Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kellodood on 2006-05-31 at 12:14:52
[center]This pain courses through my veins, the everlasting taste of vain...
Tears of sorrow creep down my face, as the future I had in mind gets broken like a vase...
I sit and morn over my mistake, and at how I've taken the ultimate stake...
The stake of everlasting pain and guilt, the chance of everything spilt...
I cannot fathom this horrific fate, my mind is so full of hate...
Hate of myself and I forever builds, and continues to join a secret guild...
A guild of pain, sorrow, and shamefull guilt, that crumbled everything we built...
I cut my heart with a knife of pain, only I am to blame..
Blame for hurting you, my one and only true..[/center]
Tears of sorrow creep down my face, as the future I had in mind gets broken like a vase...
I sit and morn over my mistake, and at how I've taken the ultimate stake...
The stake of everlasting pain and guilt, the chance of everything spilt...
I cannot fathom this horrific fate, my mind is so full of hate...
Hate of myself and I forever builds, and continues to join a secret guild...
A guild of pain, sorrow, and shamefull guilt, that crumbled everything we built...
I cut my heart with a knife of pain, only I am to blame..
Blame for hurting you, my one and only true..[/center]
Report, edit, etc...Posted by JaFF on 2006-05-31 at 13:25:15
It didn't impress me, but it's not bad 
I just didn't like that you repeat the same words over & over again.
I just didn't like that you repeat the same words over & over again.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kellodood on 2006-05-31 at 13:34:31
How am I "repeating the same words over and over" when I repeated two words?
Report, edit, etc...Posted by JaFF on 2006-05-31 at 13:40:55
Guilt & Pain... Maybe I expect too much, but if I hear 2 the same words within 1-4 sentances, it annoys me. But I guess it's the language's features. I'm just comparing everything I see to my own language.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Wilhelm on 2006-05-31 at 17:42:39
Too angsty and kinda dull.
Was it written about your nine year old girlfriend? Things not work out? Seriously, write about real experiences with poetry, otherwise you're overdoing it way too hard. Good poetry is subtle.
Was it written about your nine year old girlfriend? Things not work out? Seriously, write about real experiences with poetry, otherwise you're overdoing it way too hard. Good poetry is subtle.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-01 at 01:15:57
I never knew being in love with a 9yr isn't a "real experience"... and not all "good" poetry are subtle.
And Kellimus, I've told you before, and I wouldn't have posted again if Wilhelm didn't irritate me with his reply, you're trying too hard to rhyme, the rhythm is off, and you're going over the same thing again and again... like a racetrack. In a way, you're expression "Pain and Guilt" in about as many different ways as you had lines. Even though your poetry developed an image, it jumps back again and again about pain and guilt...
I'll say it again: Good thought, but if it's going to be a poem, there's gotta be rhythm unless you intend to retards (not as in people with mental disabilities, something like a shift in note that is intentionally off, but in this case, a rhythm).
And Kellimus, I've told you before, and I wouldn't have posted again if Wilhelm didn't irritate me with his reply, you're trying too hard to rhyme, the rhythm is off, and you're going over the same thing again and again... like a racetrack. In a way, you're expression "Pain and Guilt" in about as many different ways as you had lines. Even though your poetry developed an image, it jumps back again and again about pain and guilt...
I'll say it again: Good thought, but if it's going to be a poem, there's gotta be rhythm unless you intend to retards (not as in people with mental disabilities, something like a shift in note that is intentionally off, but in this case, a rhythm).
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kellodood on 2006-06-01 at 01:43:17
QUOTE(Wilhelm @ May 31 2006, 02:42 PM)
Too angsty and kinda dull.
Was it written about your nine year old girlfriend? Things not work out? Seriously, write about real experiences with poetry, otherwise you're overdoing it way too hard. Good poetry is subtle.
[right][snapback]496773[/snapback][/right]
Was it written about your nine year old girlfriend? Things not work out? Seriously, write about real experiences with poetry, otherwise you're overdoing it way too hard. Good poetry is subtle.
[right][snapback]496773[/snapback][/right]
Didn't you listen the first time? She is 15, wanker. And no. It's not about that dumb whore.
It's about my girlfriend in Utah who is 20. Just because you love the cock, doesn't give you the right to try and make fun of me either.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-01 at 09:07:42
Wow, calm down--or grow up, your choice.
Where in Utah? I live in Utah.
Where in Utah? I live in Utah.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Mp)7-7 on 2006-06-01 at 09:11:16
wierd! I am not much of a poet but I guess this is okay. Nice work
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kellodood on 2006-06-01 at 12:14:12
QUOTE(fm47 @ Jun 1 2006, 06:07 AM)
Wow, calm down--or grow up, your choice.
Where in Utah? I live in Utah.
[right][snapback]497234[/snapback][/right]
Where in Utah? I live in Utah.
[right][snapback]497234[/snapback][/right]
Salt Lake.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-03 at 01:36:59
Ahh, I go down there often. I'm in Logan :S
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kellodood on 2006-06-06 at 11:56:54
Holy crap. You're an hour away from my hometown O.o Preston.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2006-06-07 at 02:16:04
Ahaha, yeah, I am 
Anyway, keep up the writing. I feel that you've a lot to write.
Anyway, keep up the writing. I feel that you've a lot to write.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Kellodood on 2006-06-07 at 14:04:53
I only right poetry when I'm really depressed. I usually write stories. But I gotta think of how to copywrite my material, so no noobs here can steal it