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Report, edit, etc...Posted by Forsaken on 2005-06-12 at 23:53:35
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QUOTE
The Amulet of Altana.



Nedus:
“There have been stories of an old legendary city.”

Navara:
“So, what does this have to do with us?”

Nedus:
“I would like to find it.”

Navara:
“Nedus, no. There is no such thing as that ridiculous city.”

Nedus:
“Be quiet Navara, I know that the city is there, I just know it.”

Navara:
“There is no way I am going to leave to find a city that isn’t there!”

Nedus:
“Come on Navara, I’ll go get Aldanis and we will find it, I promise!”

Navara:
“No, there is now way am I going to leave again, last time we left you almost died!”

Nedus:
“So! That was when I was much younger, I am much stronger now, look at me!”

Navara:
“No, we can’t go we’ll just end up getting hurt or killed. I am NOT going.”

Nedus:
“Fine. Then I am telling mom what you did!”

Navara:
“Tell her what? I haven’t done anything!”

Nedus:
“Oh yeah? That’s not what Aldanis said.”

Navara:
”Oh really? Well, what did he tell you?”

Nedus:
”I’m not telling you!”

Navara:
“You’d better tell me!”

Nedus:
“Uh uh! Not unless you come with me!”

Navara:
“Nedus, that’s not fair. You’d better tell me or els--”

Boom!

Nedus:
“What was that?”

Navara:
“THERE BACK!”

Nedus:
“Who?! Who is back?”

Navara:
“The Warriors of Remora!”

Nedus:
“But, we didn’t do anything this time!”

Navara:
“That doesn’t matter we must get out of here, NOW!”

As the brother and sister began running they watch their mother get struck down by one of the warriors. Navara screamed a bloody shrill, and Nedus collapsed at the sight. As the warrior withdrew the sword from the back of their mother’s spine, she fell paralyzed. Dead before she hit the ground, she was trampled by the stampeding horses. There was nothing Nedus or Navara could do.

By the time they summoned enough strength to get up and run, it was to late. They had been captured.

Nedus:
“WHY DID YOU KILL MY MOTHER!? SHE WAS INNOCENT!”

Warrior:
“It was her time to go, as for you two, the chief wants you alive. And believe me, I would have killed you long ago, just as I did to your mother.”


Navara:
“YOU DISGUSTING ANIMAL!”
Navara lunges at the warrior. Her teeth were clenched so hard she had chipped her tooth. She began to taste blood. As she broke free of the warrior that was holding her, he strikes the warrior that killed her mother. But, she was still not strong enough to do anything. The warrior struck the back of her head with the end of his sword, sending her flailing to the ground. She was knocked unconscious.
Nedus:
“LEAVE HER ALONE! SHE IS JUST A GIRL!”

Warrior:
“Are you next? Don’t be foolish, or else I will have to kill you too.”

One of the other warriors picks up Navara’s limp body and throws it over his shoulder.

Warrior:
“Now, shall we move on?”

Nedus:
“NO!  am not moving! Let me go!”


Warrior:
“Of course not! Will I have to render you useless?”

Nedus:
“…No”

Warrior:
“Very well. Let’s continue without anymore, interruptions.”

The warriors continue on route to the ancient city of Riyadh. They were only about a day away from the city. As they passed an old waterfall, they saw and old Inn. They decided it would be a good place to get some rest.

Warrior:
“Take them both into the back room, and make SURE that they do NOT leave. If they are not there when I get back, I’ll kill the both of you!”

Sentries:
“YES SIR!”

Warrior:
“Very well. I will be in the second room on the right. If they give you any trouble, don’t hesitate to, restrain them in anyway you feel.”

Sentries:
“…Um sir, by that, do you mean… hitting them”

Warrior:
“Of course, I am not letting a couple of adolescences run this party. Beat them if necessary”

Sentry:
“But sir, they are just children!”

Warrior:
“Do you value your life Peasant!?”

Sentry:
“Yes…Sir!”

Warrior:
“Very well, I’ll be back in a few hours after I get some rest. Remember, if you do anything wrong, I WILL kill you both.”

As the warrior leaves, the sentries begin talking quietly. Just enough for Nedus to eavesdrop on there conversation.
“Why are we listening to this madman? He has clearly lost his mind!”
“Well, we only have to listen to him until we get back to Palpis.”
“Fine, but if I have to take anymore orders like that, I am going to Kill him.”
“You mustn’t.”
“I am sick of taking his orders. He is no better than a damn scoundrel, a pig even.”
“Yes, I agree. But, we have to keep our opinions to ourselves. For we have about one days travel. Then we have done our service for this country. And we’ll be able to resign from this low and disgusting job.”
“Oh no, he’s coming back! Stand erect!”
“SSSHHHHH….”

