mortal can achieve. We have served as peacekeepers for the rulers of the Central Kingdom since before the Era of SunMoon, when our order was founded by Buildan Zishu. For now, we are loyal to the Rolfe dynasty and the Order of Sorcery."
Lunop got back in bed and tried to sleep, but the alien guard at her bedside made her uncomfortable, and even if that had not been so, her mind was filled with questions and speculations. She tried to recall, with her eyes closed, what had happened the previous two days, or why she could not remember. Though many speculations--from her bumping her head on some thing to being brainwashed to having the worst hangover in the history of the world. None of them seemed probable, however.
“So why are we here, exactly?” asked Senator Moro, “You mentioned something about the Northern Realms?”
Wasp Moro was going to object to her proposal, Damus knew. “Moralistic” “idealistic” and “good” were all words commonly used to describe him. But he was a member of the Redcastle Party, so it had seemed only right to invite him to her conference.
Danes and Moro sat at a long, rectangular table furnished elegantly with a tablecloth, candles, and a great golden centerpiece in the shape of a spherical map of the world. They were in Micros Danes’s private estate; a three mile expanse of greenery on the edge of Omnikar City. In the middle was a tall hill with Danes’s mansion atop it. The whole plot perfectly befitted an Omnik senator. That mansion was where the thirteen assembled senators were now: in the dining room.
“Of course,” said Danes, “before I go before the senate with this, I wanted to make absolutely sure whether or not my own party would either back me up. Yellow is the primary color of the Omnik flag, correct?”
Not seeing how the design of their national flag involved the Northern Realms, the now confused senators nodded in agreement. There was an Omnik flag hanging on the wall behind where Danes sat at the end of the table. It was the yellow of gold and prosperity with a red circle in the middle symbolizing the heart of Imperial civilization, Omnikar. On each of the four corners was gray, symbolizing the barbarity of lands that had not been shown the Omniks’ golden light, but acknowledging their presence anyway.
“So, keeping that in mind, what can we conclude the artist-cartographer who designed this globe was thinking of at the time?” Danes continued, lifting the golden centerpiece in one hand.
A fat, elderly senator named Took Fog suggested, “He was thinking, ‘I better do this well, because Danes is pulling taxpayers’ money out of her butt to pay for it.’”
This statement was received with chuckles from a few of the guests. Danes did not appear amused, however. “Actually, it was an heirloom from my great grandfather,” she explained. The short bout of laughter stopped. “The artist-cartographer was clearly thinking optimistically. He saw our world, Pharth, united under the Omnik gold. He knew, as every Omnik has known since our nation’s manifest destiny became apparent, that this was our destiny: to restore the order lost with the SunMoon Emperor’s destruction of the Unity, to restore the old Unity beneath our golden emblem, and to bring glory to our great empire! Our great people!” She finished her speech with a great flurry, as if at that moment, she was prepared to do war with anyone who would deny her nation of the destiny she spoke so fondly of.
“So what are you getting at?” asked Senator Fog with a sleepy expression on his face.
“What region has always denied our destiny? What four nations are the last to defy our power and deny the new Unity?”
The question was answered by Senator Moro: “The Northern Realms: Sauria, the Dragon Mountains, the Central Kingdom, and the Monkey Forest. They have not been conquered by the empire and we cannot even threaten them with boycotts or blockades like we did with Sandeya because they have the resources to be self-sufficient.”
“Correct,” agreed Danes, “but I have assurances that Yellowcastle Party would vote in favor of an invasion of the Northern Realms if a motion was put forward. Well, the Central Kingdom anyway. The other three would most certainly attack us to protect their ally, so we could then declare a pre-emptive strike against them. The Yellowcastles and we make up about two-thirds of the senate; the resolution would pass.”
