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The premise of this story is of a boy (who has not quite reached puberty) discovering an ability, telepathy. However, there are a few fundamental differences from the standard "read your mind while standing" bit. For one, the appearance is much more like an out of body experience in that he sees through the other person's eyes and entirely loses the control of his body. Another is that if he is "within" a person and they die, he dies as well.

So, he decides upon three rules upon which to never break: He will not enter the mind of those very ill or near death, for the risk of their sudden death, he will not enter the mind of a person with vendettas or great animosity towards them, for they could very likely be killed, and he will not use his mind reading "in the open" for his physical body is then at risk. Once he has these abilities, he simply plays around with them The problem is that, as these things go, his life becomes intwinded with conflict in which violating these rules will become a necessity, however dangerous.

[CENTER]Three Rules[/CENTER]

In a wide, dusty clearing filled with rusty, sand-coated metal, a boy clambers over the broken, weedy body of an old pickup. He is not tall, but his thin figure is suggestive of a growth to come. His hair is brown, cut neatly enough, but rarely combed or brushed, and has a resultant bit of fluff.

Nathaniel is his birthname. He hates being called Nathan (as by his mother), Nate (as by his father), or Nat (as by the neighborhood children). The town in which he lives is essentially standard of Western Californian beach towns; ocean, beach, boardwalk. The permanent residents are well-off, upper-middle class families living in the suburbs, most beach houses are owned by wealthy seasonal visitors and motels exist in abudance to accomodate the poorest: swarms of tourists and vacationers. Be longs to the middle group, permanent residents, and despises it. The "beach children", a moniker of his own invention, focus on leaving school all day to engage in activies agonizingly dull for Nathaniel, going to the beach, skateboarding, or shopping, hence their pet name, "Nat". He wonders to himself what numbs the minds of these beach children, whilst climbing over a broken bedframe. "Must be all the sand."

I really like it so far. May I ask what this is for? You got something here...

Impressive.

Some explaination, or have you ascended majestically over the horzion of precedent and reasoning?

Theoretically, he is going to have to meet someone else who once knew someone else who had this power to tell him about its lethal dangers. He cannot know that doing something will make him die unless he's already done it in which case he's already dead.

Ya, I've already thought of that. I figure instead of installing a character, he's going to learn about his ability via dream, and test it out to see if it's true, therby verifying the other stuff.

Firstly, I hate present tense. Beyond that, you use too many forms of the verb "to be."

Uh, to be? As in? I'm not really catching you on that one. As for present tense... I'm not going to change it just because you don't like it.

You know - to be: is, are, was, were, etc. etc.

Other than that, the story seemed to flow well enough. Just try to stay away from to be and you'll be just fine with this.

Rofl, at first, I thought you were just telling us a summary of what happens in the story... aiya -_-

Care to tell me more then two lines that sum up your immediate impulses, as opposed to telling me, you know, what you thought about it. I mean, that's kind of the reason I posted it.

aiya >_< I imagined you'd get what i meant by that. I mean your approach made it confusing for me to tell it's an actual story, not just a summary.

But about the story... I wasn't too thrilled about it. It sounds very much like... what you'd see in a cartoon or a comic book. Air Benders.

** Wait a second... does the story start at the beginning, or at the Three rules part? The part after "Three Rules" sounds pretty nice, actually. It just lacks what the story is about and isn't long enough to get to the part where he first steps into telepathy and whatnot... lol maybe I should be doing these kind of things when I'm awake, not 6 A.M. just before bed.

Let see more of the story, huh?

The part before Three rules is just an explanation of what it's going to be about. The stuff after is actual writing. The stuff before isn't really a polished description. I'll write more on the weekend.

Ahh, well, then I think it'll be pretty good. I'm kinda excited to see how you could give me a new perspective or a better perspective about telepathy.

So when does he shoot fireballs from his hands?

will there be an antagonist? Will you be doing more illustration? Whats the closet thing you can compare it to, not theme wise(maybe its too original for that), but in the sense of how you will develop the story.

So far it seems pretty generic psychic fare, but I'm not going to do you injustice for half a page of work. I know you're smart enough to make this interesting Wil, but I don't know what to think from so little. You said you'd write more - why not post some of that up?

No offense, but for a first page, it only seems like HALF a page--which of course is alot, but that's just..my opinion..