Report, edit, etc...Posted by n2o-SiMpSoNs on 2006-06-23 at 10:40:47
I'm not much of a writer but, I wrote this in my creative writing class. heh here it is
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/35219593/
it is about a guy who robs a bank
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/35219593/
it is about a guy who robs a bank
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Oo.Insane.oO on 2006-06-23 at 12:19:43
That was a good story I really enjoyed it but I would have done the ending differntly
Good job tho
Good job tho
Report, edit, etc...Posted by RedNara on 2006-06-23 at 14:35:31
I donno you keep saying Fred Fred Fred kills the story... And to much sentence, you should connect it. Also your not chaning your subject at all so no need to keeps saying Fred. Personally I dont know what happen if your arrested, so the "Phone Call" part did not make much since to me... And yep as Insane said, the ending was kinda bad.
Other than that I loved everything else. Would been nice if you added some more emotion to it. Good story overall
just needs some improvement.
Other than that I loved everything else. Would been nice if you added some more emotion to it. Good story overall
just needs some improvement.Report, edit, etc...Posted by n2o-SiMpSoNs on 2006-06-23 at 20:50:23
Thanks, glad you liked it (for the most part). ROFL Wanna know whats funny, the only part that i got help on is the ending, which is the part you guys didnt like haha. (i didnt get help from the teacher on the ending; I got it form another student)
My creative writing teacher is a good teacher :
http://www.davidsurette.com/Home.htm
My creative writing teacher is a good teacher :
http://www.davidsurette.com/Home.htm
Report, edit, etc...Posted by RedNara on 2006-06-23 at 21:02:05
Lol then the student must been grotten... Lol serioulsy i think whoever edit it might of messed it up. But then again when you usally edit you look for grammar problems, not the plot.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-24 at 01:31:40
There = a place, a moment, ect.
"There was a lot of bootlegging back then"
Their = of more than 1 person's
"Their criminal ways earned them reputatble names and political positions in Chicago."
They're = they are.
"And it seems like they're growing larger by the penny-drop."
I really liked the beginning. I was getting irriated at the dump the guy's living in, but you went into a mistake of saying, "Not to mention the pilot light always goes out so you are lucky if you get a hot shower." At this point, we're still talking about Fred, so it should still be "he".
And yes, the Fred Fred Fred part. I swear, when I was reading that part, it felt like I was some obsessed teenage girl reading about her favorite lead of a boyband.
"“Come on, Come on, pick up, pick up...” Fred said" I think at this moment he'd be "mumbling" or "whispering under his breath". Isn't "said" just a tad boring?
The ending... I can see the short-storiness (rofl go made up words!) in it and the purpose of it, but I was expecting something even more heart-wrenching like he never gets out of jail, but his mother continued her wait, having faith in that her child would come home some day even after she receives news of his death. Or even that she felt that he'd really come home after he died in jail.
If your teacher helped you with the ending, I could see why she would rather see the happy ending than the cruel one. I personally think cruel ones make you think more while the happy ones just kinda relieves you
I liked it, overall, keep writing
"There was a lot of bootlegging back then"
Their = of more than 1 person's
"Their criminal ways earned them reputatble names and political positions in Chicago."
They're = they are.
"And it seems like they're growing larger by the penny-drop."
I really liked the beginning. I was getting irriated at the dump the guy's living in, but you went into a mistake of saying, "Not to mention the pilot light always goes out so you are lucky if you get a hot shower." At this point, we're still talking about Fred, so it should still be "he".
And yes, the Fred Fred Fred part. I swear, when I was reading that part, it felt like I was some obsessed teenage girl reading about her favorite lead of a boyband.
"“Come on, Come on, pick up, pick up...” Fred said" I think at this moment he'd be "mumbling" or "whispering under his breath". Isn't "said" just a tad boring?
The ending... I can see the short-storiness (rofl go made up words!) in it and the purpose of it, but I was expecting something even more heart-wrenching like he never gets out of jail, but his mother continued her wait, having faith in that her child would come home some day even after she receives news of his death. Or even that she felt that he'd really come home after he died in jail.
If your teacher helped you with the ending, I could see why she would rather see the happy ending than the cruel one. I personally think cruel ones make you think more while the happy ones just kinda relieves you
I liked it, overall, keep writing
Report, edit, etc...Posted by n2o-SiMpSoNs on 2006-06-24 at 16:21:29
QUOTE(fm47 @ Jun 24 2006, 12:31 AM)
I liked it, overall, keep writing
[right][snapback]512350[/snapback][/right]
Thanks
^_^Yeah the grammar errors were probly a combo of me being tired writing it and microsoft word being a heping pile of crap.
good point on the pilot light part.
LOL, I think I should edit the Fred out >.<
the come on come on pick up part ~ nice suggestion
I thought going to jail for a long time was punishment enough and i wanted to show you that since hes getting out of jail he is going to try to be moroe like his dad