A male senator and former admiral of the Omnik navy named Gaze Effigy asked: “What about the Monkey Forest? We have tried to invade the Realms before, but we failed. I do not have a problem with going to war, except that how can you move an army through a disease-ridden, foul-watered jungle full of hostiles and expect it to be in fighting condition when it gets to the other side?”
“It is simple, actually,” Danes explained, “You don’t move them through it, you move them over it.” She saw the puzzlement Effigy’s face and went on smugly, somewhat pleased that the senator might, after the meeting, think that she was at least a bit smarter than him. She continued: “The military has been secretly working for years on an invention that will revolutionize the face of modern warfare: the airship.”
“A ship?” exclaimed Effigy in confusion, “you mean like a flying battleship?”
“Well,” she said, “not so much a flying battleship as much as a big, flying bus with wings. Maybe even some guns attached if the dragons give us any trouble. Once our people have landed on that barbaric peninsula, the primitive and small civilization there would quickly surrender or be crushed.”
Moro stood up. “I object to this,” he stated, “The Northern Realms have not threatened us, and could hardly do so if they wanted. Your plan would be a waste of people and resources, and it might harm the good name of the Empire.”
Danes glared at him calmly. “Harm our name? Mr. Moro, they are harming our name at this moment, simply by being independent. What to our overseas territories think when nations that share our border are able to defy us so?”
The idea occurred to Danes that some lethal accident might help the pro-war senators get around this peace-loving man. Then she decided otherwise; his one vote would not be enough to sway the majority of the senate, and he did not have much influence with any other members. He could keep his distasteful opinion.
MOONMOVER by Alex Paul
Chapter 1, the Rise and Fall of Nations
The Hall of Saur was a massive building. Its one room could hold nearly three-hundred people. Now, just over two-hundred filled the circular tiers of chairs that lined the gray walls. They came from all different walks of life; some were poor and some were wealthy. Some lived permanently nearby in the city of Sauria-Prime, and some were nomadic hunters or traders. They were male and female, big and small, young and old. The only thing they had in common, other than the simple fact of being at the Hall of Saur, was that none of them were human. They were Saurians, the dinosaur people.
Two Saurians stood in the middle of the room. One was old, with flaky scales. Her lack of a neck-frill indicated that she was female. Her name was Sharpeye.
The other Saurian, who's large, vieny mane indicated that he was male, was not as big as Sharpeye. He was, however, clearly in the prime of his life, with good posture, highly visible musculature, and shiny scales. His name was Bigclaw.
Sharpeye looked around at the reptilian faces surrounding her. Bigclaw must have let them know about this, she realized, but why should they be here? A crowd this big would only gather if there was something that every Saurian should know about, like, then she understood Bigclaw's intentions, if an Alpha like Bigclaw were going to challenge me to single combat to overthrow me as Alpha-Prime. She remembered the numerous times he had questioned here strength and doubted her honor. He may have been planning this for a long time.
Bigclaw smelled worry pouring from Sharpeye; it was like a perfume about her. She knows my intentions now, Bigclaw thought, and she fears that I will succeed. There is no reason for me to be dishonest now. "Sssharpeye, Alpha-Prime," Bigclaw began, "do you understand why I have requessstced your presssenssse here?"
Sharpeye responded accurately, "You are going to challenge me to single combat. You want to overthrow me as Alpha-Prime." Hissing and chirping erupted from the viewers.
"Do you know why?" asked Bigclaw.
"Becaussse you do notc believe I am a ssstcrong leader. You think you could do better," said Sharpeye.
"Becaussse you are weak, and unable to comprehend the threat posed to our nation by the Omnik Empire," said Bigclaw.
"You don’t like that I would ask the Central Kingdom for help?" said Sharpeye.
"I do notc. The Omnik will attack, and when they do, would you really prefer to have humansss defending Sssauria?" said Bigclaw.
