Report, edit, etc...Posted by ABCDEFG on 2006-06-05 at 22:01:02
Sorry If I'm Not Aloud to right two stories at the same time.
This is more of a serious sad story
Chapter 1#: Hell Is An Inch Away
"Dad... DAD!! DAD!!!!!" Cameron calls out. He gots mad, and stomps down the stairs and stops. He stared and saw his dad at his work place. Laying on his table and blood dropping down from his forehead, a knife fully pushed in his eye ball and the blood signs on his head reading "6, 6, 6" Camerom went to see his mom to see that blood marks leading to her bed room. On the walls he saw the same numbers. He ran outside to the streets. It was night time, he new hell was about to begin. Although he was 12 he wasn't scared much about things like this, but the only thing he was scared was the devil, not the signs, not the knife, not the killing. He knows that the devil is the only one that can get to him. For he has a power that a normal mortal does not have. The power an Angel would have. A holy heart bigger than the normal human heart. He calls it the holy heart because he feels the heart moving faster or in a different direction in a weird way when he gets a thought or a comment out of no where in his head saying "Go this way, Go That way, Do this, Do that" He had a piece of paper in his hand. It started moving and floated in the air, without a pencil the devil was righting, 6 6 6. "female dog" the boy mumbled. "Fool" The piece of paper looked like it was saying but actually the devil. It was just hell, 1 inch away.
TO BE CONTINUED
Chapter 2# Long Journy Home
Cameron woke up at by a cliff on the beach. He saw that his home was the only home for miles away, he did not know how to drive a car so he decided to walk, walk the way where he was before, the old house that he was born in, his Grand Fathers house. He knew he had to dodge people for they would be so curious. He went to his house to make himself a sandwitch. As he reached to open the door, the door opened by itself. He ran in, grabbed a back of sandwitch breads and ran to the front. It was too late, the door was locked and the devil had closed it, and it would not be opened for what the devil thinks. He rand to the window, he picked up a hammer that was laying on the ground by his dads work place. He slammed the window, it did not open. He felt his heart beating in strange way. He hit the window again. It cracked. He hit it harder and this time it made a small whole, he hit it over and over again till the window was completely open. "Can't Lock everything" He said. He ran outside and headed straight to a small building that looked miles and miles away. He yet already knew this was going to be a very long Journy Back home.
This is more of a serious sad story
Chapter 1#: Hell Is An Inch Away
"Dad... DAD!! DAD!!!!!" Cameron calls out. He gots mad, and stomps down the stairs and stops. He stared and saw his dad at his work place. Laying on his table and blood dropping down from his forehead, a knife fully pushed in his eye ball and the blood signs on his head reading "6, 6, 6" Camerom went to see his mom to see that blood marks leading to her bed room. On the walls he saw the same numbers. He ran outside to the streets. It was night time, he new hell was about to begin. Although he was 12 he wasn't scared much about things like this, but the only thing he was scared was the devil, not the signs, not the knife, not the killing. He knows that the devil is the only one that can get to him. For he has a power that a normal mortal does not have. The power an Angel would have. A holy heart bigger than the normal human heart. He calls it the holy heart because he feels the heart moving faster or in a different direction in a weird way when he gets a thought or a comment out of no where in his head saying "Go this way, Go That way, Do this, Do that" He had a piece of paper in his hand. It started moving and floated in the air, without a pencil the devil was righting, 6 6 6. "female dog" the boy mumbled. "Fool" The piece of paper looked like it was saying but actually the devil. It was just hell, 1 inch away.
TO BE CONTINUED
Chapter 2# Long Journy Home
Cameron woke up at by a cliff on the beach. He saw that his home was the only home for miles away, he did not know how to drive a car so he decided to walk, walk the way where he was before, the old house that he was born in, his Grand Fathers house. He knew he had to dodge people for they would be so curious. He went to his house to make himself a sandwitch. As he reached to open the door, the door opened by itself. He ran in, grabbed a back of sandwitch breads and ran to the front. It was too late, the door was locked and the devil had closed it, and it would not be opened for what the devil thinks. He rand to the window, he picked up a hammer that was laying on the ground by his dads work place. He slammed the window, it did not open. He felt his heart beating in strange way. He hit the window again. It cracked. He hit it harder and this time it made a small whole, he hit it over and over again till the window was completely open. "Can't Lock everything" He said. He ran outside and headed straight to a small building that looked miles and miles away. He yet already knew this was going to be a very long Journy Back home.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-06 at 03:06:00
Oh... where to begin.
Ok first....
"He gets mad, and he stomps down the stairs and stops."
Should be:
"He got mad and stomped down the stairs and stopped." It is "got" instead of "get" because you seem to be trying to write in a past-tense, but mostly going with present-tense. Being foreign, I had a hard time with that past-present stuff... but think of it as this--is the story being told as it develops, or is the story being told as story?
If it's being developed as you go, then your sentence would be correct, but if it's being told as a story, that means the story has already been created or happened, despite what time period the setting is at. For example:
1 - Present, happening as it goes.
