Report, edit, etc...Posted by Mp)Excalibur on 2006-06-14 at 18:34:26
My topic of all my works isn't getting too many views. So heres a new one i thought id spot light
She said no
No thats not it
Depressed teens are all too common
Plastic bags and trash like
Just all too common
And she said
I don't
See any difference taking place
No difference taking place here
Today's times
Are just getting harder today is just
Too far away
You'd want to dream
I know You'd love to be free
But what can i do for you
What can i do for you today
Today has nothing left
The days over just because
Its nearly six pm
But for me
Its just begun
I've just woke up
Haven't had a chance to load my gun
Or walk out on the streets
And see amazing feats of
Living through the mundane
Day after day and today
Ill live for today
Today has got nothing left
There is no surprise
Nothing left to make us open our eyes
Today is over today is over
And it may be just after ten
But i'm ready to live today again
And be able to take it all in
Again.....
So join me
And live for today
Live for today and don't waste
Another day wondering what
Could have been if You'd said yes
Just come with me and you'll find
What is the object of your quest
Come on don't go
Live for today just live for today
Live for today for me
Live for me, because oh because
I could not have lived without you
Live live live just live for me
It may destroy as all before were through
Just finding a way to be somebody else
Ill destroy us all through and through
Just to be some body else
Today ill live for you
And tomorrow ill be somebody else
And my identities will destroy me
Through and through
From the inside out and all through
Ill be wishing for you and searching for
A better tomorrow before i'm through
Just find me a way to be somebody else
Ill destroy us all before were through
Find a way to become new
Through and through ill destroy
And make us all anew
Just find me a way to be
Some body else.......
-DB
She said no
No thats not it
Depressed teens are all too common
Plastic bags and trash like
Just all too common
And she said
I don't
See any difference taking place
No difference taking place here
Today's times
Are just getting harder today is just
Too far away
You'd want to dream
I know You'd love to be free
But what can i do for you
What can i do for you today
Today has nothing left
The days over just because
Its nearly six pm
But for me
Its just begun
I've just woke up
Haven't had a chance to load my gun
Or walk out on the streets
And see amazing feats of
Living through the mundane
Day after day and today
Ill live for today
Today has got nothing left
There is no surprise
Nothing left to make us open our eyes
Today is over today is over
And it may be just after ten
But i'm ready to live today again
And be able to take it all in
Again.....
So join me
And live for today
Live for today and don't waste
Another day wondering what
Could have been if You'd said yes
Just come with me and you'll find
What is the object of your quest
Come on don't go
Live for today just live for today
Live for today for me
Live for me, because oh because
I could not have lived without you
Live live live just live for me
It may destroy as all before were through
Just finding a way to be somebody else
Ill destroy us all through and through
Just to be some body else
Today ill live for you
And tomorrow ill be somebody else
And my identities will destroy me
Through and through
From the inside out and all through
Ill be wishing for you and searching for
A better tomorrow before i'm through
Just find me a way to be somebody else
Ill destroy us all before were through
Find a way to become new
Through and through ill destroy
And make us all anew
Just find me a way to be
Some body else.......
-DB
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-15 at 03:42:19
There may be no posts for certain reasons such as...
1) I don't like it. There wasn't exactly a rhythm and without proper punctation, the audience had to constantly wonder, "Did he mean 'days' or 'day's'?"
2) It almost seems like you wrote this just so people could reply (or praise, whatever) and that may be the reason it was written so horribly... I can see that there are feelings in the poem some where, I just can't feel them.
Sometimes my posts don't get anything, but that's what I was expecting. I simply wanted to write and had the urge to. I thought I'd share it with the rest of the people just so they can critique it because i'm usually trying out new writing styles. But then again, that's just me, eh?
1) I don't like it. There wasn't exactly a rhythm and without proper punctation, the audience had to constantly wonder, "Did he mean 'days' or 'day's'?"
2) It almost seems like you wrote this just so people could reply (or praise, whatever) and that may be the reason it was written so horribly... I can see that there are feelings in the poem some where, I just can't feel them.
Sometimes my posts don't get anything, but that's what I was expecting. I simply wanted to write and had the urge to. I thought I'd share it with the rest of the people just so they can critique it because i'm usually trying out new writing styles. But then again, that's just me, eh?
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Mp)Excalibur on 2006-06-15 at 06:41:43
QUOTE(fm47 @ Jun 15 2006, 02:41 AM)
There may be no posts for certain reasons such as...
1) I don't like it. There wasn't exactly a rhythm and without proper punctation, the audience had to constantly wonder, "Did he mean 'days' or 'day's'?"
[right][snapback]506883[/snapback][/right]
1) I don't like it. There wasn't exactly a rhythm and without proper punctation, the audience had to constantly wonder, "Did he mean 'days' or 'day's'?"
[right][snapback]506883[/snapback][/right]
Was it just the punctuation you disliked? Its rather my style of writting. Just as why i make line breaks after an amount of words. I found the rythm rather easy.