Warrior:
“Sentries, before I forget. Here is this weeks salary. Twelve schillings, it’s not much. But, I’ll make sure you boys are fully paid in the morning after you take care of the children.”

Sentries:
“Yes Sir!”

The warrior leaves the dark hallway once again. As the candles in the hallway slowly burned out, so did the sentries. Once they fell asleep, Nedus began rustling.

Nedus:
“Navara! NAVARA! Wake-up! They’re asleep!”

Navara:
“…huh …whe- …Where am I? What happened?”

Nedus:
“That warrior guy hit you over your head. You have been asleep for hours now!”

Navara:
“Ow… My head is really hurting!”

Nedus:
“Hurry we don’t have much time, we need to find a way out of here.”

Navara:
“But how? There are no windows.”

Nedus:
“That doesn’t matter. The guards are asleep!”


Navara:
“No way. We are NOT sneaking out. There is no way we’ll get out alive!”

Nedus:
“Navara, I would rather die trying to get out, instead of waiting for them to kill us.”

Navara:
“Fine, but we have to be VERY quiet.”

Nedus:
“I’ll go first, you’re hurt, so won’t be able to go as fast. I’ll get into the next room and signal you to follow.”

Navara:
“Ok… Nedus…”

Nedus:
“Yes?”

Navara:
“Be careful!”

Nedus:
“I will, don’t worry about me.”


Nedus slowly opens the door to get out of the room. He slowly moves his head around the corner too see if the coast was clear. He could see the sentries were sleeping. He picked up a pebble off of the ground and threw into the hallway. It made a loud thump as it hit the ground. Not even a twitch. The sentries did not stir. He slowly crept into the next room.

Nedus:
“Come on!”

Navara:
“Ok… I am coming!”

Navara slowly crept into the same room as Nedus.

Nedus:
“Are you ready?”

Navara:
“For what!?”
Nedus:
“I am going to stab one of them!”

Navara:
“NO DON’T! If you kill one you’ll still have the other one to deal with!”

Nedus:
“Fine! But follow me to the next room!”

Nedus creeps into the warriors room. Something caught his eye. He crept a little closer to get a better glimpse. He was still unable to make out exactly what it was. As he crept closer and closer, the warriors breathing got louder with each step he took.

Nedus:
“Navara, it’s a map!”

Navara:
“Nedus! Get back here! You’re going to get us KILLED!”

Nedus slowly reaches forward to grab the map. As his small fingers wrap around the corner of the map, a dagger lands right between his fingers.

Warrior:
“Trying to sneak a peek at my map!?”

Nedus:
“NO! NO! I was… I was… I…”

Warrior:
“You know what?”

Nedus:
“Wh… Wh… What?”

Warrior:
“I admire your curiosity.”

Nedus:
”Please don’t hurt me!”

Warrior:
“Now why would I do that?”

Nedus:
“I… I… I don’t know.”
Warrior:
“Do you want to hear what this map is for?”

Nedus:
“Are you going to hurt me?”

Warrior:
“No… No… Of course not!”

Nedus:
“Why are you being so nice too me?”

Warrior:
“Because, I see a lot of myself in you!”

Nedus:
“Is that good?”

Navara:
“Please don’t hurt him. He is only 14. If you are going to hurt anybody, hurt me!”

Warrior:
“I am not going to hurt the boy! I was going to explain what this map is for.”

Navara:
“Why are you being nice to us?”

Warrior:
“WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO BE MEAN!!??”

Navara:
“No, of course not. It’s just… It’s just that you seem to be a cold hearted person.”

Warrior:
“Well, if you show people that look up to you your weak side, they will not fear you. Which means, I will not have as much power. Now, would you like to hear about this map?”

Nedus:
”Please!”

Warrior:
“Very well. This map, has been passed down in my family for generations. It is about three-thousand years old. It is believed to take us to the Lost City of Altana.”

Nedus:
“Why hasn’t anybody found the city yet?”

Warrior:
“Well, that is because the people that were searching for it before us were weak. That is where I come in. I will succeed where no others have even come close. I WILL get the Amulet!”

As he finishes speaking, the pupils in his eyes began to get smaller. Cold sweat began pouring down his face and he began to shake?”

Nedus:
“Amulet? What Amulet?”

Warrior:
“Well, there is believed to be an amulet in the center of the Temple. But, nobody has ever seen it. Let alone make it to the city.”