"The Kingdomersss are part of thisss, wether you like itc, I like itc, or they like itc. If the Omnik Empire invadesss Sssauria, the Central Kingdom will be caught in the crossfire. We are to their north, and the enemy is to their sssouth. Tco exclude them from our ssstrategiesss would be ridiculous," said Sharpeye.
"'Wether they like itc?'," Bigclaw mused, "You mean to sssay itc'sss their desssisssion?"
"I said no sssuch thing," said Sharpeye.
"Yet you allow them tco attend your ssstatcegy meetings," Bigclaw accused her.
"Yesss," said Sharpeye, who was beginning to feel as if she were on trial.
"Why?" asked Bigclaw.
"Becaussse the ssstcatcegiesss concern them!" said Sharpeye.
"Then they want to attend?" Bigclaw suggested.
"Yes!" said Sharpeye.
"You are taking their orders now, then, Alpha-Prime? Perhaps you no longer ssserve Sssauria; perhaps you ssserve the Central Kingdom’s king now. Perhaps you are taking ordersss from their necromancers!" Bigclaw accused Sharpeye.
"You think I am thatc weak?" asked Sharpeye.
"If you are notc, then prove itc tco me!" challenged Bigclaw, unsheathing his retractable hand-claws.
Bigclaw launched himself like a massive, scaly lion at Sharpeye, taloned hands grasping for the Alpha-Primes neck. Sharpeye, caught off her guard, barely managed hop out of the way, unsheathing her own claws on the fly. Off-balance because of his self-confident leap, Bigclaw found himself immediately injured when Sharpeye turned and lodged her teeth in to his long, prostrate tail.
More hissing, chirping, and now bloodthirsty roars blasted from all sides as the visitors chimed their support for either canadate or, for some, disappointment that the dual was happening at all.
Bigclaw, true to his name, grabbed at Sharpeye's head and pulled it off of his tail with his powerful talons. Still with his victim in his grasp, Bigclaw bit Sharpeye's neck. The Alpha-Prime struggled under pressure, but that only caused the younger Saurian to sink his teeth deeper. Sharpeye fell to the floor. Some Saurians cheered at the entertainment, because they were not very politically inclined and would no be effected by this change of leadership. Others, members of the Bigclaw Clan, leaped straight up, howling and chirping in excitement at their master's victory. Still others, members of neither house but still high-ranking, discussed verbally with each other the consequences of this event as they left.
A disturbingly large number, members of the Sharpeye Clan, hung their heads and whistled in fear.
"Lunop, where have you been?"
Lunop Goca stood in the doorway in front of her uncle, hanging her head low.
"Lunop, look at me!" ordered Sike. The girl tilted her face up, but her brown eyes darted about the room, looking at everything but his face. "Where were you?" Sike, her uncle, insisted.
Lunop managed a vague whisper of a, "Nowhere."
"That's a lie." Sike deduced, "You were at that club again, weren't you?" Lunop said nothing, and her uncle continued, "Weren't you?"
Lunop spluttered out her monosyllable of a response as if it were the scientific name of some obscure protozoa, "Yac-Ya-Yas. Yes." She made a conscious effort to cry, hoping that tears would make her uncle have some mercy on her, but her eyes proved disappointingly dry.
Sike was yelling now, but not especially loudly, "What did I tell you? Didn't I say not to go back there? Didn't I?" He slapped her hard across the cheek. "Didn't I?"
Now Lunop was crying and choking on her own useless words "I-I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Just go up to your room," said Sike, softer now.
Lunop sulked into the Goca house, around her uncle and across the living room/dining room/kitchen/Lunop's young brother, Biblin's, bedroom. She sulked up the steep stairs at the top of which Biblin, seven years old, skinny, and blonde, sat wide-eyed and said, "Ooo, you're in trouble."
"What tipped you off?" asked Lunop, but did not wait for an answer, instead immediately entering her bedroom/her sister, Yoma's, bedroom.
