Report, edit, etc...Posted by Jordan on 2004-09-21 at 17:35:52
Guys I would really appreciate it if you could help me with this story like how good it is rating 1-10 and any more ideas cuz i need to see if this is good enough
Once upon a time a normal child was in house when suddenly he heard screams from his parents. He started to smell smoke. He ran outside his room when he found his house on fire. He died that day from the fire. Once they buried him, he haunts, kills, and tortures everyone he finds. People say he turned mental and started killing everyone. His new identity as Aerion.
Another time on the exact day a child had also lost his parents. He also died in a fire. Then an hour later he had just came back to life. He went over to the mirror and seen he had been revived by the gods and goddesses. He found out soon after he forgot how to talk but he knew sign language. He then called himself, Barbarian.
The first quest they sought to kill the murderer that killed their parents, Aerion as evil for the blood that he has lost, and Barbarian as good from what he suffered.
How they met each other is another story. They met each other at a forest called Yashimutzo. They wanted to kill the murderer but after they tried to kill him they got furious and started to attack one another and the murder yelled out his name. He yelled “My name is Baal.” Baal ran away from the battle. Aerion was so furious he stabbed Barbarian with his sword and ran after Baal. Barbarian fell to the ground. Blood was pouring out of his body, as he lie there slowly dieing. Soon after Barbarian died he had a memory of his parents. Then he remembered a baby that his parents were holding while he was supposedly to be sleeping. Then he had a though that it could be his brother. Then he remembered what his brother looked like. He looked just like Aerion thought Barbarian. Barbarian died later that evening.
Baal had managed to bring Aerion back where barbarian was, to slow Aerion down because he knew that Aerion would remember his memories he had with barbarian. Aerion ran right up to barbarian. He had memories just start piercing through his mind. Then he knew barbarian was his brother. Aerion seen Baal behind him and Aerion took his sword out of his holder. He took 5 slashes of his sword to Baal, and Baal sprayed out acid, and Baal died from the slashes of the sword. Aerion and Baal died the next morning.
Aerion laid beside barbarian while he was dieing.
Once upon a time a normal child was in house when suddenly he heard screams from his parents. He started to smell smoke. He ran outside his room when he found his house on fire. He died that day from the fire. Once they buried him, he haunts, kills, and tortures everyone he finds. People say he turned mental and started killing everyone. His new identity as Aerion.
Another time on the exact day a child had also lost his parents. He also died in a fire. Then an hour later he had just came back to life. He went over to the mirror and seen he had been revived by the gods and goddesses. He found out soon after he forgot how to talk but he knew sign language. He then called himself, Barbarian.
The first quest they sought to kill the murderer that killed their parents, Aerion as evil for the blood that he has lost, and Barbarian as good from what he suffered.
How they met each other is another story. They met each other at a forest called Yashimutzo. They wanted to kill the murderer but after they tried to kill him they got furious and started to attack one another and the murder yelled out his name. He yelled “My name is Baal.” Baal ran away from the battle. Aerion was so furious he stabbed Barbarian with his sword and ran after Baal. Barbarian fell to the ground. Blood was pouring out of his body, as he lie there slowly dieing. Soon after Barbarian died he had a memory of his parents. Then he remembered a baby that his parents were holding while he was supposedly to be sleeping. Then he had a though that it could be his brother. Then he remembered what his brother looked like. He looked just like Aerion thought Barbarian. Barbarian died later that evening.
Baal had managed to bring Aerion back where barbarian was, to slow Aerion down because he knew that Aerion would remember his memories he had with barbarian. Aerion ran right up to barbarian. He had memories just start piercing through his mind. Then he knew barbarian was his brother. Aerion seen Baal behind him and Aerion took his sword out of his holder. He took 5 slashes of his sword to Baal, and Baal sprayed out acid, and Baal died from the slashes of the sword. Aerion and Baal died the next morning.
Aerion laid beside barbarian while he was dieing.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by EzDay281 on 2004-09-21 at 19:34:32
7/10, it's a decent story, sounds cool if a bit unoriginal in the whole "on the same day" and "brother" thing...
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Staredit.Net Essence on 2004-09-21 at 21:58:39
Extremly confusing... That's the main problem. You need paragraphs in there, less punctuations and more connection words.
You might want to develop a little more at some places, cuz it's going way too fast. Need to delete some other things as well that are useless to know.
You might want to develop a little more at some places, cuz it's going way too fast. Need to delete some other things as well that are useless to know.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by KckKryptonite on 2004-09-22 at 00:48:42
Wow that's interesting, real interesting stuff man. It's interesting.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by €Hawk€ on 2004-09-22 at 22:19:38
7 out of 10. It's a good story, but pretty confusing.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Staredit.Net Essence on 2004-09-24 at 00:37:28
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Crap!
How original of the names. I don't get the point of that story though. 0/100,000,000,000,000,000^100,000,000,000,000,000 is what I rate it at.
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[/center]Report, edit, etc...Posted by Zergling[SK] on 2004-10-04 at 13:29:40
I think that you took at bit from Diablo =P, Just make it more original, other than that its good
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Wolf on 2004-10-04 at 20:41:32
QUOTE(EzDay2 @ Sep 21 2004, 06:34 PM)
7/10, it's a decent story, sounds cool if a bit unoriginal in the whole "on the same day" and "brother" thing...
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QUOTE(Mongoose @ Sep 22 2004, 09:19 PM)
7 out of 10. It's a good story, but pretty confusing.
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QUOTE(Zergling[SK] @ Oct 4 2004, 12:29 PM)
I think that you took at bit from Diablo =P, Just make it more original, other than that its good
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dude thats weird, but i agree with these 3 guys
there right
you need a better ending
more caracters
more problems.....
thats it... other wise it's great
Report, edit, etc...Posted by RyanEdwardLee on 2004-10-15 at 15:41:35
6/10, i was really confused throughout the story
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Tuxedo Templar on 2004-10-15 at 16:08:53
It's all about dying and Diablo. Two things I'd rather not be too acquianted with. If you worked on the originality, wording, reasoning (as in, why it is they all just magically died for plot-furtherance purposes), and a bit more character/story depth, you might have a winner.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by DarkDeath19 on 2004-10-15 at 19:08:29
Someone else had said to add paragrpahs, that would be best. Also please change the names, diablo names are cool but if someone in your class(es) plays diablo and hears about your story, your teacher might think that you dont deserve a good grade beacuse you weren't creative enough on your own...
Last thing, try to make it on a longer time period, one day is not long enough for all of those events to happen in your story. Other then that its good i think
6.5/10 rating
Halfway decent but can be improved.
DarkDeath19
Last thing, try to make it on a longer time period, one day is not long enough for all of those events to happen in your story. Other then that its good i think
6.5/10 rating
Halfway decent but can be improved.
DarkDeath19
Report, edit, etc...Posted by eFFecT on 2004-10-15 at 22:37:57
if your in grade 4, i give ya 10/10
if your past grade 7, i give you 0/10 and recommend you kill yourself.
if your past grade 7, i give you 0/10 and recommend you kill yourself.
Report, edit, etc...Posted by Screwed on 2004-10-15 at 23:38:38
originality is so hard to achieve nowadays because there are nearly always something out there that took your idea