We're apparently experiencing server issues at the moment.
I've made a new sexy database error page instead of the standard invision one, so everyone aren't as confused by a huge mySQL technical output.
Update: We've fully returned.
My host was in germany and he was unaware of the problems. He came on a laptop just now and repaired the problems.
We've had many months of uninterrupted service from them thus far, so consider this to be a once-in-a-lifetime thing
Update II: Maybe not. It seems to be going slower (but still works). I'll bring it up with my host if this persists.