Formerly a loft, the bedroom's ceiling slanted downward with the roof of the house. Dust-speckled sunlight filtered through the widow on the far side of the room to reveal a Victorian-style nightstand flanked on the left and right with straw-mattress beds, both without blankets. One of these beds sat Yoma, in all her sweet-little-ten-year-old-girl glory.
"Hi," said Yoma, "How're you?"
"Sick," replied Lunop, "Get away, I'm contagious."
Yoma may or may not have believed this lie, but she complied anyway. Lunop sat upright in her bed for a moment before finally deciding to lie down and rest.
Three hours later, Sike entered the room and sat on the edge of Lunop's bed. "Lunop," he said, "I'm sorry for lashing out at you like that, but I had a really bad day today and that was the last straw. And how many times did I tell you to stay away from that place? Lunop, are you awake?" She was, but she pretended not to be and her uncle was fooled. "Well, goodnight Lunop," he said, standing up, and walking out of the room. He began to softly close the door, but at the last possible moment Yoma rushed through it and jumped onto her own bed.
"I wanna bed-time story," she demanded.
"Yoma," Sike explained, "it's late, Lunop is already asleep..." Lunop's head twitched when here name was mentioned, but not so much that it could not be normal moving about in her sleep.
"I won't go asleep if you don't," the younger girl insisted, "I'll stay up aaalll night!"
Sike sighed. He was obviously tired, but he went along with the scheme. "Okay," he said, "what do you want to hear? The one with the bear?"
"No!" squealed Yoma with childish glee, "Tell me, um, tell me the one about the emperor."
Sike rolled his eyes, "All right," he said, "The emperor."
Lunop had never liked that story was sure that she never would. It did not have a happy beginning or a happy middle. People said that it had a happy ending, but Lunop sincerely disagreed.
"'Bout three hundred years ago," Sike began, "the Central Kingdom was split up into a bunch of different little city-states. Now one of these city-states was ruled by a man named...well his name escapes me, but that's not the point. He wasn't satisfied with his little town near the edge of the kingdom, he wanted more. One day he met a witch and told him about his goals for conquest. She made a deal with him: she would use here powers to make a magical septor that would give the man incredible abilities. In return, once the man had created his empire, he would give her a seat of power over some large city. Well, the witch built this septor and called it the SunMoon Staff (because it drew its power from the sun and the moon) and gave it to the man. The man gathered up his small army and marched them up to the nearest city that wasn't under his control. When the army of this other city tried to stop him, he simply rose his staff in the air and said, 'You cannot stop me!' and the enemies were simply flung up into the air and tossed away like rag dolls.
Once he had taken the city, he made the witch its lady mayor and moved on to conquer the rest of the Central Kingdom. After three years, he had conquered this entire continent. He crowned himself the SunMoon Emperor. But you see, people who deal with witches always lose something important. In this case, the SunMoon Emperor lost the one thing that he couldn't bear to lose."
Yoma, now wide eyed and attentive, asked “What did he lose?” even though she knew this story well and was fully aware of what the emperor had lost.
"His own mind," replied Sike with great, dark drama, "He was completely consumed by his won greed. He wanted to control everything! But when he finally did, when he had conquered the whole world, he could not expand any more and he went insane. He began to see plotting against him everywhere; he began to destroy entire countries just because one citizen made fun of him. He became what we would call evil.
A mortal body can only hold so much power for so long, however, and eventually the emperor began to weaken and a Central Kingdomer named Rolfe saw and opportunity to free the world of his evil reign."
Lunop knew what was coming, and she did not like it. This story always reminded her of things that she would rather forget.
Sike continued. "He gathered up a band of rebels and made a pact with an underground group called the Order of Sorcery."
Lunop remembered a moment that had taken place years before. Lunop, seven years old, was sitting on the living room floor. She watched her mother Ain sit in a hard, wooden chair and knit. Lunop followed her mother's fingers and needles attentively and saw a blanket begin to form as if by magic.
