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Staredit Network -> Literature & Writing -> Like a bottle of wine
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2007-01-06 at 03:00:46
You've aroused so many emotions
That I've come to be confused.
Like being lost in oceans
I floated about and mused.

The waves--each a thought--
bashed me against cliff walls,
And inside my head I fought
Against myself in brawls.

Why do I feel empty
Like a bottle of wine shattered;
Unable to hold anything
And broken to uncountable pieces...
Unable to reform itself
To what it was once before?

The liquid inside--aged yet young--
Splashed violently onto the ground
Drops--parts of itself--are claimed by its surroundings

Who is to recreate me--
Collect the grapes from the vineyard
And add the necessary spices,
Then wait patiently
For me to mature once again?
Report, edit, etc...Posted by n0b0dy- on 2007-01-06 at 11:13:14
Very nice poem, but when the poem states "The liquid inside..." it kind of loses its rhythm in the poem and it slows down and has a feel of unsteadyness.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Shocko on 2007-01-06 at 21:17:05
are these song lyrics or a poem? if it is a poem it lost its rhythm half way through, if it is song lyrics that you intend to sing or for somebody else to sing, then I can understand.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2007-01-07 at 21:31:27
actually, at first I was trying to write a poem, then by the time where it gets to the third verse, I was just writing... there was so much freedom, I just wrote even if things didn't rhyme or in rhythm... I hope to find that kind of freedom in future writing

Sorry if it wasn't very fun to read biggrin.gif
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