Nedus:
“Why hasn’t anyone made it to the temple?”



Warrior:
“You are a curious little fellow. Anyways, well, there are warriors that guard the city. No one has been able to defeat them. They are very hostile. But, that is where my plan comes into play. I am not going to attack them. I am going to infiltrate the City. I will not fight unless I am absolutely provoked to do so.”

Nedus:
“May ask another question?”

Warrior:
“Well, what’s stopping you?”

Nedus:
“This may provoke you to get angry.”

Warrior:
“Well, ask away. I am no longer feeling angry.”

Nedus:
“Why did you kidnap my sister and I? And what does this guy want with us?”

Warrior:
“What guy? Ah… That’s right, Melusine. Well, I am not exactly sure what he wants to do with you. Except, he specifically asked for you two.”

Nedus:
“Why do you listen too him.”

Warrior:
“Hehehe… That’s a good question. Well son, that I can not completely answer.”

Navara:
“It’s fear isn’t it? He distills fear into you as you do to other’s.”

Warrior:
“You know, I have never really thought of that until now. And it makes sense. Maybe, I should treat my sentries a little bit better. But, if I do they’ll lose respect for me. But if I do… Sorry, I was trailing off.”

Navara:
“Well, you said something about an Amulet?”

Warrior:
“Ah… Yes. The Amulet is what we are after. It is an ancient amulet. Older than the city itself. It has mystical powers, and whoever wears it will be granted those powers.”
Nedus:
“What are those powers?”

Warrior:
“Well, I’m not too sure, but they say that immortality is one of the powers. As well as being able to mix elemental spells to make your attacks stronger. But, wearing the amulet has a price. You become nostalgic. You have no feelings for people anymore, you no longer have the urge to love or hate. You just become… you become a lifeless shell.”

Navara:
“If it does all of that to you, then why do you want it so bad?”

Warrior:
“Well, I don’t want it. Melusine does. He is a very powerful man. Who will stop at nothing to have complete power. And that’s what scares me. He has always been extreme in the way he thinks. And if you do not agree, he will no tolerate it and he will do one of two things.”

Navara:
“And those are?”

Warrior:
“Torture you until you give in. Or… Death. And the death is not a swift one. It is long and agonizing. Sickening almost. But, no one is brave enough to tell him what he is doing is wrong in fear that they will be the next to be killed.”

Nedus:
“So, you’re telling me he is getting away with all of those things.”

Warrior:
”Yes, he does. It is because of the fear he has placed into everyone. No one wil stand up to him. Not even myself.”

Navara:
“Figures, you’re just as bad as the rest. If you won’t stand up to him, who will?”

Warrior:
“If it was only that easy. But, it’s not like that. If I could just simply stand up to him, it would liberate our country. But, these things just don’t happen.”

Nedus:
“I still don’t see why you listen to him. I’d just leave. Run away, never come back.”

Warrior:
“You don’t understand. I can’t just run away. You can never run away from your problems. Or else they’ll just keep following you, and eventually catch up.”

The warrior begins to realize how much time he has just wasted. He looks out the window and sees that the sun is now beginning to rise above the horizon. He stands up and stretches out his body. And turns to the children.

Warrior:
“We have all lost track of time. And we are going to leave for the city soon. You both need to go back to your room and get some sleep. It is going to be a long day today. We will leave in a few hours. And I need you both to do one thing.”

Navara:
“And that is?”

Warrior:
“Never mention this conversation. Most of my men don’t even know this map exists.”

Nedus:
“Ok, but you have to promise us one thing.”

Warrior:
“Yes?”

Nedus:
“You have to let us go.”

Warrior:
“That I am afraid I cannot do.”

Navara and Nedus slowly stand up and turn for the door. But, before they were able to open the door. It swung open. “SIR! THE CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED!”

Warrior:
“Relax, they were with me.”

Sentry:
“But, Sir. They are not in-… Oh.”

Warrior:
“And why did you not notice them leave in the first place?”

Sentry:
“Uh… umm… Well, it will not happen again sir!”

Warrior:
“Very well, escort the children back to their quarters.”

Sentry:
“Yes sir!”

After the Sentry escorted Navara and Nedus to their room they began talking about what was happening.

Navara:
“I almost feel sorry for this guy.”

Nedus:
“I don’t know. I find it kind of odd. As in he is trying to allow us to feel comfortable. I don’t trust him.”

Navara:
“You do have a point.”

Nedus:
“We need to get that map.”

Navara:
“Why are you so set on getting to this city anyway?”

Nedus:
“I don’t know. There is just something about it that is drawing me too it.”