"Rolfe, the rebels, and the sorcerers started a riot in the Capital City. Sheer numbers allowed the rioters to overpower the emperor's men and storm his palace."
It was dark outside and raining. Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled. Lunop wished the weather would improve so she could go outdoors and play. Unexpectedly there came a knock on the door. Lunop was confused. Why would anyone visit in this terrible weather? Ain and Karr, Lunop's father who had been looking attentively out a window, however, nervously glanced at each other.
"Rolfe killed the emperor."
Ain got up and began to climb the stairs, calling to Lunop to follow her. Lunop, however, just sat and stared at the door. Her father opened the door. A balding sorcerer dressed in traditional red and blue robes, stood at the door. On both of his cheeks were two identical tattoos of three yellow stars arranged in a triangle.
"Rolfe and the sorcerers defeated the evil emperor, and under their rule the Central Kingdom's had peace and prosperity for two-hundred years."
"Karr Goca of Kablakhul, do you know why I am here?" asked the sorcerer gravely.
"You are here," answered Karr, "because you and the others like you won't accept the truth."
Lunop had very little idea of what was happening, but she sensed--from her father's words and clenched fists, and the simple fact of the presence of a scary-looking man--that it was something worth being upset about. So she cried.
Suddenly, Lunop realized that she was asleep.
"What is the truth and what is true is for the Order to decide, not you," said the sorcerer. He held out his right hand, palm open. It developed, almost imperceptibly, a purplish aura around it. In seconds, the color disappeared, along with Karr and the sorcerer.
ADDITION:
Here's chapter II:
Chapter 2, Hidden Plots
A ruddy, red light grew on all sides of the midnight black horizon. The wind seemed to blow in all directions at once, tossing her long black hair all about her head, stinging her eyes, knocking her own dress at her legs like whips, and making a deafening sound. Lunop could hardly move in the strong, chaotic blustering, so she could look in only one direction. To her left was a crumbling castle, whose towers even now were collapsing and crashing silently into charred soil. To her right was a scorched tree with--Lunop's breath caught when she realized it--a burnt-black human corpse hanging grotesquely from its bare branches.
Directly in front of her, some twenty feet away, was a great stone circle surrounded by four smooth pylons. Floating between these pylons was a feminine figure dressed all in black, her back turned to Lunop. Then the stone ring itself began to glow with a magical, purple light.
Above Lunop's head, the moon hung dominatingly in the sky. The gray stone, all craters and marias clearly exposed, stretched nearly across the whole sky. As the circle lit up, cracks and red lava veins spread across its surface as if the whole thing were being torn to pieces by some incredible, invisible nutcracker. Lunop managed to turn her head to find in horror that the same thing was happening to the earth upon which she stood. Then suddenly, a large chunk of moon broke off and became a blazing meteor as it plummeted down to Earth.
More falling moon-stones followed, of all sizes, all catching fire in the swirling atmosphere. Lunop tried to shout at the ebon-clad figure, but her voice fell away quickly and uselessly to the mad torrent of winds.
That had been a dream, and now Lunop awoke. She had been writhing in her sleep, apparently, as her blankets were disorganized; they were bunched into small hill-shapes at places, and tossed away at others. She looked down at herself and saw her small, sweaty body clad in a nightgown. Had she been wearing a nightgown? No. Now she remembered that she had gone to sleep in her day clothes and, in addition, her bed had no blankets.
This room was not her own either. Made of stone, the space was windowless and without the characteristic slanted ceiling of her loft. It was lit by three dimly glowing orbs at the floor of each of the room's four corners. She lolled her head over to the left. There was, indeed, a second identical bed there, but the woman in it was twice the size of Yoma. The head, with bandages over the eyes, had young wrinkles across it, and the woman could not be less than thirty years old and probably more. Lunop rolled her head all the way to her right. A young man in chain mail armor stood by her bed, staring expressionlessly at the door. Lunop shivered with a sudden convulsion of fright. "Who are you?" she demanded, "What is this?"
