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Moo.






All the tears

All these tears I wept for you, the one that I thought was true...
Never did they mean a thing, you and me our souls were being...
Being hung above the drafts, my tears were flowing the cold small raft...
I wept and cried these tears for you, only for you to give me a boo...
I sigh a pathetic sigh of ones last breath, I only wish for death...
And then comes another through the clouds, I look up towards her and give my bows...
She smiled at me and told me of love, from the stars up high and the heavens above...
I cried out when her hand touched my face, no longer did I have to chase...
Then came the news of horrible fright, oh how I had wept all night...
This love that came was not the same, but oh who was meant to blame...?
I wept all day, I wept all night... I wanted to fight, I wanted to say...
Say everything that was inside my mind, but that would only cost a horrible bind...
Little did I know this love was not true, Oh how I wish I could be with you...

Kelly Christensen

Cry and wept...?

Like when the heartstrings tangled up, causing your heart to beat in strange, unrecognizeable ways?

Where the throbbing heartache saturates through your veins straight to the center of your palms which long for her touch, for her warmth, for her existance?

And to the point where you're not sure if each and every hair on your head have turned into needles, screaming for feel, but not from your hands, but from hers?

Then you reach your arms out, only to hold your knees and tears swell in your eyes, giving you kaleidoscope vision, which you only then realize it was the mental image of her inside your head?

The the point where you nearly gasp like a fish, but am in no short fuel of oxygen because you've already hyper-venelated, right?

And oh, at that point where you'd like to scream in Death's face, "GET THIS THE F*** OVER WITH!"

Cry and wept.... Oh yeah! I think I'm beginning to see where you're coming from.

Damn. You nailed it right on the head.

I'd add my two cents but I'm still in "rehab" mode.

rehab mode? What's that?

I nailed it huh? Well, I guess the break up did do something, lol

It's when that beauty of yours leaves you and you feel like crap for two months, wondering why you feel so lonely when you know exactly why! I guess that's not rehab mode... I guess that's survival mode.

Nah. Just feels like i'll never have a chance.



And didn't SeN warn you that things were going to happen? I remember a love poll that I made a long time ago..

I meant my break up >_<

Two months?! Good Christ it took me 2 1/2 years!

I've never seen that pole.

Why would I pay attention to what the good people of SEN have to say? You've seen their collective intelligence.

I'm at a loss -_-

Are my intelligence too low o_o? T____T

At least everyone besides the four-ish people that check this forum. We probably constitute SEN's literacy rate.

Yeah, I'm rather surprised and sad that hardly anyone is using this part of the forum. Map making usually has a story and not many seem to realize it's literature or don't care enough to get an opinion on their plot.

I thank you three for contributing nothing to this thread.

Except fm46. You at least gave your opinion.

Mm, Hmmm. i dunno i like it. maybe eventually i'll get the hang of this Crap (thats EVENTUALLY) then maybe i'll post something else. gj

better then i could ever do (MAYBE!, thats IF!)

That...works...

Kelli, the meaning of the poem is pretty 'deep' for lack of a better word at 2 in the morning....but come on...you rhymed a line with "boo"...just come on...*cringes*

Hm, I'm not sure I like it. (Btw, I assume that you have written this, if not just keep scrolling and ignore me ).

Don't take me wrong but the 'lay-out' of your poem is well... it couldn't be much worse. Why did you use CAPITALs at the start of every sentence? Probably because Microsoft Word does that. The point of a capital is that it either introduces a new sentence or an important word. I would have removed a lot of those capitals and made 'real' sentences which start with a capital and end with a full stop.
Talking about full stops, three of them are rather pointless, especially since you've used them at the end of every line. It is not necessary to use them if you want the reader to 'pause' after each line, depending on the sentence/line the reader will automatically do that.
Just (and only) to help you I've edited it a bit to show you what I mean:

---

All the tears

All these tears I wept for you, the one that I thought was true
never did they mean a thing. You and me, our souls were
being hung above the drafts, my tears were flowing the cold small raft.
I wept and cried these tears for you
only for you to give me a boo. I sigh
a pathetic sigh of ones last breath, I only wish for death.

And then comes another through the clouds, I look up
towards her and give my bows, he smiled at me
and told me of love, from the stars up high and the heavens above.
I cried out when her hand touched my face,
no longer did I have to chase.
Then came the news of horrible fright, oh how I had wept all night
this love that came was not the same, but oh
who was meant to blame?
I wept all day, I wept all night
I wanted to fight, I wanted to say.

Say everything that was inside my mind, but that would only cost a horrible bind.
Little did I know this love was not true
Oh how I wish I could be with you.

Kelly Christensen

---

Now this is just my personal opinion of how I would have done it (in 5 minutes, that is , I usually change quite some things after a few hours/days).