QUOTE(fm47 @ Jun 15 2006, 02:41 AM)
2) It almost seems like you wrote this just so people could reply (or praise, whatever) and that may be the reason it was written so horribly... I can see that there are feelings in the poem some where, I just can't feel them.
[right][snapback]506883[/snapback][/right]
[right][snapback]506883[/snapback][/right]
I write as an emotional outlet. I like to have others examin this outlet, it helps me sort myself out. I cant see how it was hard to feel out.
QUOTE(fm47 @ Jun 15 2006, 02:41 AM)
Sometimes my posts don't get anything, but that's what I was expecting. I simply wanted to write and had the urge to. I thought I'd share it with the rest of the people just so they can critique it because i'm usually trying out new writing styles. But then again, that's just me, eh?
[right][snapback]506883[/snapback][/right]
[right][snapback]506883[/snapback][/right]
Well a bit opposite of me, i have my own style which i stick to. Its rather just free verse for me. Alot of people suggest Free Verse is for the new and inexperianced, but i feel other styles limit my message.
Thanks
-DB
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Mini Moose 2707 on 2006-06-15 at 13:07:27
Well, the grammar wasn't too good, which takes away from it. That's been pointed out already, so I won't expound on it.
There is a lack of imagery, so I found it a bit boring. Things like 'haven't had a chance to load my gun' and the 'amazing feats of the mundane' were good, but otherwise it didn't seem much happened. Even if absolutely nothing happens, at least throw us some mental pictures instead of just telling us.
There is a lack of imagery, so I found it a bit boring. Things like 'haven't had a chance to load my gun' and the 'amazing feats of the mundane' were good, but otherwise it didn't seem much happened. Even if absolutely nothing happens, at least throw us some mental pictures instead of just telling us.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Mp)Excalibur on 2006-06-15 at 20:12:22
All i can say moose, is i didnt figure you one for poetry, or writing in general.
-DB
ADDITION:
Edit: Revised, added a bit, spell checked.
-DB
-DB
ADDITION:
Edit: Revised, added a bit, spell checked.
-DB
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-15 at 21:25:30
Judges don't always do what they judge... just as one could appreciate art for its true nature, yet not able to create a physical form of what they see and feel.
There is a fine line between free-form and nonsense. Something as simple as "we'd", or in your case, wed, could confuse an entire audience. Even if not intended for an audience, when you look at it some day, you may have forgotten how you write (and trust me, don't think you'd ever forget) and that could confuse you as well.
"She said no
No thats not it
Depressed teens are all too common
Plastic bags and trash like
Just all too common"
Let's examine this part.
First off, let's tackle the previously noticed punctuation/operators.
"Plastic bags and trash like".... like what? Oh, you meant "trash-like", as in "like trash".
Then
"She said no
No that's not it"
Would that be referring to her saying, "No. No, that's not it." Or did you think she said "No", but "that's not it" as in that's not what she really said.
As for rhythm, I caught it every now and then, but then lost it as soon as realized it as well.
"And she said
I don't
See any difference taking place
No difference taking place here
Today's times
Are just getting harder today is just
Too far away "
Ok... "And she said -- I don't" That's like a rhythmic trainwreck for me right there. In my view, you were trying to express a pause, something like, "And she said, 'I don't... see any difference taking place."
In my opinion, that would be better put
"And she said,
I don't see
Any differences
Taking place.
No difference
Taking place.
Today's Times
Are getting harder
Today is
Too far away"
Of course, I don't claim myself to be UP there like some of the artistic people, but this is my view and I'm sharing it with you. Since you wanted thoughts, critiques, you now TAKE this view, stamp it on a card, then decide if you want to compromise with it or just hold it (to keep a reference in case you decide you like it or to remember what you DON'T like).
Also, explain why you wrote certain places as you did when it's discussed about. Simply saying that's your style... then there really wasn't much to say to begin with. All that would be said is probably, "It's your style (not going to argue with that)."
There is a fine line between free-form and nonsense. Something as simple as "we'd", or in your case, wed, could confuse an entire audience. Even if not intended for an audience, when you look at it some day, you may have forgotten how you write (and trust me, don't think you'd ever forget) and that could confuse you as well.
"She said no
No thats not it
Depressed teens are all too common
Plastic bags and trash like
Just all too common"
Let's examine this part.
First off, let's tackle the previously noticed punctuation/operators.
"Plastic bags and trash like".... like what? Oh, you meant "trash-like", as in "like trash".
Then
"She said no
No that's not it"
Would that be referring to her saying, "No. No, that's not it." Or did you think she said "No", but "that's not it" as in that's not what she really said.
As for rhythm, I caught it every now and then, but then lost it as soon as realized it as well.
"And she said
I don't
See any difference taking place
No difference taking place here
Today's times
Are just getting harder today is just
Too far away "
Ok... "And she said -- I don't" That's like a rhythmic trainwreck for me right there. In my view, you were trying to express a pause, something like, "And she said, 'I don't... see any difference taking place."
In my opinion, that would be better put
"And she said,
I don't see
Any differences
Taking place.
No difference
Taking place.