The young man did not look at her, but said in a flat tone, "To you first question, I am Karaken Serra of Capital City; I am you guard and a member of the Ku-Zishu. To the second, this is the forty-fourth day of the spring of the two-hundred and ninety-ninth year after the fall of the emperor, in your temporary quarters in Capital City, as you and your companion, Silliconaria Silistia of Dragon Mountain Village, await trial."
"Trial?" Lunop sat upright and said shockedly, "Trial for what?"
"I do not know,” Karaken Sera's blank expression did not change, "And it is not my concern. I am your guard, and that is enough."
Lunop scrutinized the young man and asked, "By 'guard,' do you mean that you are supposed to protect me, or keep me from leaving?"
"Both," Sera responded, as if that answered all other questions Lunop might have had.
Lunop held her head with one hand, "How drunk did I get last night?" she asked.
"Not at all, to my knowledge; you were confined to these quarters all day."
"It was a rhetorical question, and--wait. All day?"
“Yes ma’am,” returned Sera, “You were taken from Uze to Capital City two days ago. For most of that time, including the whole of yesterday, you have been confined to these quarters. You recall none of this?”
By this point, Lunop was very confused. “Er, no. I don’t remember any of that.” She held her forehead.
Sera said nothing.
Lunop spotted a doorway with no door in it, leading to a small bathroom. "Can the prisoner go to the bathroom, at least?" asked Lunop.
"Yes," said Karaken Serra. That was all he said, flatly.
Lunop got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. There was no door. There was, however, a porcelain sink and a hairbrush, so Lunop pretended she had just wanted to brush her hair. (While still desperately needing to relieve herself) Somehow, though, she did not recognize the face in the mirror above the sink.
She was, like nearly everybody in the Central Kingdom, Caucasian, but she was pale even so. She had long, straight, raven-black hair that hung down just past her shoulders, hair she now brushed. Her nose was crooked, as if it had been broken sometime in the past. It was her own blue eyes that shocked her; they were not a natural blue of just the iris, but all a milky azure haze of pupil, iris, and corona. This must be her face, but it seemed unfamiliar.
"So when is this trial?" she called across the room, still with her hand working the brush up and down her hair.
"In four hours," Sera told her.
"Well how will we know? There's no clocks, no windows in here."
"I am Ku-Zishu. Our bodies are trained for time-keeping."
Lunop walked back through the empty doorway into the main room. "And what, exactly, is a Ku-Zishu?" she asked.
Sera was still staring blankly at the door, "We are warriors trained for the utmost control of our bodies a mortal can achieve. We have served as peacekeepers for the rulers of the Central Kingdom since before the Era of SunMoon, when our order was founded by Buildan Zishu. For now, we are loyal to the Rolfe dynasty and the Order of Sorcery."
Lunop got back in bed and tried to sleep, but the alien guard at her bedside made her uncomfortable, and even if that had not been so, her mind was filled with questions and speculations. She tried to recall, with her eyes closed, what had happened the previous two days, or why she could not remember. Though many speculations--from her bumping her head on some thing to being brainwashed to having the worst hangover in the history of the world. None of them seemed probable, however.
“So why are we here, exactly?” asked Senator Moro, “You mentioned something about the Northern Realms?”
Wasp Moro was going to object to her proposal, Damus knew. “Moralistic” “idealistic” and “good” were all words commonly used to describe him. But he was a member of the Redcastle Party, so it had seemed only right to invite him to her conference.
Danes and Moro sat at a long, rectangular table furnished elegantly with a tablecloth, candles, and a great golden centerpiece in the shape of a spherical map of the world. They were in Micros Danes’s private estate; a three mile expanse of greenery on the edge of Omnikar City. In the middle was a tall hill with Danes’s mansion atop it. The whole plot perfectly befitted an Omnik senator. That mansion was where the thirteen assembled senators were now: in the dining room.
