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Staredit Network -> Literature & Writing -> My First Poem
Report, edit, etc...Posted by xmrxsiegecopx on 2006-08-28 at 22:57:18
I spent the last hour writing this.

Beware! Life is Unfair!

Looking down a painful past
Wondering if you can see through
Horrifying memories they seem to last
And abuse and torture was not a blast
Good times there still are a few

Walking down a path full of lies
Never realizing the upcoming failures
Treated as an outcast you try your tries
Those good opportunities goes and flies
Walking this path until you see everything dies

Hopes and dreams torn asunder
Help is wanted yet criticizm comes about
Wondering where is your used up thunder
Awakened by the Truth from death and murder
Is this what my end is all about

Now comes the future after a painful past
Old and crippled wondering if I can still bear
This great ordeal that time gave me so fast
Wondering if all this torture will be my last
Beware! Life is Unfair!
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Ninebreaker on 2006-08-29 at 22:46:00
Seems as though you change your rhyming scheme every paragraph (or w.e it is)
You have a couple grammatical errors, such as:
Those good opportunities goes and flies
Walking this path until you see everything dies

Good poem. Kinda made me sad.

Report, edit, etc...Posted by Staredit.Net Essence on 2006-09-02 at 12:21:02
At first it seemed like you were talking about how life is depressing, and how only good opportunities were rare, and bad ones were plentiful. Then at the end, it seemed on topic.

IMO, mostly off topic, but well written.

6/10
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