I have to say I like the 'metric' (I'm not entirely sure if that's the correct word; it's in which order you got stressed and unstressed syllables). While it contains some pauses they don't really obstruct with it. Whole the poem reads smooth, which is something I really like.

I've got some 'complains' about the message though. While it is and will always be your personal message/emotion/etc you did post it here so I will give my criticism . My major problem with the text is that it sometimes repeats itself. The tears keep coming back and back and back, while they don't get any extra dimension. You could have used other words instead of repeating tears; if possible don't repeat a word unless it gets an extra dimension (ie: it has an extra/other meaning the time you mention it again).
I'm not a big supporter of sentences like "I only wish for death". They are used waaay to much which is why they are so cliche and so meaningless (to me, that is). What I always try to do is 'hide' the real emotion 'behind the text'. When I write a poem about death I will (almost) never use the word death, instead I descripe it and use other techniques so they reader will feel it and know it is about death.

Your rhyme is quite good. You must remember though that rhyme is not necessary in a poem! I've seen some excellent poems without any real rhyme. Sometimes your rhyme sounds 'forced', like you used that words only because it rhymes. DON'T! You should use a word because it belongs there.

---

Whoops, sorry for the long post (and the grammar/spelling errors). It's just that I have written quite a lot of poems in the past (I don't write at the moment, but that might come again) and it still interests me.
May I ask how much poems you have written and if English is your first language?

meter?



That seems a bit insulting..



True, but, if 90% of the poem rhymes and theres a couple parts that don't, it seems like "Eehhh..."

No, not meter, but this: the order in which you got stressed and unstressed syllables.


Hm, no. That's not the case in a lot of poems. In fact when a poem rhymes every line I usually don't like that, because some of the rhyme words will always sound enforced.

I didnt say every line. I just mean that if a certain pattern has been established, and part of the poem goes away from it, and part of it returns, it seems shoddily done.

I do agree that poetry doesn't need to rhyme, but i believe it should either be free-flow -or- rhyming, not some sort of mix of both.

In my opinion, Free-Flow sux.



I thank you for the question, but laugh at the insult

I've been writting poems since I was 16 (I'm 18 now) because that's when I had my first love. And English IS my first language, thank you. What does that have to do with anything to begin with?

Chinese and Taiwanese are my first languages... and with those, I'd dare claim my poems to be decent. I've written too many poems, but I still wouldn't consider them "good".
Daedalus, I would agree on your criticism, but not your approach. Writing more poems or having a first language doesn't entirely justify the quality of one's poems.


More from me:

- the "..."'s are over-used.
- Trying too hard to rhyme where it becomes slightly unnatural and rough (not smooth).

then leave it at that. We get the point at this point (...lol).

- Determine which style you are writing in. It is alright to have multiple styles. For this poem, it is apparently rhyming. Again, remember to write relevant things instead of just bursting out with another thought. Milk certain lines, even. Just stick with that style, don't drift from style to style unless you really think it'll all work out.

- Depending on style, the capitalization varies. Some are, as Daedalus said, used to emphasize a word or start a new idea... but there are plent of poems out there done by many artists (including ones very well known) that start with capitals. Sometimes it's like a uniform for a poem to wear

for an example, think of "The Cremation of Sam McGee", a very well known poem (you can google it if you'd like).

- Again, sometimes too forced:
"I wept and cried these tears for you, only for you to give me a boo..." You've already described the weeping part and the "only for you to give me a boo" part was rather... unnecessary.

It seems to me that you wrote this poem IN the thread posting, but I think through refinement, this poem has potential to be not just an ok poem, but a great one.



I wonder, Daedalus, was my response good enough for someone who has English as a second language? Because I do respond to a lot of things, I should be better at it right?
(that = extreem sarcasm).

Woooaah, that was NOT how I meant it! I'm so sorry if you feel insulted.


The reason why I asked if it was his first language is because I didn't have a clue if it was or not. I know people who are perfect at English while it isn't there first language, and the other way around. If it wasn't his first language then I would have looked at it different then if I knew it indeed was his primary language. I don't have any critism on the words used in this poem, no matter if the writer did or didn't had English as his first language.

I usually ask how long people have been writen poems when I read the first of them. While my opinion of the poem usually doesn't change when I know how long someone has been writing (or if he writes in his first language or not) I do adapt my critism to it. For example if it's someone's first poem I won't even dare to give the same critism as to someone with years of experience who writes the same poem.

It doesn't change the poem though. When you write a bad poem it stays bad, when you write a good poem it stays good, no matter the writer's age or primary language.


Buh, I hopes this explains it .

;P I agree.

and I must say that this poem is nice, and through a bit of refinement (you know, that process I never do?), it could be pretty damn good.