“Of course,” said Danes, “before I go before the senate with this, I wanted to make absolutely sure whether or not my own party would either back me up. Yellow is the primary color of the Omnik flag, correct?”
Not seeing how the design of their national flag involved the Northern Realms, the now confused senators nodded in agreement. There was an Omnik flag hanging on the wall behind where Danes sat at the end of the table. It was the yellow of gold and prosperity with a red circle in the middle symbolizing the heart of Imperial civilization, Omnikar. On each of the four corners was gray, symbolizing the barbarity of lands that had not been shown the Omniks’ golden light, but acknowledging their presence anyway.
“So, keeping that in mind, what can we conclude the artist-cartographer who designed this globe was thinking of at the time?” Danes continued, lifting the golden centerpiece in one hand.
A fat, elderly senator named Took Fog suggested, “He was thinking, ‘I better do this well, because Danes is pulling taxpayers’ money out of her butt to pay for it.’”
This statement was received with chuckles from a few of the guests. Danes did not appear amused, however. “Actually, it was an heirloom from my great grandfather,” she explained. The short bout of laughter stopped. “The artist-cartographer was clearly thinking optimistically. He saw our world, Pharth, united under the Omnik gold. He knew, as every Omnik has known since our nation’s manifest destiny became apparent, that this was our destiny: to restore the order lost with the SunMoon Emperor’s destruction of the Unity, to restore the old Unity beneath our golden emblem, and to bring glory to our great empire! Our great people!” She finished her speech with a great flurry, as if at that moment, she was prepared to do war with anyone who would deny her nation of the destiny she spoke so fondly of.
“So what are you getting at?” asked Senator Fog with a sleepy expression on his face.
“What region has always denied our destiny? What four nations are the last to defy our power and deny the new Unity?”
The question was answered by Senator Moro: “The Northern Realms: Sauria, the Dragon Mountains, the Central Kingdom, and the Monkey Forest. They have not been conquered by the empire and we cannot even threaten them with boycotts or blockades like we did with Sandeya because they have the resources to be self-sufficient.”
“Correct,” agreed Danes, “but I have assurances that Yellowcastle Party would vote in favor of an invasion of the Northern Realms if a motion was put forward. Well, the Central Kingdom anyway. The other three would most certainly attack us to protect their ally, so we could then declare a pre-emptive strike against them. The Yellowcastles and we make up about two-thirds of the senate; the resolution would pass.”
A male senator and former admiral of the Omnik navy named Gaze Effigy asked: “What about the Monkey Forest? We have tried to invade the Realms before, but we failed. I do not have a problem with going to war, except that how can you move an army through a disease-ridden, foul-watered jungle full of hostiles and expect it to be in fighting condition when it gets to the other side?”
“It is simple, actually,” Danes explained, “You don’t move them through it, you move them over it.” She saw the puzzlement Effigy’s face and went on smugly, somewhat pleased that the senator might, after the meeting, think that she was at least a bit smarter than him. She continued: “The military has been secretly working for years on an invention that will revolutionize the face of modern warfare: the airship.”
“A ship?” exclaimed Effigy in confusion, “you mean like a flying battleship?”
“Well,” she said, “not so much a flying battleship as much as a big, flying bus with wings. Maybe even some guns attached if the dragons give us any trouble. Once our people have landed on that barbaric peninsula, the primitive and small civilization there would quickly surrender or be crushed.”
Moro stood up. “I object to this,” he stated, “The Northern Realms have not threatened us, and could hardly do so if they wanted. Your plan would be a waste of people and resources, and it might harm the good name of the Empire.”
Danes glared at him calmly. “Harm our name? Mr. Moro, they are harming our name at this moment, simply by being independent. What to our overseas territories think when nations that share our border are able to defy us so?”
