Staredit Network

No offense, but the story is sorta dumb.
Peace.

Actually, it's sort of my first story.

EDIT -

First story I put time and effort into.

You need to elaborate Dr.Sh0tgun. The storyline doesn't sound dumb at all to me, it sounds like the movie The Village to me.

FYI:

I only helped with the title and the character's name. I didn't do any of the writing. I let Attempt do it himself. Because, if he writes his own stuff, then he learsn more! (Like triggering) You just pick it up as you go along!

well from the little intro story thingy, i just don't think there is any real complexity in it. its like ur just saying stuff, i hope u get what im saying. i guess what im trying to say is that its need to flow more and be spiced up a little bit. I really like where you are trying to go with this story but just please make it flow more and show more complexity and feelings/emotions. i hope you understand.

hey guys, it doesnt matter if the story isnt unique. let him make the map before we start jumpin on him.

i dont think a ghost makes a good swordsman...

Ya I just noticed lol. I'm still thinking of another unit... Suggestions?

Uh...sword....maybe....Zealot? ... Anyway, sounds good! It's a better storyline than I have every made. Maybe you should work on it a little bit, but good job.

maybe you could use a dark templar and turn the enemy's shared vision on with you. Im not trying to be offensive or harrassing, i mean i really do like the whole storyline/plot but maybe it could be spiced up so that the dialogues sound better and will flow and sound like real people, which is very important if using a lot of dialogue.

I breezed through the story, and I really didn't like what I saw. I can't make myself read some of the stories provided here... they're painful. Why is it always a monster that's the enemy? Why always big bad villain in a big dark cloak? As much as people try, on a day to day basis, to have a monster to fight, it's never really the case. I've heard this story many, many times before, and I haven't liked it since I turned 12. My suggestions are as following: Write some stories before hand, experience helps writing. Try to be original. Read some books, preferably as high level as you can, as long as you understand them. Read them a few times, you'll probably miss something the first time.

This seems kind of... out of the ordinary. They talk about this creature, and then there's a big "BOOM." Immediately Mom believes it is the creature, and Dad has nothing to say but 'leave.'
In the last line of the diologue, What is impossible? The Myth coming true, or him informing the people of Halas that there was a big BOOM in his city and it just might be a creature from a 30+ year old myth?

Sorry, just trying to understand why the family is so oblivious to their own lifestyle. Also, will you be giving out info on what special things will be in this map that will make it more unique from the other RPG's being made?

The story dialogue is cheesy.
Rewritten story:
For years my parents would recount to me the tale of the monster, a leviathan hidden in its hellish lair, which awoke and began a horrible rampage.

Seeking to destroy the Aurumn Crytal, which could defeat him if wielded, he rampaged through Skalus, over the black and burned bodies of his foes. They told me of this undefeatable foe, always seeking to destroy.

These tales awoke an ancient warrior desire in me to fight and slay the beast. I trained long and hard, perspiring under my metal skin while defeating many knight. But as the decades passed, I began to wonder if this beast was naught but a fairytale, a lie that I built my world upon.

I confronted my parents, who under long interrogation, revealed to me that the tales of the beast were indeed mere myth. Dejected and broken, my spirit shattered, I departed to the local lake, where I sought isolation, where I could vanish and become little more than a sobbing shadow.

But as I fled, the most unlikely thing happened. I was thrown off my feet by a thundorous explosion. In the dstance I saw a vague form of some creature, and I knew what had happened. The Myth has begun.

Don't try to make a good map based on a storyline and cutscenes, is the only advice I have.

Substance is better than story. Actually alot of people like makes that have only a vague story while others love shit like the Xenosage games for PS2 which have like 2hr cutscenes lol. Don't worry about a story and if all just stick with a small back story and let it carry from there. Cutscenes are boring in SC specially if they are not done correctly. Now only if we could mod and own little Cutscenes into the Map box or on the screen now that would rock. Of course then you would have to make your cutscene and so on.

Took the words right out of my mouth,

What the are you talking about? Maybe you trigger happy, flashy light loving retards like an RPG with a dumb ass story, but you forget that RPGs differ from other games in that there's atleast an attempt at a plausible plot, there is dialogue beyond explaination of what to do, and there is an active story. Xenosaga is a bit excessive with cutscenes, but I love the story in it. Honestly, you can go to hell. You want game play, go play mario, jackass.

Ok, thanks for the feedback. The ing story sucks, ok I get it. Move on from the damn subject.

>>Closed<<

I'll re-post when I ing get a better story, hows that? Huh?