Today's Times
Are getting harder
Today is
Too far away"
Of course, I don't claim myself to be UP there like some of the artistic people, but this is my view and I'm sharing it with you. Since you wanted thoughts, critiques, you now TAKE this view, stamp it on a card, then decide if you want to compromise with it or just hold it (to keep a reference in case you decide you like it or to remember what you DON'T like).
Also, explain why you wrote certain places as you did when it's discussed about. Simply saying that's your style... then there really wasn't much to say to begin with. All that would be said is probably, "It's your style (not going to argue with that)."
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Mp)Excalibur on 2006-06-17 at 15:32:39
QUOTE(fm47 @ Jun 15 2006, 08:25 PM)
Judges don't always do what they judge... just as one could appreciate art for its true nature, yet not able to create a physical form of what they see and feel.
There is a fine line between free-form and nonsense. Something as simple as "we'd", or in your case, wed, could confuse an entire audience. Even if not intended for an audience, when you look at it some day, you may have forgotten how you write (and trust me, don't think you'd ever forget) and that could confuse you as well.
"She said no
No thats not it
Depressed teens are all too common
Plastic bags and trash like
Just all too common"
Let's examine this part.
First off, let's tackle the previously noticed punctuation/operators.
"Plastic bags and trash like".... like what? Oh, you meant "trash-like", as in "like trash".
Then
"She said no
No that's not it"
Would that be referring to her saying, "No. No, that's not it." Or did you think she said "No", but "that's not it" as in that's not what she really said.
As for rhythm, I caught it every now and then, but then lost it as soon as realized it as well.
"And she said
I don't
See any difference taking place
No difference taking place here
Today's times
Are just getting harder today is just
Too far away "
[right][snapback]507339[/snapback][/right]
There is a fine line between free-form and nonsense. Something as simple as "we'd", or in your case, wed, could confuse an entire audience. Even if not intended for an audience, when you look at it some day, you may have forgotten how you write (and trust me, don't think you'd ever forget) and that could confuse you as well.
"She said no
No thats not it
Depressed teens are all too common
Plastic bags and trash like
Just all too common"
Let's examine this part.
First off, let's tackle the previously noticed punctuation/operators.
"Plastic bags and trash like".... like what? Oh, you meant "trash-like", as in "like trash".
Then
"She said no
No that's not it"
Would that be referring to her saying, "No. No, that's not it." Or did you think she said "No", but "that's not it" as in that's not what she really said.
As for rhythm, I caught it every now and then, but then lost it as soon as realized it as well.
"And she said
I don't
See any difference taking place
No difference taking place here
Today's times
Are just getting harder today is just
Too far away "
[right][snapback]507339[/snapback][/right]
All of the above is in my opinion grammatical. Grammar has no place in poetry in my opinion. Poetic licence is there for a reason.
QUOTE(fm47 @ Jun 15 2006, 08:25 PM)
Ok... "And she said -- I don't" That's like a rhythmic trainwreck for me right there. In my view, you were trying to express a pause, something like, "And she said, 'I don't... see any difference taking place."
In my opinion, that would be better put
"And she said,
I don't see
Any differences
Taking place.
No difference
Taking place.
Today's Times
Are getting harder
Today is
Too far away"
Of course, I don't claim myself to be UP there like some of the artistic people, but this is my view and I'm sharing it with you. Since you wanted thoughts, critiques, you now TAKE this view, stamp it on a card, then decide if you want to compromise with it or just hold it (to keep a reference in case you decide you like it or to remember what you DON'T like).
[right][snapback]507339[/snapback][/right]
In my opinion, that would be better put
"And she said,
I don't see
Any differences
Taking place.
No difference
Taking place.
Today's Times
Are getting harder
Today is
Too far away"
Of course, I don't claim myself to be UP there like some of the artistic people, but this is my view and I'm sharing it with you. Since you wanted thoughts, critiques, you now TAKE this view, stamp it on a card, then decide if you want to compromise with it or just hold it (to keep a reference in case you decide you like it or to remember what you DON'T like).
[right][snapback]507339[/snapback][/right]
I think you don't see the rhythm once again
Look:
1 short line
2 longer
another short
2 longer
{a short
a long
a short}
{***} (Because the rhythm sped up a bit. here)
I really think you have quite a problem following the rhythm i've set, i believe it is either to complex or its something your not good at.
-DB
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-18 at 04:31:08
Either that or the rhythm don't compliment each other...
Short
Long
Short
Long...
that's just a pattern. The rhythm inside still matters and have to compliment each other (the lenghts of each other). The syllables and such are factors as well...
Anyhow, I'm done posting here.
Short
Long
Short
Long...
that's just a pattern. The rhythm inside still matters and have to compliment each other (the lenghts of each other). The syllables and such are factors as well...
Anyhow, I'm done posting here.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Staredit.Net Essence on 2006-06-22 at 16:19:16
Wow, I get minerals for writing posts! 
This was cool--no wait, AWESOME! No SCRATCH THAT, it was TOTALLY TUBULER!
This was cool--no wait, AWESOME! No SCRATCH THAT, it was TOTALLY TUBULER!