The idea occurred to Danes that some lethal accident might help the pro-war senators get around this peace-loving man. Then she decided otherwise; his one vote would not be enough to sway the majority of the senate, and he did not have much influence with any other members. He could keep his distasteful opinion.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-05-28 at 05:26:42
Critique:
1. The dinosaur people "sss" to much. I wouldn't imagine any race to pausing to put an "ssss" at the end of "it's". I suggest using the hisses in natural areas... as natural as it is to hiss during a speech anyway
i.e. Thissss is TREASON!
2. The near-constant use of characters' names is not necessary. When the sentense or paragraph is based on a person or speaking about a person, it is ok to directly use "He" or "she".
i.e. Lunob awoke from her plaguing nightmare. She took a moment to recover from her dream, but as soon as she did, she noticed the unfamiliar walls and the figure in the bed beside her who was obviously not of her sister's scale.
3. What kind of world are we set in right now? A world of sorcery, witches, emporers... and clubs? Is it set in medieval fantasy or another fantasy of a timeless age? Maybe she got drunk at a tavern?
4. During the first part of the second chapter, you seem to have gotten lazy about typing. The part where she passes the something1/something2/something3 is like saying she passed something1, but something1 could be something2 and 3, while something2 is something1 and 3 as well...
Some easy-to-correct punctuational errors and weeding out a few unecessary words, all else seems rather fine. Also, things seemed to have moved too fast too vaguely *but later chapters may fix that.
Praise:
There was vivid detail. As I read, I could feel all them lizards hissing about as the two focused lizards fought. I liked your choice of words, though sometimes they seemed slightly forced to... glamour up the text.
The storyline was rather intriguing. I wanted to read on as I did, but it kinda hopped around left and right, leaving me with so many unanswered questions, even the small questions.
Dialogue had its ups and downs, but overall, I got to feel the kind of personality or innocence within each character.
Overall, 74/100 (using a bigger scale to be more precise
). With a few little corrections here and there, it could easily hit 80/100, but some bigger changes are required for me to rate higher.
I like it. Keep going, and if you do polish up this part, be sure to post it again
-fm47
1. The dinosaur people "sss" to much. I wouldn't imagine any race to pausing to put an "ssss" at the end of "it's". I suggest using the hisses in natural areas... as natural as it is to hiss during a speech anyway
i.e. Thissss is TREASON!
2. The near-constant use of characters' names is not necessary. When the sentense or paragraph is based on a person or speaking about a person, it is ok to directly use "He" or "she".
i.e. Lunob awoke from her plaguing nightmare. She took a moment to recover from her dream, but as soon as she did, she noticed the unfamiliar walls and the figure in the bed beside her who was obviously not of her sister's scale.
3. What kind of world are we set in right now? A world of sorcery, witches, emporers... and clubs? Is it set in medieval fantasy or another fantasy of a timeless age? Maybe she got drunk at a tavern?
4. During the first part of the second chapter, you seem to have gotten lazy about typing. The part where she passes the something1/something2/something3 is like saying she passed something1, but something1 could be something2 and 3, while something2 is something1 and 3 as well...
Some easy-to-correct punctuational errors and weeding out a few unecessary words, all else seems rather fine. Also, things seemed to have moved too fast too vaguely *but later chapters may fix that.
Praise:
There was vivid detail. As I read, I could feel all them lizards hissing about as the two focused lizards fought. I liked your choice of words, though sometimes they seemed slightly forced to... glamour up the text.
The storyline was rather intriguing. I wanted to read on as I did, but it kinda hopped around left and right, leaving me with so many unanswered questions, even the small questions.
Dialogue had its ups and downs, but overall, I got to feel the kind of personality or innocence within each character.
Overall, 74/100 (using a bigger scale to be more precise
). With a few little corrections here and there, it could easily hit 80/100, but some bigger changes are required for me to rate higher.I like it. Keep going, and if you do polish up this part, be sure to post it again
-fm47