Navara:
“Hey Nedus.”

Nedus:
“Yeah sis?”

Navara:
“Sorry for doubting you.”

Nedus:
“No problem sis!”

Navara:
“Also, thanks.”

Nedus:
“For what?”

Navara:
“Everything. If it wasn’t for you, I probably would have died back at the town along with mom.”

Nedus:
“I only did what felt right.”

Navara:
“And I am glad I decided to trust you.”

Knock… Knock… Knock …

Navara:
“Yes?”

Warrior:
“It’s time to move on.”

Navara:
“Yes sir. Nedus! Let’s go.”

Nedus:
“Huh? Oh… Coming sis!”

As the Sentries escorted Navara and Nedus out, they noticed something was wrong. As one of the Sentries makes his way back into the room. Nedus runs as fast as he can into the Warrior knocking him flat onto the ground. As he fell Nedus snatched the map from his cloak pocket. Navara then attacked the other Sentry. The sentry fell to he ground lifeless. Navara had stabbed him. While the other guard comes to turn around and defend himself, it was too late. The Sentry had been struck by the door. Navara had learned an old trick from her mother. The door had flung from its hinges and struck the sentry with enough force to go through a wall.

Nedus and Navara began to run. They ran for hours. They eventually had found an old dock. They frantically began banging on the door. As of now, it was still very early. The sun had just gotten above the mountains.

Fisherman:
“What is all this ruckus?!”
Navara & Nedus:
“Sir, help us! Help! There are these men and they are trying to kill us! Help! Help!”

Fisherman:
“Hold on… Hold on…. I am coming. Let me put my pants on!”

Navara:
“Sir please there is no time! They are on their way right now!”

Fisherman:
“Alright, you may enter.”

Nedus:
“They killed our mother and now they are after us! Please don’t let them take us! Help us!”

Fisherman:
“Hold on now… What are you talking about?”

Navara:
“Sir, what he says is all true. The Warriors of Remora have attacked. They attacked Dubrylla!”

Fisherman:
“The warriors have returned?”

Navara:
“Yes. And they have attacked our village and killed many innocent people, including our mother.”

Fisherman:
“I am very sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?”

Nedus:
“Keep us alive!”

Fisherman:
“I tell you what. I have an old boat that I can let you two have. I no longer use it.”

Navara:
“That’s very generous but with all do respect sir, neither of has have a clue about sailing.”

Fisherman:
“Hhmmm…. Well, there is one thing I can do.”

Navara:
“Thank you very much sir.”

Fisherman:
“I have a different boat  it can seat up to 4 people.”

Nedus:
“But how does that help us?”

Fisherman:
“Hold on… I am still thinking about whether I shall do this.”

Navara:
“Take your time sir, we did not wish to impede on you.”

Fisherman:
“Well, I’ll do it! Follow me.”

Nedus, Navara, and the fisherman all walk around the house to the docks. Nedus takes one look at the boat and almost fell back at its beauty. The boat was a very big boat. It could easily sit more than 4. It could possibly sit 15-20 people. But, Navara nor Nedus were complaining.

Navara:
“Thank you, thank you sir.”

Fisherman:
“It is the least I can do after hearing all of the trouble you both have gone through. Now, please walk up the ramp and board the ship.”

Nedus:
“Oooohhhh…. This thing is so cool.”

Fisherman:
“Thank you, I have spent many years working on it.”

[/Center]

ADDITION:
I need your opinion on this so that I can havethe story go into the right direction. All criticism and suggestions will be taken with the utmost respect. I need anything you would like to say. As it makes the story that much better.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Rantent on 2005-06-13 at 15:53:51
Well, the intro started out sort of abruptly... But as they got kidnapped by the soldiers the story came together sorta. It was more of a dialog than a story. Unfortunately, I don't really have any suggestions as to where the story should go from there. It seems to be directing in the route of a boat ride, but to where?
Anyway the story was pretty good, although bits and peices of the dialog could be spiced up a bit. I didn't really feel any major characteristics of the characters from the speech, besides the fact that Nedus is curious. tongue.gif Good story though, I'd like to see a map of it!
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Forsaken on 2005-06-13 at 15:58:19
Well, that part that I have posted is supposed to be in the trailer. I know it won't be the most exciting map, but it is pretty important for the actual RPG itself. As for the abrupt I'll try and figure something out.

And for the charatcters, you learn a lot about them in the RPG. The way I have it mapped out in my mind is that things will slowly be learned throughout the RPG. But, anyways thanks for the comment. I am glad somebody responded... -.-
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