Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2007-01-06 at 03:00:46
You've aroused so many emotions
That I've come to be confused.
Like being lost in oceans
I floated about and mused.
The waves--each a thought--
bashed me against cliff walls,
And inside my head I fought
Against myself in brawls.
Why do I feel empty
Like a bottle of wine shattered;
Unable to hold anything
And broken to uncountable pieces...
Unable to reform itself
To what it was once before?
The liquid inside--aged yet young--
Splashed violently onto the ground
Drops--parts of itself--are claimed by its surroundings
Who is to recreate me--
Collect the grapes from the vineyard
And add the necessary spices,
Then wait patiently
For me to mature once again?
That I've come to be confused.
Like being lost in oceans
I floated about and mused.
The waves--each a thought--
bashed me against cliff walls,
And inside my head I fought
Against myself in brawls.
Why do I feel empty
Like a bottle of wine shattered;
Unable to hold anything
And broken to uncountable pieces...
Unable to reform itself
To what it was once before?
The liquid inside--aged yet young--
Splashed violently onto the ground
Drops--parts of itself--are claimed by its surroundings
Who is to recreate me--
Collect the grapes from the vineyard
And add the necessary spices,
Then wait patiently
For me to mature once again?
Report, edit, etc...Posted by n0b0dy- on 2007-01-06 at 11:13:14
Very nice poem, but when the poem states "The liquid inside..." it kind of loses its rhythm in the poem and it slows down and has a feel of unsteadyness.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Shocko on 2007-01-06 at 21:17:05
are these song lyrics or a poem? if it is a poem it lost its rhythm half way through, if it is song lyrics that you intend to sing or for somebody else to sing, then I can understand.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by fm47 on 2007-01-07 at 21:31:27
actually, at first I was trying to write a poem, then by the time where it gets to the third verse, I was just writing... there was so much freedom, I just wrote even if things didn't rhyme or in rhythm... I hope to find that kind of freedom in future writing
Sorry if it wasn't very fun to read
Sorry if it wasn't very fun to read