Report, edit, etc...Posted by Oo.Insane.oO on 2006-12-28 at 23:27:32
This is a piece I wrote a while ago in a topic called Insane's Writings and I decided to edit some of it and repost it
I look outside because of the noise
Two little kids playing with toys
I took my head out because of the noise
I didnt even think to take another look at the boys
As I lay in bed I heard squeeling tires
Driving so fast it looked like fire
The toy car went into the road
The truck was out of control carrying a load
He couldnt stop and slammed into the boy
He fell down in the street and never got the toy
He rushed out of the truck and threw him on his back
He went to the hospital without ever looking back
I never saw that truck again nor the little boys
But I still see the tire marks and pieces of the toy
I look outside because of the noise
Two little kids playing with toys
I took my head out because of the noise
I didnt even think to take another look at the boys
As I lay in bed I heard squeeling tires
Driving so fast it looked like fire
The toy car went into the road
The truck was out of control carrying a load
He couldnt stop and slammed into the boy
He fell down in the street and never got the toy
He rushed out of the truck and threw him on his back
He went to the hospital without ever looking back
I never saw that truck again nor the little boys
But I still see the tire marks and pieces of the toy
Report, edit, etc...Posted by n0b0dy- on 2006-12-30 at 19:31:40
Rhyming, word usage, and structure needs serious work 
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Shocko on 2006-12-30 at 20:00:15
QUOTE(n0b0dy- @ Dec 30 2006, 04:31 PM)
Rhyming, word usage, and structure needs serious work
[right][snapback]607747[/snapback][/right]
[right][snapback]607747[/snapback][/right]
I agree.
Not that the rhymes wern't rhyming -- but the word are rather cliche.
Needs some rhythm and structure.
But other then them minor flaws, a good attempt.