Joe walks up to the automatic doors at the Old Paul's, a local market, and thinks to himself whether he should act as he had planned, or forget the idea and go home.
So we're picturing Joe walking up to the doors, then stops to think. Then we read that he is thinking about a plan he had planned, so we're thinking a bit about what he had planned before now, the present.
Now, imagine the story ends here as we know it and the day passed to the day after.
2 - Past, happened already.
Sally tapped Joe on the shoulders. "Whatcha doing?" she said innocently.
Surprised at the sudden attention, he could barely think of what to say, but managed to mutter, "n-n-nothing."
Sally tilted her head to her right and looked up at the boy taller than her, "Really?" she stretched the ending note of her question.
Joe looked at Old Paul's, then at Sally. "Nothing, really." He smiled, "Want to go to the arcade? I bet you can't beat me at air hockey!" He said as he ran for a head start.
"Hey! I can too beat you!" She chased after him. "You watch, Joey Gard!" She smiled warmly and tried to catch up to him.
Ok, here we revealed a bit more of yesterday that we had missed. What happened later was that Sally sees Joe and asks him what's up and he said nothing (though he was really planning to steal something from the shop... though the story doesn't say that so the audience would try to guess what he was going to do) and changed his mind and thought he'd spend the afternoon playing with his childhood friend and love, Sally.
Get it?
Now, some spelling and punctuation is need here.
Here's my opinion on the story:
I don't like it. In fact, it's kind of a turn off. First off, The Omen is coming out (today, June 06), and it seems like that's where you got the idea. Second off, why must all the bad, supernatural beings be the Devil? And third off, "666" is too commonly used... some have even believed it's a conspiracy because it can be "traced" on credit cards, receipts, and prices...
This is probably the rough-rough...rough and rough... draft. So I'll let the little details (punctuation, spelling) go by, but "dropping" blood instead of "dripping"... well that just drove me a little nuts.
Although I don't like the whole "666" and "Devil" thing, I sure as hell (no pun intended) wouldn't be surprised if you could show me up and still make it a kick-ass story. Keep up the work and surprise me well
Ok first....
"He gets mad, and he stomps down the stairs and stops."
Should be:
"He got mad and stomped down the stairs and stopped." It is "got" instead of "get" because you seem to be trying to write in a past-tense, but mostly going with present-tense. Being foreign, I had a hard time with that past-present stuff... but think of it as this--is the story being told as it develops, or is the story being told as story?
If it's being developed as you go, then your sentence would be correct, but if it's being told as a story, that means the story has already been created or happened, despite what time period the setting is at. For example:
1 - Present, happening as it goes.
Joe walks up to the automatic doors at the Old Paul's, a local market, and thinks to himself whether he should act as he had planned, or forget the idea and go home.
So we're picturing Joe walking up to the doors, then stops to think. Then we read that he is thinking about a plan he had planned, so we're thinking a bit about what he had planned before now, the present.
Now, imagine the story ends here as we know it and the day passed to the day after.
2 - Past, happened already.
Sally tapped Joe on the shoulders. "Whatcha doing?" she said innocently.
Surprised at the sudden attention, he could barely think of what to say, but managed to mutter, "n-n-nothing."
Sally tilted her head to her right and looked up at the boy taller than her, "Really?" she stretched the ending note of her question.
Joe looked at Old Paul's, then at Sally. "Nothing, really." He smiled, "Want to go to the arcade? I bet you can't beat me at air hockey!" He said as he ran for a head start.
"Hey! I can too beat you!" She chased after him. "You watch, Joey Gard!" She smiled warmly and tried to catch up to him.
Ok, here we revealed a bit more of yesterday that we had missed. What happened later was that Sally sees Joe and asks him what's up and he said nothing (though he was really planning to steal something from the shop... though the story doesn't say that so the audience would try to guess what he was going to do) and changed his mind and thought he'd spend the afternoon playing with his childhood friend and love, Sally.
Get it?
Now, some spelling and punctuation is need here.
Here's my opinion on the story:
I don't like it. In fact, it's kind of a turn off. First off, The Omen is coming out (today, June 06), and it seems like that's where you got the idea. Second off, why must all the bad, supernatural beings be the Devil? And third off, "666" is too commonly used... some have even believed it's a conspiracy because it can be "traced" on credit cards, receipts, and prices...
This is probably the rough-rough...rough and rough... draft. So I'll let the little details (punctuation, spelling) go by, but "dropping" blood instead of "dripping"... well that just drove me a little nuts.
Although I don't like the whole "666" and "Devil" thing, I sure as hell (no pun intended) wouldn't be surprised if you could show me up and still make it a kick-ass story. Keep up the work and surprise me well
Report, edit, etc...Posted by ABCDEFG on 2006-06-06 at 08:57:44
oh your right, sorry my grammar sucks i barely learned my A through Gs .
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-07 at 02:51:28
Eh, I can get off the grammar and spelling and punctuation, what really turns me off is more of the idea of the story itself.