Report, edit, etc...Posted by Oo.Jamal.oO on 2006-10-03 at 20:12:09
I know you guys never read the whole thing, so I'll post the first 2 pages of 30 so far. Let me know what you think of it, I might post more, but never the whole thing.
"Scatter!" Mathew yelled to his friends as the bullies started towards him. Mathew was an average kid, with dark brown eyes and hair. He was slightly taller than 5 feet in appearance, and he was 12 years old. Everything had been going fine in his life, until a few weeks ago when everything started to go downhill. First his parents had been in a car accident, and he was sent to live with his Uncle Munch, who he had never heard of in his life. It turned out that although his Uncle had a very kind heart, and was Mathew's only living relative, he was very poor. He lived in a very small apartment with a bedroom and a kitchen, and barely scraped up enough money to pay his rent, let alone provide food. He ended up selling almost all of Mathew's possessions, which was a rather large amount of things, considering his parents had left everything to him. All the money that he got made him rather greedy, and he made Mathew sleep on the kitchen floor, and only let him wear his old, beat up clothes with rips and tears in them. When he started to go to school again, he started losing much of his former popularity, and lost many of his good friends. However, he soon found some new friends, and was happy for a while. That is, until his old friends started picking on him. As I was saying, Mathew started running away from the bullies with his friends, wishing that he would be gone far away from where he was. Slowly, but surely the bullies were catching up to him, and he was in a rundown part of town, so there was no one to save him. The last thing he remembered was one of the bullies punching him in the face and everything going black.
As Mathew stirred, he realized he wasn't anywhere near where he last remembered, in fact, he had no idea where he was at all. It's hard to describe what it looked like where he was, but I will make an attempt at it. To Mathew it seemed as though he had landed into a beautiful state park, but with no sign of human disturbance. There were hills in the distance, huge, beautiful hills, more beautiful than anything he had ever seen in his life. There was a small stream running beside him, with completely transparent, sparkling water. Trees were scattered around him, covered in leaves [Continued..]
So.. Rate it? It's not that long.
"Scatter!" Mathew yelled to his friends as the bullies started towards him. Mathew was an average kid, with dark brown eyes and hair. He was slightly taller than 5 feet in appearance, and he was 12 years old. Everything had been going fine in his life, until a few weeks ago when everything started to go downhill. First his parents had been in a car accident, and he was sent to live with his Uncle Munch, who he had never heard of in his life. It turned out that although his Uncle had a very kind heart, and was Mathew's only living relative, he was very poor. He lived in a very small apartment with a bedroom and a kitchen, and barely scraped up enough money to pay his rent, let alone provide food. He ended up selling almost all of Mathew's possessions, which was a rather large amount of things, considering his parents had left everything to him. All the money that he got made him rather greedy, and he made Mathew sleep on the kitchen floor, and only let him wear his old, beat up clothes with rips and tears in them. When he started to go to school again, he started losing much of his former popularity, and lost many of his good friends. However, he soon found some new friends, and was happy for a while. That is, until his old friends started picking on him. As I was saying, Mathew started running away from the bullies with his friends, wishing that he would be gone far away from where he was. Slowly, but surely the bullies were catching up to him, and he was in a rundown part of town, so there was no one to save him. The last thing he remembered was one of the bullies punching him in the face and everything going black.
As Mathew stirred, he realized he wasn't anywhere near where he last remembered, in fact, he had no idea where he was at all. It's hard to describe what it looked like where he was, but I will make an attempt at it. To Mathew it seemed as though he had landed into a beautiful state park, but with no sign of human disturbance. There were hills in the distance, huge, beautiful hills, more beautiful than anything he had ever seen in his life. There was a small stream running beside him, with completely transparent, sparkling water. Trees were scattered around him, covered in leaves [Continued..]
So.. Rate it? It's not that long.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Felagund on 2006-10-03 at 21:34:37
Sounds like something in General 9th Grade English.
And the Hell? That's not 30 pages. That's like half of one.
Just keep up the good work. Nobody learns how to be eloquent overnight. My biggest suggestion to you is to read... one heck of a lot. The story progresses too quickly, and it's confusing. You need to enlighten us on things, and we need to know (or we will need to know by the end of the book, or at the very least be able to figure it out) why every passage is important.
And the Hell? That's not 30 pages. That's like half of one.
Just keep up the good work. Nobody learns how to be eloquent overnight. My biggest suggestion to you is to read... one heck of a lot. The story progresses too quickly, and it's confusing. You need to enlighten us on things, and we need to know (or we will need to know by the end of the book, or at the very least be able to figure it out) why every passage is important.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Mp)Blu on 2006-10-03 at 21:44:34
QUOTE(FelagundOct 3 2006 @ 07:34 PM)
And the Hell? That's not 30 pages.
he wrote 2 pages, not 30
QUOTE(Jamals2fat @ Oct 3 2006, 06:11 PM)
so I'll post the first 2 pages of 30 so far
[right][snapback]571430[/snapback][/right]
[right][snapback]571430[/snapback][/right]
... you've written 30 pages....?
Report, edit, etc...Posted by DevliN on 2006-10-04 at 00:13:15
Felagund may have gotten the "30" wrong, but his point is still valid. That does not look like 2 pages.
There's a few grammatical errors in there - "9th Grade English" errors as Fela put it. What grade are you in anyway?
There's a few grammatical errors in there - "9th Grade English" errors as Fela put it. What grade are you in anyway?
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Felagund on 2006-10-04 at 10:00:53
No, I meant 15x whatever he wrote would not equal 30 pages. Sorry 'bout that.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by DevliN on 2006-10-05 at 04:38:18
Ohhhhh, I get it. I can Math now! Yay!
But I still think that's not 2 pages worth of text.
Out of curiosity, why wont you ever post the whole thing (as stated in the first line of your post)? Is it too personal near the end?
But I still think that's not 2 pages worth of text.
Out of curiosity, why wont you ever post the whole thing (as stated in the first line of your post)? Is it too personal near the end?
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Mp)Blu on 2006-10-05 at 10:59:29
Maybe he doesn't even have 10 pages 
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Oo.Jamal.oO on 2006-10-07 at 17:32:17
Mhmm, Ill skip around a bit. Never the whole thing, srry.
EDIT: Removed, I have cancelled work on this. Afk.
EDIT: Removed, I have cancelled work on this. Afk.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by smasher25 on 2006-10-10 at 01:24:26
If you want to know what's a decent story length read mine titled "Rise of the Dominion: Destruction" Normally I write thirty pages a story but I broke it down so that it didn't look like I was spamming staredit network.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-10-23 at 23:29:18
Hi everyone, i r back 
Ok, on with business.
First off, it seems like you're just telling the plot of the story. What I felt as I read this was like my friend telling me a story about some kid named Matthew and what a sad life he led and how much of a prick his uncle was.
You have the idea of a story, but not the story itself. The story was moving so fast, it seemed more of a summary. Not that summarizing is bad, but this is a big part of his life! This is how he comes to be in the future!
The beginning of a story is very important, if you simply summarize it, what does it tell the readers? "This story isn't very exciting" because it doesnt seem important.
Ok, on with business.
First off, it seems like you're just telling the plot of the story. What I felt as I read this was like my friend telling me a story about some kid named Matthew and what a sad life he led and how much of a prick his uncle was.
You have the idea of a story, but not the story itself. The story was moving so fast, it seemed more of a summary. Not that summarizing is bad, but this is a big part of his life! This is how he comes to be in the future!
The beginning of a story is very important, if you simply summarize it, what does it tell the readers? "This story isn't very exciting" because it doesnt seem important.